If an Ex says someone was EA, is it always a red flag?

[heynonymous]

So, my Ex was emotionally/financially abusive & did some things that were heading towards DV. A couple of counsellors, incl our marriage counsellor, have confirmed this. He also cheated.

Yet, if people ask why we broke up, Ex hints that it was all the other way round: That I was controlling (emotionally and financially)...and if they know me, he tells them that he never cheated and hints that I might have cheated. Basically, he's flipped it all around to make himself a poor victim figure.

But this has me confused because if a potential new partner revealed that their Ex claims they are EA, wouldn't it be a red flag?

I ask because a friend of mine has a very similar experience to me. Their Ex has claimed they were EA etc, and has convinced a lot of people. I've known this person for a long time. I know you can never know what goes on inside closed doors, so while I mostly believe them, there is a part of me that wonders what is true....and then I realise people probably think/feel the same about me.

So does that mean I have red flags against my name, too? It's been years since we split and I haven't dated, but am thinking about it. Will this put people off?

[TheSparrowhawk]

How likely is it that the people you want to date have heard your ex's bullshit?

Love, he can make up whatever shit he likes. It's not true and never will be. You know that and that's what matters.

Don't let him continue to control you.

[heynonymous]

I've name changed for this, but have been on here for years

[heynonymous]

I think most people he knows, have been told his story.

Thing is, I recently found out that Ex has even taken part of my history and says he that it's his history (I can prove it isn't), so I've talked about it with friends, because it was really odd....how he's taken my life and makes out it's his past. I kind of like someone in that circle, and I'm wondering if I've actually given myself a red flag?

I'm not sure if anything would happen with the person I like anyway, but I'm wondering, how far is it a red flag if someone reveals that their Ex says they're EA etc?

[heynonymous]

I need to stop worrying about what he says about me, don't I? Any tips on how to do that?

So many years of gaslighting & making me feel awful about myself. So many years of seeing people believe him over others (not just me). There's still a big part of me that expects to be disbelieved.

I find myself telling people about what Ex says, so that they can choose to walk away before I get too close to them.

[Fabellini]

I can kind of understand why, but you're far too worried about what your ex says about you.
In my experience people don't really listen to anything the ex of a person they're interested in has to say about them - very occasionally they should, but even then, most don't.
The other thing that I believe to be generally true, is that every relationship is unique, and so people won't necessarily repeat the same behaviour with a different partner.
I understand that some people are horrible (like your ex sounds), and will be horrible regardless, but even then, I think it will be a different kind of horrible depending on who they are with, iykwim?

[Fabellini]

And don't tell people what your ex says - about anything at all, but especially not about you! Let them form their own opinions, don't spoon feed them his bad one.
I know it's hard, but don't give anyone the idea that you care about what he thinks or says.

[heynonymous]

Day to day I don't think about my Ex. But it's when I think about dating etc, that's when it comes out. Maybe I need to replace that with something positive about me?

[heynonymous]

Just reread what I've written....I really need to get a grip don't I?

[DistanceCall]

There is a saying in Spanish: "A liar is caught sooner than a lame man". It doesn't matter that he claims to have suffered emotional abuse: eventually, those who come into close contact with him will realise that there is something wrong with his story, and that his actions tell otherwise.

He may claim to have been a victim, but he was an abuser and still is. You can't really hide that.

As for being a red flag - well, if someone tells me they were abused, I tend to believe them, unless there are good reasons not to. And believe me, in the case of your ex the reasons will arise pretty soon.

[DistanceCall]

I don't know about a grip, OP, but perhaps talking to someone - a professional - will help. It's perfectly normal that you are still feeling the effect of the abuse, but you can get some support getting rid of it.

[Trills]

Do you live in a quite small town?

If I were to meet someone new and start dating them, the chance that I would know their ex or know what their ex said about them would be pretty small.

If I did hear that their ex said bad things about them, I'd take it into consideration. I wouldn't immediately believe it or completely disbelieve it.

[abbsisspartacus]

I catfished my ex to find out what he was saying behind my back as I couldn't quite believe what I was being told? It was true he is scum made it easier to say piss off when he tried getting back with me

[RiceCrispieTreats]

You're overthinking. You're still caught in a mindset where you're worried about other people's perception of you (...and how you might control it).

Get used to the idea that people will form their own opinions, for their own reasons. And that your job is to form your own opinion of them, while totally letting go of what they may or may not think of you.

[heynonymous]

RiceCrispieTreats - You're right. He spent years destroying my reputation behind my back and it was horrible to find it all out...but that's in the past. I need to stop being afraid of his lies and of what others believe.

I don't worry about it day to day, just when it comes to relationships. Hmm, thinking about it, it's probably a defence mechanism isn't it? I think I will get some help with how to stop being stuck in this mindset.

Good things: I have great friends who like me as I am (Ex had me convinced for a long time that I was a horrible person, so this has been amazing)