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Was this a betrayal? Really confused.

(49 Posts)
SamKro Sun 18-Dec-16 08:28:15

Sorry this is long....

Ex h and I have 3 young DC. 3 years ago I had an emotional affair and ended up leaving DH for OM. Ex h was an alcoholic, we hadn't been intimate in a long time and he was emotionally abusive to DD. I realise this is no excuse for having an affair, I'm explaining why it was a bad marriage.

At the time of the affair I tried to talk to my mother about it and she refused, she's always been fairly emotionally distant with me. She then proceeded to tell Ex h that I was having an affair and followed me in her car and take pictures of me at OM's house to report to Ex h. There was a confrontation. he hit me and the police were called. I left him.

My mother told all her side of the family as well as family friends how awful I was and now family members won't speak to me and I'm considered some kind of pariah.

Ex and I split the money from the house sale and decided he's have weekend custody of our DC. He then moved in with my mother for 6 months while his house was being renovated, a house she gave him money to help purchase.

She claims she supported him in order to spend time with the DC and so that the DC would have some stability. Ex h is verbally abusive towards me, owes me money for maintenance, messes me around with the times he is supposed to have DC and is generally a bit of a dick. She has never pulled him up on any of this.

I'm still with OM, we are very happy and have a child together, DC are very settled and happy. My mother is now trying to build bridges. What should I do?

Just to add when I was young and found myself pregnant with DD she chucked me out of our (very large) family home and changed the locks, I moved into a bedsit and the following year was the hardest of my life so her lack of loyalty isn't anything new.

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 08:35:25

Your mother is toxic. I suggest you cut her out of your life. For advice and support on that, you could read the book "Toxic Parents" and/or the Stately Homes thread.

Are you comfortable with your ex having unsupervised contact with your children, given that he has been (and will no doubt continue to be) abusive towards them?

Have you had any legal advice on the child contact arrangements and financial settlement? I suggest you call the free Rights of Women family law helpline. And go through CMS to make him pay child maintenance.

SamKro Sun 18-Dec-16 08:47:21

Thanks Emma, I'll look the book up now.

It was DD who he used to emotionally bully. She was harder work than our other DC and Ex just had no patience with her. They have a much better relationship now otherwise I would not allow her to spend time with him.

Yes the house was settled legally and maintenance is now paid through the CMS, unfortunately they can't backdate though.

DP really doesn't want anything to do with my mother and doesn't want our child to have anything to do with her either. I feel quite torn, I find it really hard to get perspective no she is being so nice to me.

MsGameandWatch Sun 18-Dec-16 08:53:53

Your mother is one of the biggest twats I have ever read about on here and that's saying something. I would never even so much as glance in her direction again as long as I lived. What a disgusting person.

kitschisabeautifulword Sun 18-Dec-16 08:57:47

I would be asking myself what she wants from me, how is it she thinks I can be of use (and I believe that if you think about it you will know that answer for yourself)

I would be mindful that she still, apparently, has an allegiance with your XH and I would be asking myself what's in it for him if your DM is back in your life.

I would be asking myself if I were willing to jeopardise the relative peace of mind I now have, for any reason and for any one, no matter their biological tie to me.

From your OP I'd say it's a no-brainer but it isn't me who would live with the decision.

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 08:59:21

I think your DP is completely right.

Bluntness100 Sun 18-Dec-16 09:02:44

Your mum isn't nice. This is abnormal behaviour. She may have disapproved of your affair but worst case she should have stayed out of it. Taking pics and following you is well out of line. I'd cut her out , I'm sorry , but I really would. She's a deeply unpleasant individual.

SixthSenseless Sun 18-Dec-16 09:06:27

Your DP has good instincts.

Yes, it was betrayal. She has repeatedly betrayed you when you most needed her love.

I dare say she is being (temporarily, insincerely ) nice because otherwise she won't get access to her youngest grandchild, since your DP sees her true colours.

She sounds deeply toxic.

alvinp Sun 18-Dec-16 09:22:19

Your mother has shown you no loyalty at all, repeatedly. Your dh is right to take that stand, stay away from her and keep contact as minimal as possible.

Timeforabiscuit Sun 18-Dec-16 09:28:44

She might be the woman who gave birth and raised you, but she's no mother.

It may be very difficult for you, but have you considered talking this through with a counsellor or are there any other balanced close friends who can give you a bit of helpful perspective?

What you describe is such a massive betrayal on so many levels its tough to unpick it all!

Ellisandra Sun 18-Dec-16 09:31:01

Of course it was a betrayal.
Anyone looking from the outside wouldn't ask that question flowers
You do not need this bitch in your life, but you may well need counselling to help you accept that.

SamKro Sun 18-Dec-16 09:31:48

Thanks all, really appreciate your perspectives.

The sad thing is I know what she wants. Ex h has a new partner and now spends very little time with my mother. He doesn't take the DC there every Sunday as he used to, he's moving on with his life.

I just feel happy that she's being nice to me, ugh, and also so conflicted!

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 09:33:23

I guess it's natural to want your mother to be nice to you, and to want a relationship with her, but you need to be strong.

2cats2many Sun 18-Dec-16 09:34:43

How bloody awful for you. She has showed repeatedly that she isn't on your side. I suspect that you'll just be opening yourself up to her stabbing you in the back again.

SamKro Sun 18-Dec-16 09:36:09

She has suggested we go to counselling together to deal with my anger around the situation and so we can't 'play the blame game'.....

Kidnapped Sun 18-Dec-16 09:36:31

Your mum has behaved horribly.

Housing your ex and giving him money, while he refused to support his own children, her own grand-children? I suspect that she did it not out of great love for him but because this was the way to hurt you as much as possible.

I would find that very hard to forgive.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Sun 18-Dec-16 09:37:30

She sounds like a monster, not a mother. Stay strong. She'll never be a good person, she let you down terribly when you needed her, don't give her the chance to do it again.

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 09:38:15

"She has suggested we go to counselling together to deal with my anger around the situation and so we can't 'play the blame game'....."

Don't do it.
Counselling with an abusive partner is never recommended. This would be exactly the same.

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 09:39:59

Even the way she has presented the reasons for counselling is blaming you - saying that you need to deal with your anger - well you've got damn good reasons to be angry! She just wants you to shut the fuck up without accepting responsibility, apologising or making amends for the deep hurt she has caused.

FatherNoelFurlong Sun 18-Dec-16 09:41:44

Wow. Your mother did betray you horribly.
im shocked.

RebelRogue Sun 18-Dec-16 09:41:44

She has suggested we go to counselling together to deal with my anger around the situation and so we can't 'play the blame game'.....

She's not being nice. She's being manipulative and messing with your head,while at the same time laying the blame at your feet. It's not your anger that needs to be dealt with. Did she even apologise? Or acknowledge she was in the wrong?

Cherrysoup Sun 18-Dec-16 09:42:10

She has suggested you go to counselling together? I suggest she takes a good hard look at her appalling behaviour! From an objective POV, she wants access to your dc, not you, sorry. I would decrease contact.

NiceFalafels Sun 18-Dec-16 09:43:34

Tell her you've moved on and don't feel the need to work things through. You can't envisage being close or trusting on her in the future. You don't mind seeing her once a month for a couple of hours though so that the grandchildren have contact.

JustSpeakSense Sun 18-Dec-16 09:43:59

She has realised she backed the wrong horse.

This is a perfect and valid reason to get this toxic woman out your life. Take is as her gift to you, the chance to walk away.

toptoe Sun 18-Dec-16 09:44:33

It's temporary. She is who she is. At the moment she is lonely and wants your dc to visit. When she feels she has enough power you'll have problems again.

Best way to deal with her is keep her at arms length, never accept her 'help' and depend on her for anything as she'll use it to control you and keep contact with her light and minimal. This really is of her making and she got a taste of her own medicine thinking she could use your ex, who actually played her at her own game and used her.

It could be that in time she learns she can't play you anymore but you have to show her first that this is the case by not giving her an inch - or she'll take a mile. In a way you are teaching her how to behave in a more sociable way and doing her a favour. Each time she starts to try and abuse you again either verbally or through others then withdraw all contact.

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