Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband had an affair after 44 years of marriage . I want to stick around for Grandchildren .

(59 Posts)
Laylajaney Sun 18-Dec-16 08:17:38

My husband had an affair after 44years of marriage . I discovered the affair
which I think he would still be having had I not found out about it .
I would have preferred it if he disappeared with his lover but he is still here because she didn't want him in the end . I would rather stay put because my children and Grandchildren live within the area I m living in at the moment . If we sold up it would mean moving to a cheaper area miles away from here . Everyday is a challenge because I'm living with someone who really demonstrated that he didn't give any thought to my feelings and isn't the person I thought I'd been married to for all those years .
What would you do in these circumstances ?
Its been difficult to think it through because it has upset so many people apart from me .My daughter was extremely stressed by this .
As far as I'm concerned we are separated but living in the same house for practical reasons. Is this a good idea ?Do you think it will back fire on me . Any advice appreciated .

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 08:20:23

Stay where you are but make him leave.
Get legal advice on divorce and financial settlement. You may be able to keep the family house or a sizeable share of the equity so you can stay in the area but downsize a bit.
Have you talked to anyone in real life about it? Hope you have support from one or two friends or family members.

CauliflowerSqueeze Sun 18-Dec-16 08:21:20

What a terrible situation. I'm so sorry for you.

Do you love him and want to forgive him, or have you checked out emotionally completely (sounds like the latter but just checking).

VintagePerfumista Sun 18-Dec-16 08:21:37

How old is your daughter?

Obviously, it's upsetting at any age to find out your father is a twat, but she'll live. hmm

Separated in the same house is a good get out clause for everyone concerned. And it won't work.

You are either back together, as a couple. Or you split up. And someone moves out.

(I'd be making sure his fling is really over as well, btw)

How did you find out?

sofato5miles Sun 18-Dec-16 08:25:45

I would stay, if i wanted to. You have 44 years of a world together. Of course tjere will be pain but i would really be looking of what could be list over all. Many people have affairs and survive them.

Obviously, you don't have to.

knaffedoff Sun 18-Dec-16 08:26:00

I don't know how I respond in your situation, but I didn't want to read and run. I am sorry that this has happened. I guess my reply depends on how long the affair went on, does he love the ow and does he want to reconnect into your marriage.

I wouldn't stay just for the kids / grandkids flowers

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 08:28:41

Bloody hell, I'm amazed at the number of people who would consider forgiving this shock

He only stayed because the OW didn't want him! How could you accept being the back up option?!

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 08:30:01

In any case, regardless of my opinion, the OP has already said that she would have preferred him to leave and in her mind they are separated.

Accept that's her position and don't push her into being a doormat forgiving him.

228agreenend Sun 18-Dec-16 08:33:36

I think it depends how far away you would have to live. A few mies, fie, 50 miles not. Also, how big is your house. Big enough for separate bedrooms etc? Could you divide the house into two separate living spaces, with shared kitchen and bathroom?

My gut instinct would be to kick him out and let him fend for himself though.

IsNotGold Sun 18-Dec-16 08:36:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 08:37:31

Ironic that people are "just giving their opinions" but when I give mine it's "rude" hmm

ivykaty44 Sun 18-Dec-16 08:37:37

How long ago did you find out?

Please remember that there is no need for you to rush into making any decisions, take your time and think about what you want.

VintagePerfumista Sun 18-Dec-16 08:38:37

Nobody has told her to stay?

Sad old fucker would be on the streets if he was mine.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 18-Dec-16 08:38:51


re your comment:-

"As far as I'm concerned we are separated but living in the same house for practical reasons. Is this a good idea ?"

No. This is an untenable situation in the long term also because your H has shown no real remorse or even taken any responsibility for his actions. You're only staying there as well because of children and grandchildren; again not good enough reasons to remain together in the same house.

"Do you think it will back fire on me"
Yes and big time as well. He may well yet move out.

What AnotherEmma wrote earlier. Seek legal advice also because knowledge is power.

I would also suggest you read "Not Just Friends" written by Shirley Glass.

ITCouldBeWorse Sun 18-Dec-16 08:41:56

Could you spend a little time gathering all your financial info and pay for some time with a solicitor so you can make a decision based on what is best for you?

What a blow. What a creep.

Time to build a lovely new life with your grandchildren as part of it, however you decide to proceed. But don't waste a minute taking care of him!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 18-Dec-16 08:42:11

"I would stay, if i wanted to. You have 44 years of a world together"

The above comment sounds awfully like the "sunken costs fallacy" that does happen in relationships. That also allows people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. What gets forgotten here in such thinking is that the damage has already been done.

IsNotGold Sun 18-Dec-16 08:42:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum Sun 18-Dec-16 08:50:47

Are you wanting to stay purely because of the grandchildren, or are you concerned about a very different future?

I say this because my DM said she stayed with my DF because of me but it was only a few years back that she admitted she wasn't strong enough to leave and used me as the excuse rather than face that fact!

If I'm wide of the mark please ignore, but I thought it'd be useful to ask the question because if you are concerned about your future, there are things you can do to think your way through and seperate if that's what you'd really like to do flowers

brittanyfairies Sun 18-Dec-16 08:54:55

My dad did this to my mum and he broke her heart. she stuck around for a couple of years but was desperately unhappy, she has bad health too. After a while she spoke to the housing people at the local authority and she was offered a bungalow in the same village very quickly which she took. Financially she's better off because I suspect dad was financially abusive too, she was a SAHM all her life.

They haven't divorced, and actually get on much better now there is some distance between them. They meet for lunch once a week and mum does keep an eye on dad whose health has failed in the year since she left. It says a lot about my mum because he was horrible when she was leaving and didn't help her one bit, he's not even visited her new home. She's definitely shown herself to be the better person.

lanbro Sun 18-Dec-16 08:55:31

My gf had an affair when I was a child and my gm found out. They had been married nearly 40 years. My gm kicked him out and never went back on it. My gf ended up marrying ow. Both of them regretted their decisions until the day they died.

My advice would be to let the dust settle, don't make any rash decisions and do what is right for you at the end of the day

SloeGinandTonic Sun 18-Dec-16 08:57:54

Sort out you wills so that your share goes directly to your children not him.

Happened to a friend who then died suddenly about 2 years later. He got her life insurance (she didn't think to change the beneficiary) and all of the house (they were still joint owners) . She would have been devastated if she had known.

Raines100 Sun 18-Dec-16 09:03:05

So sorry, OP. I would be devastated. flowers

It doesn't sound like its to be mended, so you can't stay living together.I couldn't bear to look at his face every morning after such betrayal. Would you really have to move out of area, though? Could you not just downsize?

icecreamtuesday Sun 18-Dec-16 09:03:14

Ha ha ha 'make him leave' like it's that simple. Ridiculous comment angry

ThePinkOcelot Sun 18-Dec-16 09:08:04

Why isn't it that simple?!

Wolpertinger Sun 18-Dec-16 09:12:41

Have you totally checked out the finances?

If you sold up, you would only be looking at a couple of one bed flats not another family home, which is presumably what you have now. Is that completely impossible where you currently live, or even close by where you currently live?

It seems you are heading for a long miserable retirement with him. If he were ill, you would be lumped with doing the personal care of someone you can't actually stand, possibly for years, as 'separated but in the same house' wouldn't get you very far if either of you needed care. You would end up doing the lions share of it. Equally do you feel you could rely on him if you needed help? Would he do it in a responsible and loving manner?

I think you should do some serious sums, see a solicitor and an estate agent, look at properties in the surrounding area to yours and arm yourself with facts.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now