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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is talking about other girls just something most guys do?

79 replies

ArialAnna · 18/12/2016 00:41

I know I shouldn't have (no good ever comes of it) but I looked through the what's app messages on DH's phone. I think I was feeling insecure as we haven't had sex for 4 months and I was wondering whether he'd started flirting with other girls out of sexual frustration (I'm 9 months pregnant and just haven't felt in the mood at all, though I've given him the odd hand and bj). There were a few slightly flirty conversations with female friends of his, but if I'm being sensible there was nothing really worse than ordinary banter. What's upset me more is that there is a conversation with a male colleague where they are discussing various female colleagues and what they are wearing and DH expresses a desire to 'do' one of them and says he had a dream about another. Part of me thinks I should just dismiss this as idiotic laddish things that men sometimes say to each other that are in reality meaningless. But part of me feels really hurt at the thought he's lusting after other women, particularly as I'm feeling massive and unattractive. My brain also can't reconcile that conservation as being from the same loving DH who all through my pregnancy so has been rubbing my back, & running round constantly getting me drinks, cooking meals, etc. Argh! It's so confusing - I wish I'd never looked! (I know - serves me right). What do you think?

OP posts:

Report

ArialAnna · 18/12/2016 01:31

No opinions on this by anyone? Feeling crap about it and can't sleep :-(

OP posts:

Dafspunk · 18/12/2016 01:51

I would ditch him for this. No debate.

RD82 · 18/12/2016 01:54

I'm going to be completely honest with you - I've been with my OH 6.5 years & I've never heard or seen any evidence of him talking about other women in front of me or otherwise. It's just not who he is. I have full access to (if I wanted it, I trust him implicitly so I don't bother) all emails, FB, our phones are left hanging around unlocked...it's just not something he does because its disrespectful, juvenile & laddish which is just not him at all.

I'd be devastated if I saw he'd written that he wanted to 'do' someone else at work & tbh it would prob split us up or at the very least cause serious, serious problems. Flirty conversations with female colleagues is also a massive no no for me too. Why the fuck is he flirting with other women?

I'm sure someone will reply saying 'oh it's just harmless banter or locker room talk' but for us in our relationship it's not something that happens, ever. I'd have a major problem if it was.

I'm also 9 months pregnant by the way so I can sympathise wholeheartedly with how you feel right now!

AwfulSomething · 18/12/2016 02:02

I work in a mostly male environment and often hear the men talk like that. I always wonder how their wives would feel.....

PastoralCare · 18/12/2016 02:03

He is with you because he likes women in general.

If he didn't find women attractive in general and to start with, he wouldn't be with you.

It's the trade off or compromise nature has forced us into.

Same goes for you, if you weren't into men in general you wouldn't be with him.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 02:07

Saying he wants to 'do' another woman ! I wouldn't be happy with that .

RD82 · 18/12/2016 02:08

PastoralCare - Eh? I think it's possible to be 'into' women or men & not talk about them in a disrespectful, brutish & sexualised manner that you wouldn't be willing to do in front of your OH. There is no need for a 'trade off or compromise' here.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/12/2016 02:13

💐

I'm on the fence.

Part of me is ranting about how laddish & massively disrespectful it is...rah rah rah.

The other part of me is thinking about the conversations we have on here & with friends about x being hot & he'd be welcome to leave his shoes under the bed.

It's hard because he's working with them, they're 'real' whereas most of the time it's people we are unlikely to meet, let alone do anything with.

However, if he's lovely & supportive and an all round good egg, I'd put it down to him having a stupid conversation with a mate.

Easier to say when you're not 9 months pregnant & it's not your DH admittedly!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/12/2016 02:17

It would also depend a bit on the tone I guess. 'I'd do her' v 'I really want to do her' The first one is a kind of a 'If I was single & got the chance'. The second is worrying. I'd assumed it was the first.

Pallisers · 18/12/2016 02:18

Not my dh. Sorry OP. If I found my dh saying this stuff I would be so angry. And would be seriously reconsidering my future with him.

PastoralCare · 18/12/2016 02:19

CondensedMilk, I was addressing this feeling:

"But part of me feels really hurt at the thought he's lusting after other women,"

I didn't say OP shouldn't feel hurt.

I didn't say insulting or berating others is ok.

I am just pointing out that however much it can be uncomfortable, we need to like one gender general in order to like one person of that gender in particular.

ArialAnna · 18/12/2016 02:19

Maybe 'do' is too strong - this is the conversation:

DH: x looks incredible today. That short shirt dress is great

Colleague: ha. Haven't seen. I'm gonna go walk

Dh: Let's me know your thoughts. Wish I was launching on her rather than (stock name)

He's not flirting with female colleagues as far as I know. There's some of what I'd consider slightly flirty comments with long term female friends (who I know and have met quite a few times), stuff like 'I'll wine and dine you tonight' if they are meeting for dinner in the evening (not everyone would consider that flirty even).

I don't know whether to confront him about this or not. If I do there'll be a massive row about me not trusting him and looking at his phone. But don't see how I can just leave it.

OP posts:

RD82 · 18/12/2016 02:24

God no I'd be incredibly hurt by that. Sorry. I think it's deeply inappropriate for a married man with a baby on the way to be talking. I'd be fuming & in bits.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 02:24

Pastoral did you mean to address RD82 ? I didn't comment on your post

PastoralCare · 18/12/2016 02:25

If you confront him he will know you read his phone.

Do you really want to create this kind of precedent?

RD82 · 18/12/2016 02:27

I don't know how you would broach it though. I'd be utterly livid but if you confront you'd be on the back foot because of the snooping.

ArialAnna · 18/12/2016 02:39

I don't know what to do. My sister says he loves me and it's just stupid guy talk. She thinks I should talk to him about it. But I feel so knackered at 36 weeks I don't think I can face a row. I'm also terrified of the outcome. I can't imagine us splitting up and having the baby all on my own. Of the two of us he was the keener to have kids. Shit - what a mess!

OP posts:

PastoralCare · 18/12/2016 02:47

I would side with your sister, there are much bigger battles to fight than this one, but let's hope this is as bad as it gets.

But again you need to be sure about what you want to elucidate.

Is it that he talks in a disparaging way about other women?

Is it that he may be attracted to other women?

If the latter, the answer is yes because of course he is attracted to women, if he weren't , he wouldn't be in a relationship with you.

If the former rather than confront him directly, you could be more subtle and observe his behaviour when other men are talking about women (it could be in a movie). You could say, "do men talk like this?" and take it from there.

But again, you need to know what you are prepared to do if you don't like what you hear.

pregnantat50 · 18/12/2016 02:54

My daughter has just split with her bf of 2 years today because of something like this. He basically said to his friends in front of her that he would "do" one of his friends mums and then proceeded to leaf through photos of this "hot MILF" while seated next to my daughter. I don't think you can sit on this or ignore it but you will need to say you snooped, he is being incredibly disrespectful to you and also other women in the office...I would hate to think colleagues were saying stuff like that about me or my female workmates.

LucyBabs · 18/12/2016 02:56

pastoral you're talking shite sorry..
Everyone knows straight men fancy women and straight women fancy men
IMO the ops OH is talking about women in a derogatory way. He isn't saying he finds other women attractive and of course he does but talking about another woman "wish i was launching on her"
That's the issue, not people fancying each other..

SherlockStones · 18/12/2016 02:58

He's having a joke with his work colleagues and from what you've written it's nothing more than work place banter, thinking and acting upon it are two different things.

I'm going to be frank, the issue here is that you're insecure to the point of snooping on him and you've found nothing damning so you're clinging to this as a way as a way to justify said snooping.

Are we going to act like people can't be attracted to others apart from their significant other? Or that people of both genders don't do this? Would you like to control how he behaves at work with his colleagues as well as police his thoughts?

Misselthwaite · 18/12/2016 07:38

How is it a joke? I would be furious with DH if I found him having a similar conversation. I would be so disappointed in him too. OP I would speak to him about it. It will eat away at you if you don't.

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TheNaze73 · 18/12/2016 07:53

So why is it ok to lust after celebrities & make similar sorts of comments, yet something equally innocuous, is frowned upon??
What AnnieAnoni said, is a good point, when you read some of the threads in here about Poldark for example. Seems like double standards

scottishdiem · 18/12/2016 08:12

So it depends on how you want to balance this. How do you feel about inappropriate chat between two male friends about a colleague. It is coarse for sure but is this a side of him you knew nothing about? Is this language something that you feel creates a breach of trust between you and your partner? Is your chat with your friends free from commentary about how other men look and their desirability.

What do you think the likelihood of him reacting kindly to being snooped on is going to be?

What, specifically are you going to accuse him of/chastise him for? Is it about the bad language or do you really think its some kind of precursor to cheating on you?

AhYerWill · 18/12/2016 09:09

theNaze I'd not be cool with this from my DP, because I think it's derogatory and disrespectful to our relationship to go around discussing who he'd like to fuck. Equally I would never say in public (on here/to a mate etc) that I'd like to fuck someone (or whatever euphemism you want to use). I'd be fine with agreeing that someone was attractive (either of us saying that) but anything more would be stepping on the boundaries of our relationship.

Those are my standards, and I think they're pretty clear/fair. The only people I hold to these standards though are myself and DP, everyone else is free to behave how they see fit. Those people posting about how they'd not kick Poldark out of bed may be absolutely ok with their husband bantering with a mate about the hot girls in the office.

Unless OP is texting her mate about all the men she'd happily do, I don't think theres any double standards in not being happy with this from her husband.

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