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Is talking about other girls just something most guys do?

(80 Posts)
ArialAnna Sun 18-Dec-16 00:41:57

I know I shouldn't have (no good ever comes of it) but I looked through the what's app messages on DH's phone. I think I was feeling insecure as we haven't had sex for 4 months and I was wondering whether he'd started flirting with other girls out of sexual frustration (I'm 9 months pregnant and just haven't felt in the mood at all, though I've given him the odd hand and bj). There were a few slightly flirty conversations with female friends of his, but if I'm being sensible there was nothing really worse than ordinary banter. What's upset me more is that there is a conversation with a male colleague where they are discussing various female colleagues and what they are wearing and DH expresses a desire to 'do' one of them and says he had a dream about another. Part of me thinks I should just dismiss this as idiotic laddish things that men sometimes say to each other that are in reality meaningless. But part of me feels really hurt at the thought he's lusting after other women, particularly as I'm feeling massive and unattractive. My brain also can't reconcile that conservation as being from the same loving DH who all through my pregnancy so has been rubbing my back, & running round constantly getting me drinks, cooking meals, etc. Argh! It's so confusing - I wish I'd never looked! (I know - serves me right). What do you think?

ArialAnna Sun 18-Dec-16 01:31:20

No opinions on this by anyone? Feeling crap about it and can't sleep :-(

Dafspunk Sun 18-Dec-16 01:51:18

I would ditch him for this. No debate.

RD82 Sun 18-Dec-16 01:54:57

I'm going to be completely honest with you - I've been with my OH 6.5 years & I've never heard or seen any evidence of him talking about other women in front of me or otherwise. It's just not who he is. I have full access to (if I wanted it, I trust him implicitly so I don't bother) all emails, FB, our phones are left hanging around's just not something he does because its disrespectful, juvenile & laddish which is just not him at all.

I'd be devastated if I saw he'd written that he wanted to 'do' someone else at work & tbh it would prob split us up or at the very least cause serious, serious problems. Flirty conversations with female colleagues is also a massive no no for me too. Why the fuck is he flirting with other women?

I'm sure someone will reply saying 'oh it's just harmless banter or locker room talk' but for us in our relationship it's not something that happens, ever. I'd have a major problem if it was.

I'm also 9 months pregnant by the way so I can sympathise wholeheartedly with how you feel right now!

AwfulSomething Sun 18-Dec-16 02:02:35

I work in a mostly male environment and often hear the men talk like that. I always wonder how their wives would feel.....

PastoralCare Sun 18-Dec-16 02:03:26

He is with you because he likes women in general.

If he didn't find women attractive in general and to start with, he wouldn't be with you.

It's the trade off or compromise nature has forced us into.

Same goes for you, if you weren't into men in general you wouldn't be with him.

CondensedMilkSarnies Sun 18-Dec-16 02:07:20

Saying he wants to 'do' another woman ! I wouldn't be happy with that .

RD82 Sun 18-Dec-16 02:08:19

PastoralCare - Eh? I think it's possible to be 'into' women or men & not talk about them in a disrespectful, brutish & sexualised manner that you wouldn't be willing to do in front of your OH. There is no need for a 'trade off or compromise' here.

AnnieAnoniMouse Sun 18-Dec-16 02:13:18


I'm on the fence.

Part of me is ranting about how laddish & massively disrespectful it is...rah rah rah.

The other part of me is thinking about the conversations we have on here & with friends about x being hot & he'd be welcome to leave his shoes under the bed.

It's hard because he's working with them, they're 'real' whereas most of the time it's people we are unlikely to meet, let alone do anything with.

However, if he's lovely & supportive and an all round good egg, I'd put it down to him having a stupid conversation with a mate.

Easier to say when you're not 9 months pregnant & it's not your DH admittedly!

AnnieAnoniMouse Sun 18-Dec-16 02:17:19

It would also depend a bit on the tone I guess. 'I'd do her' v 'I really want to do her' The first one is a kind of a 'If I was single & got the chance'. The second is worrying. I'd assumed it was the first.

Pallisers Sun 18-Dec-16 02:18:19

Not my dh. Sorry OP. If I found my dh saying this stuff I would be so angry. And would be seriously reconsidering my future with him.

PastoralCare Sun 18-Dec-16 02:19:03

CondensedMilk, I was addressing this feeling:

"But part of me feels really hurt at the thought he's lusting after other women,"

I didn't say OP shouldn't feel hurt.

I didn't say insulting or berating others is ok.

I am just pointing out that however much it can be uncomfortable, we need to like one gender general in order to like one person of that gender in particular.

ArialAnna Sun 18-Dec-16 02:19:12

Maybe 'do' is too strong - this is the conversation:

DH: x looks incredible today. That short shirt dress is great

Colleague: ha. Haven't seen. I'm gonna go walk

Dh: Let's me know your thoughts. Wish I was launching on her rather than (stock name)

He's not flirting with female colleagues as far as I know. There's some of what I'd consider slightly flirty comments with long term female friends (who I know and have met quite a few times), stuff like 'I'll wine and dine you tonight' if they are meeting for dinner in the evening (not everyone would consider that flirty even).

I don't know whether to confront him about this or not. If I do there'll be a massive row about me not trusting him and looking at his phone. But don't see how I can just leave it.

RD82 Sun 18-Dec-16 02:24:05

God no I'd be incredibly hurt by that. Sorry. I think it's deeply inappropriate for a married man with a baby on the way to be talking. I'd be fuming & in bits.

CondensedMilkSarnies Sun 18-Dec-16 02:24:25

Pastoral did you mean to address RD82 ? I didn't comment on your post smile

PastoralCare Sun 18-Dec-16 02:25:35

If you confront him he will know you read his phone.

Do you really want to create this kind of precedent?

RD82 Sun 18-Dec-16 02:27:17

I don't know how you would broach it though. I'd be utterly livid but if you confront you'd be on the back foot because of the snooping.

ArialAnna Sun 18-Dec-16 02:39:32

I don't know what to do. My sister says he loves me and it's just stupid guy talk. She thinks I should talk to him about it. But I feel so knackered at 36 weeks I don't think I can face a row. I'm also terrified of the outcome. I can't imagine us splitting up and having the baby all on my own. Of the two of us he was the keener to have kids. Shit - what a mess!

PastoralCare Sun 18-Dec-16 02:47:05

I would side with your sister, there are much bigger battles to fight than this one, but let's hope this is as bad as it gets.

But again you need to be sure about what you want to elucidate.

Is it that he talks in a disparaging way about other women?

Is it that he may be attracted to other women?

If the latter, the answer is yes because of course he is attracted to women, if he weren't , he wouldn't be in a relationship with you.

If the former rather than confront him directly, you could be more subtle and observe his behaviour when other men are talking about women (it could be in a movie). You could say, "do men talk like this?" and take it from there.

But again, you need to know what you are prepared to do if you don't like what you hear.

pregnantat50 Sun 18-Dec-16 02:54:01

My daughter has just split with her bf of 2 years today because of something like this. He basically said to his friends in front of her that he would "do" one of his friends mums and then proceeded to leaf through photos of this "hot MILF" while seated next to my daughter. I don't think you can sit on this or ignore it but you will need to say you snooped, he is being incredibly disrespectful to you and also other women in the office...I would hate to think colleagues were saying stuff like that about me or my female workmates.

LucyBabs Sun 18-Dec-16 02:56:03

pastoral you're talking shite sorry..
Everyone knows straight men fancy women and straight women fancy men confused
IMO the ops OH is talking about women in a derogatory way. He isn't saying he finds other women attractive and of course he does but talking about another woman "wish i was launching on her"
That's the issue, not people fancying each other..

SherlockStones Sun 18-Dec-16 02:58:46

He's having a joke with his work colleagues and from what you've written it's nothing more than work place banter, thinking and acting upon it are two different things.

I'm going to be frank, the issue here is that you're insecure to the point of snooping on him and you've found nothing damning so you're clinging to this as a way as a way to justify said snooping.

Are we going to act like people can't be attracted to others apart from their significant other? Or that people of both genders don't do this? Would you like to control how he behaves at work with his colleagues as well as police his thoughts?

Misselthwaite Sun 18-Dec-16 07:38:23

How is it a joke? I would be furious with DH if I found him having a similar conversation. I would be so disappointed in him too. OP I would speak to him about it. It will eat away at you if you don't.

TheNaze73 Sun 18-Dec-16 07:53:49

So why is it ok to lust after celebrities & make similar sorts of comments, yet something equally innocuous, is frowned upon??
What AnnieAnoni said, is a good point, when you read some of the threads in here about Poldark for example. Seems like double standards

scottishdiem Sun 18-Dec-16 08:12:36

So it depends on how you want to balance this. How do you feel about inappropriate chat between two male friends about a colleague. It is coarse for sure but is this a side of him you knew nothing about? Is this language something that you feel creates a breach of trust between you and your partner? Is your chat with your friends free from commentary about how other men look and their desirability.

What do you think the likelihood of him reacting kindly to being snooped on is going to be?

What, specifically are you going to accuse him of/chastise him for? Is it about the bad language or do you really think its some kind of precursor to cheating on you?

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