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Sleeping arrangements - Trying to understand my mums POV

(61 Posts)
biscuitty Sun 18-Dec-16 00:09:38

Hey everyone, first post here smile

I'm 21, living away from home and have been with my boyfriend for a bit over 2 years now. He's come home to meet the family multiple times and has stayed in the spare room with me (I'm officially in my bedroom, but my mum has said she doesn't mind if I sneak in to join him so long as we keep it discreet).

He's been invited to spend Christmas with the family this year, but the problem is the spare room will be taken by other relatives. I thought it would be okay for him to stay in my room (who are we kidding at this point anyway?) but my mum is adamant he must sleep on a camp bed in a different room. She says this is because she doesn't want to give my 14yo sister the wrong impression.

I feel like this situation is a bit unfair on him. At 14 I'm sure my sister is old enough to understand the difference between a long term relationship and a one night stand, and between age 14 and age 21. And I'm pretty sure she's also old enough to figure out that we share a bed when I'm not at home.

However, I don't want to waste hours trying to negotiate with my mum over something I shouldn't. So am I being unreasonable?

notapizzaeater Sun 18-Dec-16 00:12:39

I can see both sides here - on one hand you're in a stable relationship so shouldn't be a problem but it is your mums house so her rules apply.

EngTech Sun 18-Dec-16 00:15:26

Have to agree with notapizzaeater.

Mums house, Mums rules

hefzi Sun 18-Dec-16 00:15:53

My siblings and I are in our 30s and 40s: same rules still apply! It made more sense when there was someone still at school in the house -but at the end of the day, their home, their rules, OP, no matter how silly you or I find it.

ElfingHeck Sun 18-Dec-16 00:17:54

It seems stupid to me. And I would find it annoying if I was the BF here. I remember having to do this when staying with a friend's parents many years ago. I'd been living with my partner for 5 years, but at their house we had to sleep in separate rooms. It wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a double bedroom to himself while I had to share with 5 other girls. I wasn't bothered about shagging, I'd just have liked some sleep!

lightcola Sun 18-Dec-16 00:19:42

Surely the same rule applies in that he could sneak in to your room as long as you are discreet. I would just do that.

biscuitty Sun 18-Dec-16 00:19:44

This is my problem - she is clearly okay with him sharing my bed (even giving me tips on how to get privacy cringe). But the public arrangement makes us feel like we're sneaking around and even like he's unwanted. I understand that it's her house, her rules, but surely there is a point where you have to say enough is enough?

Cricrichan Sun 18-Dec-16 00:24:21

It does seem weird but I remember an ex's mum wouldn't let us sleep together except for a few nights when she had family over in the spare room lol.

JigglyTuff Sun 18-Dec-16 00:30:08

You're adults and you live together (I presume). If you were married would that be acceptable?

Unless she's massively religious, I think she's being ridiculous and I'd tell her you're not staying over.

I'm forever scarred by my ex's mum who would happily stay in our spare room (we lived in London) when she fancied doing a bit of shopping/theatre but insisted we sleep apart when we stayed at her house. Bonkers.

biscuitty Sun 18-Dec-16 01:16:04

Thanks everyone. Guess I'll just stick is out then :S

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime Sun 18-Dec-16 07:59:46

Your mum is being unreasonable.

As she clearly doesn't think there is anything wrong with you two sharing a room (she's happy for you to do it discreetly), why is she teaching your sister otherwise?

Rockluvvindad Sun 18-Dec-16 08:03:59

Get a hotel... You're an adult and can do what you like, but it's your mum's house so sh gets to have a say in what goes on with her knowledge under her roof ). Solve the problem by not sleeping there.

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 08:08:03

I think your mum is being ridiculous.

Why on earth would it give a 14 year old "the wrong impression" for two adults in a committed relationship to share a bedroom, FFS?! If your mum wants to wrap her in cotton wool to that extent, she's hardly going to learn much about healthy romantic/sexual relationships, is she?!

I would be tempted to book a nearby B&B and hotel, so you and your boyfriend can be comfortable and not feel that you are being treated like unwelcome guests and naughty teenagers. However, it's probably a bit late notice for that - places might be booked up.

Do you have to stay overnight and if so is there anyone else you can stay with?

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 08:08:50

B&B or hotel

autumnboys Sun 18-Dec-16 08:10:12

DH and I slept separately at his parents until we were married. He has a much younger sister, too. Their house, their rules - it's only a couple of nights. Or as another poster said, book a hotel.

scottishdiem Sun 18-Dec-16 08:16:41

Yes - either abide by it or go to hotel/B&B.

To be fair I think its very odd. My friend and her BF live together (they are in their 30s) but when they got to his mums she makes them sleep apart and I think even sneaking into each others bed would probably result in a small nuclear blast.

But her house, her rules.

Bitlost Sun 18-Dec-16 08:20:47

How very twee! Out of interest, did your mother ever tell you about sex, contraception ...?

No suggestions, sorry.

AnotherEmma Sun 18-Dec-16 08:26:19

We don't always spend Christmas with my mum (my parents are separated and we have DH's family to see as well) so when we do, she is always delighted to have us and keen for us to feel as welcome and comfortable as possible. This was the case from the start of our relationship, when we were in our early twenties and not yet married. If she had wanted to enforce a "separate bedrooms" rule I just wouldn't have stayed over. TBH I would have wanted to make the point that if she wasn't going to treat me like an adult, I didn't want to stay overnight with her.

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub Sun 18-Dec-16 08:27:56

My mum would have been like this too, I would never have dreamed of having a boyfriend to stay. I agree with others, just do what she says in her house or get a hotel, it's only for a short time.

PUGaLUGS Sun 18-Dec-16 08:37:34

My mum was like this with me 30 years ago.

I couldn't even spend a night in my own house that I paid the mortgage on before I got married to DH (we got the house in April, got married in June).

I would look for somewhere else to stay.

DrMorbius Sun 18-Dec-16 09:00:25

How old is your DM? she can't be over 50 and yet she is acting like some Victorian.

I have 2 kids, (21 and 24) and they come and stay as a package with their partners. Why on earth would we try and split them up? We don't force them to eat at different times or sit in different rooms watching TV, so why on earth would we want to prevent them from sleeping together.

As pp have put, your parents house, their rules. But I would add a twist. I would ask your parents are they inviting you AND your BF to stay. You are free to accept or decline this invitation. Then you can apply your rules to the acceptance. Those being you accept as long as you sleep in the same room. Just because the invite is from your parents doesn't mean you cannot apply the same rules you would apply elsewhere.

GloriaGaynor Sun 18-Dec-16 09:55:44

Your mother is being absurd. You're an adult. Call her bluff and say you'll both stay in a B&B. You don't have to abide by your mother's rules if they're bananas. I certainly never did.

AdmiralCissyMary Sun 18-Dec-16 18:35:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson Sun 18-Dec-16 18:39:39

Yes, if you are grown up enough to be in an established relationship, you are grown up enough to understand that it's her house and therefore her rules.

You are also grown up enough to pay for a hotel room so you do not have to stay with people whose moral stance is abhorrent to you.

NotTheFordType Sun 18-Dec-16 18:44:00

It's ridiculously prudish. I'd go for either

A: Don't go home for Xmas, or stay at a hotel
B: Go, sleep separately, but make sexual comments all day long. "Wow BF, I can't wait to go home with you and fuck your brains out!" Set up a sweepstakes with all other other guests on how many it takes before your mum has a stroke.

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