feel sad, angry, just a bit crushed

[bitcrushed]

Hello anyone reading so late, I could just do with some advice - hand holding, straight-talking whatever you think.

I just feel really low and sad and crushed. When I got married we moved to where my husband was from and the plan was that we would eventually move back closer to my family who I love dearly and am very close to.

Of course time passed and our children became attached to where they lived but I still wanted to move back to support my parents. Anyway things came to a head this year when we tried to move but for various reasons it all went wrong and we are back where we started.

I feel like the scales have suddenly fallen from my eyes and I realise that I have made all the sacrifices in our relationship in terms of giving up my career, my closeness to my family, doing the majority of the bloody childcare/ housework, dedicating myself to my husband (who works away a lot) and children's happiness (all of whom I adore).

But it suddenly occurred to me that my DH has never put me first. At no time did he say, come on darling - it is your turn now, let's go and explore a different area of the country, its so exciting for us to try something new. The whole time it was "I'll move if you really want but I really like here, there's nothing for me in the new place, I'm not going to bother to make any new friends, I don't know anyone" etc etc. At no time did he show any enthusiasm, volunteer to visit any new towns, consider the length of his commute at any places, spend any time on right move etc etc. I spent so much time worrying about how he felt and the problems he might have that by the time the move came I was consumed by fear and basically had a mental breakdown. We are now back living in our old house and I am full of regret and sadness, but also anger - why could he not do this for me?

Am i being unreasonable? I know I should have had more confidence in what I wanted to do and been able to push it through but that's not my personality - I really needed him to be with me on this, holding my hand and telling me our future was going to be amazing. But now what i wanted for so long has gone and we can't upheaval the kids again. Do I try and talk to him about how I feel or do I just leave it and try and move on but with lessons learnt and how do I suddenly sort myself from family douchebag to woman with balls. I found a letter from an old boyfriend the other day that described me as a"beautiful free spirit"- I wonder what happened to that girl and if she can ever come back.

Anyone been here before and come out the other side?

[TheCakes]

I wish I could say I had. I did exactly the same. DH owned his house, I was renting. He'd have lost money. But I had kids.
I wish we'd stayed put, but we're stuck now. It keeps rearing its head.
We talk loosely about moving 'in a couple of years'. I plan to push for a plan next year ie set up a savings account for just this.
I reckon I'm pretty strong, but I want to make the people round me happy. I want them to do the same for me.

[Cricrichan]

Yep know how you feel.

Start being selfish and do things that you want to do. You may have decided to stay where you are but look at getting back to work, studying etc putting yourself first. You'll feel a lot better.

[bitcrushed]

Oh TheCakes, I feel your pain. All I can say is plan it and make him stick to it. That's where we went wrong too - time passed and it became increasingly difficult to move and it is so hard to change the status quo especially if you are intrinsically unselfish. Open your savings plan tomorrow! I intend to do the same actually - because when the kids have left home I'm definitely f-ing moving, with or without the DH. If he loves his town so much he can stay there without me. Cricrichan - I know you're right. Did you manage to do any of these things?

[namechange102]

Also know how you feel. We finally did move closer to my parents (after a couple of decades and two children now to consider) but for other additional reasons it's all come to a head for me in realising what I've given up while he forged ahead with his plans, basically regardless. It's a difficult realisation to come to terms with. Sorry I haven't any good advice, but know you are not alone in this.

[bitcrushed]

It's all a bit shit isn't it? I'm sorry name change that it is crap for you but Im so glad you made it back to your parents eventually. The thing is that you put everyone else first because that's what you think is the right thing to do and then you realise that actually your DH who you love very much and is kind and funny and clever and all those other things has actually forgotten that you are a person who has feelings and hopes and dreams other than being a mother/wife.

[EekAmIBonkers]

I know how you feel too - not location so much as both our families are from the same county, but other sacrifices around career and leisure time.

I asked for a separation 6 years ago and finally got it 3 years ago. Have never looked back; have been terrified from time to time, but never impotent.

[PecanPii]

I just wanted to comment as I really feel your sadness. I have been in that place too and I know how horrible it really is. I had somewhat of a breakdown and I completely deteriorated as a person until one day I decided to tell my DH that I was going, wether he was with me or not! We had no children at the time but I was pregnant and I knew my child could not have a mother who was so sad and lost.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves first and be selfish. You deserve to be happy