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When a FWB relationship goes wrong

(27 Posts)
Temporaryanonymity Sat 17-Dec-16 22:18:28

I'm afraid it has happened to me. We've been friends for many years now and when my marriage ended we became more.

He has never promised me anything and I never wanted anything more serious with him. But now he has met someone else and I'm shocked by how upset I feel. I have two children, don't want more and he doesn't have any and wants some.

Also, having spent so much time with him I know we could never live with him. But I do really miss him. He openly admits that he can never see a time when we won't be the very best of friends.

I'm so upset. I should never have allowed things to go on for so long and I know that I have developed feelings I should never have done.

Ironically I have also met someone else and my sensible side knows I should say goodbye to my FWB and not look back. But I shall miss him so much.

I've blocked his phone number and hidden him on social media and I have bagged up his things. . I feel really stupid. Part of me hoped that he would come running back to me to declare undying love, even though we are completely wrong for each other.

Indulge me in my madness. He got me through my divorce and the aftermath and now I feel alone for the first time. I feel so bloody stupid.

Stewart2017 Sat 17-Dec-16 22:29:24

Dont feel stupid. Cherish what you shared.
Who knows what lies ahead for you.

Temporaryanonymity Sat 17-Dec-16 23:04:44

Hmm, cherish. I should do that. That's a good way of looking at it. I don't think I can be the friend he has told me he wants to be though.

Temporaryanonymity Sat 17-Dec-16 23:23:59

I'm OK with feeling positive and cherishing the time we had together when my children are around and I'm busy. It was just so easy together. I'm lonely, really lonely and I regret spending my time with him when I should have been looking for a future with someone I could be with.

But I will still miss him.

Cricrichan Sat 17-Dec-16 23:26:39

Your op is full of contradictions. You've met someone but say you've not had an opportunity to meet other men because you've been with your fwb.

You say that you've developed feelings for him but you couldn't be in a relationship with him.

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 17-Dec-16 23:27:50

It's ok to need some space OP. You don't have to give him the closeness he wants if it's not right for you. As the PP said, cherish what you've had and smile as you look to the future flowers

Temporaryanonymity Sun 18-Dec-16 00:57:48

I know my post is full of contradictions. . I'm very well aware. We've been together (but not) for four years and whilst we've never committed to each other we've pretty much been a constant to each other. Holidays, weekends together, that sort of thing. And since my divorce he has been a shoulder to cry on and a huge support, both emotional and practical.

And no, sensibly I couldn't be in a relationship with him. It's too complicated to explain but part of it is that I don't see him as good stepfather material.

I wasnt very clear. I meet lots of people. What I mean is that emotionally my head is with him and I've not allowed myself to become initimate with anyone else.

Starsandcars9 Sun 18-Dec-16 01:04:03

Op you were in a relationship with him - just not a conventional one. It was still a relationship.

AnnieAnoniMouse Sun 18-Dec-16 01:07:36

4 years is a long time.

Did he want more with you?

Did you know he was seeing other people?

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but I think it's probably time you got out there and found someone where there might be a future in it.

Temporaryanonymity Sun 18-Dec-16 01:15:36

No, he said he didn't either. In fact we've both been guilty of propping each other up. He wants children and I don't want any more. Our circumstances are completely wrong for each other. In every way he is the only person who had ever really known me. . Our friendship is very close and he wants this to continue. I really can't see a way of continuing to be the very best of friends with our history when he is with someone else.

And I have been silly. None of my friends like him and he is often a royal pain in the arse. But I will miss him anyway. And feeling very sorry for myself!

CondensedMilkSarnies Sun 18-Dec-16 01:25:44

It sounds like a 'proper' relationship to me not just FWB , so it's no wonder you're upset .

It's hard to be friends with someone after you've broken up. So give yourself time to mourn the breakup and then move on .

BlueFolly Sun 18-Dec-16 01:30:20

Stayed no friends afterwards never works when one of you wants more, so that's not going to happen.

It doesn't sound like a FWB to me, it sounds like a relationship. I think you're calling it a FWB because you started out as friends, and in order to try to keep some emotional distance since you didn't see a future together. So him meeting someone like that would feel like cheating.

Temporaryanonymity Sun 18-Dec-16 01:35:15

I suppose it does. It has been bit of a cycle of us breaking things off, weeks of missing each other and then intense making up. I've wanted it to end for a long time now; I suppose I should be pleased that he has found happiness. I also suspect he will boomerang back to me but hate myself for even thinking that. My self-esteem is pretty low; I need to work on that.

The person I have met is wonderful. A good father, clever, kind and has been very patient with me. I don't want to hurt him and have kept him at arms length for some time. I do find it difficult to connect with him because my other friend. My FWB knows all about him and has encouraged me to see him.

Thank you for all your messages. It is helping.

Temporaryanonymity Sun 18-Dec-16 01:39:32

Thankfully I found out how serious it was with the person he met via Facebook. . He updated his profike to say he is in a relationship which has upset me; one because I think it is a twattish and childish thing to do so soon and because I know he was thinking about me when he did it. He's an arse like that. I say thankfully because it strikes me that many times he has showed me he is an arse but I have overlooked it because he has meant so much to me and helped me get over my marriage. But time to fly free, but it still hurts. My pride too.

CondensedMilkSarnies Sun 18-Dec-16 02:19:10

Whatever label you give this - FWB , full on relationship or whatever , he can't think that much of you if he has deliberately hurt you by posting in FB .

I'm sure it hurts but you know where you stand now. Don't let him use you if his new relationship doesn't work. Concentrate on you and try and build up some self worth , you will meet someone new who values you and commits properly .

Temporaryanonymity Sun 18-Dec-16 02:26:01

Thank you. My self esteem is very low and I've had a tough time over the last ten years. I'm very strong and I know I will be OK. I've told myself many times over the last two years to end it and I have, but have let him back into my life too many times.

Anyway, I will stay firm this time. I have a Christmas present for him but I'm going to give it to charity.

Manumission Sun 18-Dec-16 02:32:50

I'm not sure that low self esteem and FWB mix at all well.

CondensedMilkSarnies Sun 18-Dec-16 02:37:13

I agree . Its a bit of a catch 22 thing . Low self esteem = accepting unsuitable relationship which increases low self esteem .

WhatsGoingOnEh Sun 18-Dec-16 02:41:46

This is why I think FWB relationships are a terrible idea! You've bonded with him, chemically and emotionally. Even though he's a bit of a dick. smile

It will get a lot easier soon. Just don't have any contact with him, don't listen to his voice on old answerphone messages, etc. It will all fade.

pregnantat50 Sun 18-Dec-16 02:44:27

I know what your going through, I had a similar experience myself. Sometimes the least compatible person becomes the one you love the most and the only way I survived was completely no contact, no social media, block number, emails, remove all reminders, After 3 weeks, I was feeling better, then he reappeared, and the pain returned, I realised this time though that shutting the door is the only way forward. I am sorry you are going through this, I too am lonely after the end of a 28 year relationship, please feel free to message me for support if you feel the need xx

CondensedMilkSarnies Sun 18-Dec-16 02:52:10

Try and build your self esteem up so if he reappears you have the strength to kick him into touch and so you don't enter into another relationship that isn't right for you.

wundringnow Sun 18-Dec-16 04:05:08

You poor thing. Well done on blocking and separating yourself from him. That's the best course of action if he's got a new relationship.

Take time to grieve and do special things for yourself, treat yourself somehow and be kind to yourself. Don't be tempted to think you need him to make you feel better!

Starsandcars9 Sun 18-Dec-16 07:50:12

I think you need to remember the things you've said to us as well -
- you already wanted it to end
- it obviously could have been more but you were unwilling to compromise on more children for him
If you really wanted more then it sounds like it was an option but you chose not to. If it was me I'd have compromised and had one more baby and tried to make things work with this guy.
Your new guy might be perfect on paper but he's clearly not the person you feel the connection with

ProcrastinatingSquid2 Sun 18-Dec-16 07:54:52

How soon did you get with him after your marriage breakdown? It's just you say he got you through it and now you're alone for the first time. It sounds to me like you didn't really grieve for the end of your marriage. Now you seem to be on the verge of going straight into another relationship. Perhaps you need to spend a bit of time on your own.

tribpot Sun 18-Dec-16 08:13:33

That whole cycle of breaking up and then having intense make-ups is not what a FWB relationship is. You haven't been sufficiently watchful about protecting your heart. Whereas he, it seems, has. Who knows what all the break-ups/make-ups were to him, but by labelling the relationship FWB he can legitimately walk away now that he's found someone else and say 'what? We were only ever FWB'.

Maybe he really does want to continue to be friends but given the way he has disrespected your feelings by conducting a non-FWB relationship under the banner of FWB, I suspect it's so that he can keep his options open to sleep with you if/when the other relationship fails to give him what he needs.

Incidentally, I'd be hurt if I found out my best friend was in a relationship - and I'm not sleeping with him! That was cruel and not something a good friend would do. I'd look back at his history of arse-ish behaviour with clear eyes and see what you think in retrospect.

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