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So this happened

(29 Posts)
Toberich Sat 17-Dec-16 22:16:00

Minor issue tonight - took kids out all day for a treat, followed by dinner out. All good. DH in ok form, whatever. Kids go to bed, after the usual 20 minutes of me shouting incrementally with more effort. Eventually they get the message & I agree to 30 minutes of devices. DH and I breathe sigh of relief & open bottle, start watching recorded fave programmes. DH differs from me in that he thinks it's ok for them to be on devices until all hours, reason being I go to bed first usually & face the battle to get them off them when I want 5 minutes without shouting at kids to myself before bed.

Anyway after 60 minutes I go to take the devices away. DH objects etc & shouting follows. I ignore & take devices from kids. They were ok ish. Come back to continue watching tv & told that I'm "cruel". DC arrives down after 20 mins or so looking for device, shooed back upstairs with usual threats of Santa etc not coming. Told again I'm cruel. Row ensues. Devices are being used as pacifiers of kids obv. Anyway again looking forward to child-free hour before bed I stick to my guns.

Come back downstairs. DH continues to berate (with language) about the cruelty of removing devices from DCs (under 10, no wifi). I argue back as is my way. I pause fave recorded programme to retort. DH becomes juvenile (after 1 drink !) and puts fingers in ears. I time retorts to when fingers are out of ears. I unpause tv.

DH demands remote I refuse,
DH keeps demanding I turn volume up. (Sh&t tv it can take a lot of turning up). Names are called. (As is his way.)

DH unexpectedly gets up from chair to take remote.
DH unexpectedly & hurtfully twists my arm/wrist around to take remote painfully.
Shock & pain.

I sit with mouth open for a minute & then gather up bits, blow out candle & go to bed. Lock door.

My wrist is now very sore as I already have a touch of carpel tunnel.

Needless to say I can't even make a sound as DC is awake.

Thoughts ? Drink was taken. Not the first time in decades, but the first time in years.

I know it's all relative this is not major compare with most but I'm just a bit in shock. Can't tell BFs usual reasons.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 17-Dec-16 22:24:10

He has assaulted you. Are you ok? flowers x

Toberich Sat 17-Dec-16 22:41:29

Yeah wrist is very sore & tingly that's all. 😐

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 17-Dec-16 22:45:13

Are you safe for tonight? Is there any chance this might escalate?

Tokenjester Sat 17-Dec-16 22:47:35

It's not a minor issue though is it!

Are sure you & kids are safe for tonight?

You need a plan A & plan B; both require you to get him out of your house.

baconandeggies Sat 17-Dec-16 22:49:26

Thoughts... He's verbally and physically abusive (plus he's an idiot as he has no idea about settling children at night). He was spoiling for a fight wasn't he. Nothing excuses it.

You'd be within your rights to log it with 101. Particularly if you might need evidence of unreasonable behaviour in future.

baconandeggies Sat 17-Dec-16 22:50:44

Does he / did he have a problem with drink years ago?

Toberich Sat 17-Dec-16 22:53:42

Yeah bedtimes is an ongoing battle of wits between all of us. I'm not in uk I'm in roi but might log it because quite frankly this sort of thing went on before & stopped & we all were in denial so now I think I want it on the record. Regret putting up with past shjt and as kids get older I get braver. Totally spoiling for a fight. That said I was probably a bit anxious and naggy myself today on our outings. There was criticism of driving etc going on & both overwhelmed with work & financial pressures.

Toberich Sat 17-Dec-16 22:54:37

God no problem with drink just anger/personality in general 🙄up and down

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 17-Dec-16 23:01:02

He has a lazy attitude to parenting, and was annoyed you were trying to enforce the limited technology. He was punishing you for it, trying to get you to toe the line. Not enough for you to immediately call the police, but a warning shot accross the boughs for you maybe? Would that be his style?

Toberich Sat 17-Dec-16 23:02:27

Sorry I meant first time in years he's gotten that's physically aggressive there were past incidences that we both tried to forget.

baconandeggies Sat 17-Dec-16 23:03:53

Hmm - doesn't sound great Toberich - what are his good points?

Toberich Sat 17-Dec-16 23:06:09

SpongeBob - no if anything he'll be totally sycophantic for months now. When DCs were v small he had a few similar outbursts & I ended up involving his (reluctant to believe) family. That's why this time I think o should get it on the record. Harder in cold light of day but I regret not doing it before at times. I think I can go to either police or doc & have it put on file. Reason I'm braver is o wouldn't want dc s to put up with this and I get called names a LOT.

tallwivglasses Sat 17-Dec-16 23:09:03

Hmm. He was out of order but you're blaming yourself and makes excuses for both of you. There also seems to be a lot of shouting between you and DCs - not the best way, but no wonder when he's not backing you up because he prefers a quiet life (then overtired kids the next day which he probably doesn't have to deal with ) I think you have to threaten him with divorce and mean it. He shapes up or he ships out.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 17-Dec-16 23:10:21

That's the Nice/Nasty cycle that is reasonably well documented in the literature about abusive men. The name-calling is also abusive. Please get it documented and have a think about your future. I tolerated about 20 years of this on/off abusive, and tbh it didn't get any better. I wish I'd got out sooner.

EmeraldIsle100 Sat 17-Dec-16 23:28:08

Toberich I am sorry that you were subjected to that abuse. You are quite right, you should report it and I recommend that you report it to the police and your doctor. Take a picture of your wrist and mention your carpel tunnel when you report the incident. It must have been really painful.

It's brilliant to hear you say that you are reporting it both for yourself and because you wouldn't want your DCs to put up with abuse and I really commend you for that.

You sound like a responsible parent who is not afraid of taking unpopular decisions for your children's wellbeing. He is just copping out by not taking the devices.

I would report the name calling and foul language. People tend to underestimate this behaviour but it is abuse. The police told me that if my EXH ever shouts at me or calls me names that I was to report it.

I would also seek advice from a solicitor in the new year to see where you would stand in the event of a split. I am not saying LTB but it is worth getting all your ducks in a row in case.

Look after yourself.

Toberich Sat 17-Dec-16 23:29:43

thanks for the comments, my main concerns are now a) my wrist is still v sore after 2 hours & wine so was a bad enough twist b) if this escalated over Xmas c) should I go to gp or police, heard before I could go to GP & record it without having to report it. There were incidences in the distant enough past that I did wish I had recorded for various reasons. So tired of this. Married forever.

EmeraldIsle100 Sat 17-Dec-16 23:34:39

Report it to the police. They will have a word with him one way or another and that will send a message to him that you are not putting up with this ever again. Would ice help your wrist? If it is still sore in the morning go to A&E.

The police might take a decision to charge him but when it happened to me the PPS didn't take it further so nothing happened.

I know its scary but you need to protect yourself.

BantyCustards Sat 17-Dec-16 23:38:14

He's calling you names and then physically assaulted you.

Game over

MouseLove Sat 17-Dec-16 23:38:23

If you're thinking you need to get it on record then I think you have already made your mind up that you are not safe. Is there anywhere you could go tomorrow for a few days or chuck him out until after Christmas to give yourself some time to sort stuff?

You were being completely responsible btw about the devise use before bed. If anything too relaxed, just in case there was a little seed of doubt in your mind.

Sending hugs. X

Toberich Sat 17-Dec-16 23:54:21

Emerald Isle they actually told you if he calls you names to call them ?! Amazing. I'm in roi but tbh don't know what to do. Not terrified or in immediate danger but there is precedence there & reflecting on the past I put up with too much did nothing. No support.

Toberich Sat 17-Dec-16 23:55:30

Thanks mouse re device use. I'm sterner than DH who acts like a child anyway.

EmeraldIsle100 Sun 18-Dec-16 11:41:04

Yep! They told me to ring the police if he ever shouts at me or verbally abuses me. They told me that they had told him the same thing.

I was really surprised because I genuinely did not know that.

I came out of an abusive relationship and I know what you are going through. It is really hard to admit to yourself how bad things are. There is no hierarchy of abuse and if you are anything like I was, you will minimise what happened last night.

I let incidents like what happened to you last night slide and just put them to the back of my mind. I forced myself to think that it wasn't that serious.

Ignoring it ultimately led to me being thrown down a flight of stairs and beaten up very badly, at which point I left with a one year old and pregnant.

I got a barring order against him and reared my DC on my own. He had access to them as social services said that just because he was violent to me didn't mean he would be violent to the children.

All went well until the DC became teenagers and became quite cheeky and challenging. He assaulted both of them over the years causing injuries which required visits to hospital.

When this started to occur I realised that I should not have tolerated any aggressive behaviour from him. I urge you to take a zero tolerance to any similar behaviour from your DH.

I know how hard it is and denial is a very very real thing. I recommend that you contact Women's Aid who will help you understand that you are being abused in your own home and you do not have to tolerate it.

Reporting last night's incident to the police will protect you and will show your husband that his behaviour is illegal and that there are consequences.

I wish you well and I am thinking about you today x

Toberich Sun 18-Dec-16 13:56:37

Thanks emerald - problem is its v close to xmas & I don't want to pay for a doctor (we have to pay). Scared of going to the police tbh & unleashing a chain of events etc. Hand constant pins and needles now. I might go if this keeps up.

inlectorecumbit Sun 18-Dec-16 14:34:42

Stop putting it off OP and go get that wrist seen to. Your H needs a short sharp shock just to get him to understand that his behaviour is not acceptable. Go down to the police and get this incident on record. Too bad how close it s to Christmas, there will always be a reason not to report--birthdays, Easter, holidays etc

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