I'm a long-term lurker on mumsnet joined because I need advice on this situation with my dp of 11 years. Unconventionally we don't live together for various reasons although we have DCs, I live in a home owned by my family dp lives with his mother and both work, living 5 min drive away from each other and staying few times a week, him at mine mostly other than maybe a couple times a year i go to his overnight. Last time I did see this neighbour when she was taking her dc to nursery she is a mum her dc go to nursery ours are a bit older.
Before I start, I will say that I am a jealous and insecure person in general, although dp has never done anything to make me feel this way. I keep thinking that perhaps I am reading too much into this because I know I can be that way and I have in the past a couple of times, accused him of cheating for, rationally speaking, spurious reasons, probably because I'm insecure and took things way too far.
Recently well since about the summer the following has concerned me -
- Dp acting more critical, slightly more physically distant, moody. Although he has been going through difficult personal times, serious problems in his family.
- In summer one day he mentioned his neighbour, apparently her bf is beating her up, police involved etc but she keeps taking him back. think maybe they've been there a year or so at the time, dp been there his whole life. We chatted about it because I used to have a neighbour who did that when we first got together. That same night he woke up startled in the am and said oh I just had a dream you were with some abusive boyfriend who was beating you up etc, and I was there trying to help you, and it was a fucked up situation etc etc. Immediately I clicked that maybe he was actually thinking about that neighbour and the dream there were mixed up feelings or whatever.
- Recently he has been popping to the shops and stuff more often, always out and about a lot locally just going to shops, walking dogs etc or so he says. A couple of strange phone happenings as well such as the other night, I mentioned on phone that I'll phone you later, ok he said and I got a call at about 8, almost straight away he said to the tune of "I'm just going to sainsburys for wine and not bringing my phone so just in case you try to call me and don't get me" and chatted for a few mins. but it felt like he was "pre-empting" my call iyswim. He usually brings his phone in his pocket or whatever everywhere.
- He brought up the subject of fidelity in a strange way like he never usually did before, in a strange way and in an analogy that bore little resemblence to the point he was trying to make. Something like "Yeah, that's a bit like if you are with someone, even if nothing has been explicitly said, you'd expect the person to be faithful to you, blah blah blah yeah exactly" It's hard to remember as it was late and I was tired but I remember thinking it was a bit weird as was so unrelated to whatever he was talking about (which I don't remember now).
- The other day, after the phone call and then remembering about the dream and stuff, I accused him of secretive behaviour and basically accused him of cheating. Sent a few texts. Definitely did not let on who I thought it could be with. The next day when I made the usual call about dc pick up, he didn't seem annoyed as he did the previous times, in fact straight after the arrangements were made about dc school pick up, he mentioned I'm going downstairs to take the dogs out have to wait for that neighbour and her scared of the dog kids to go down first, then he started talking about dc Xmas presents as he has been last few days so normal, then about what he was going to get me etc" . I think wtf would he drop her name in there as quick as he could after I had accused him the previous night ??
That's when I really started to think hmm something could actually be going on here.
Feeling sick about it all and worried that if I'm wrong, I'm driving him away, but if I'm right then I'll be devastated, I love him. Don't know how I'd even prove it either because of the living situation.
If you have made it this far, thanks for reading, and any advice or insight is appreciated. Even if that's to say you sound like a crazy woman! I only have one friend or family close enough to speak to about this, and she's having problems herself so haven't brought it up with her.