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Suspicions about dp and his neighbour(23 Posts)
I'm a long-term lurker on mumsnet joined because I need advice on this situation with my dp of 11 years. Unconventionally we don't live together for various reasons although we have DCs, I live in a home owned by my family dp lives with his mother and both work, living 5 min drive away from each other and staying few times a week, him at mine mostly other than maybe a couple times a year i go to his overnight. Last time I did see this neighbour when she was taking her dc to nursery she is a mum her dc go to nursery ours are a bit older.
Before I start, I will say that I am a jealous and insecure person in general, although dp has never done anything to make me feel this way. I keep thinking that perhaps I am reading too much into this because I know I can be that way and I have in the past a couple of times, accused him of cheating for, rationally speaking, spurious reasons, probably because I'm insecure and took things way too far.
Recently well since about the summer the following has concerned me -
- Dp acting more critical, slightly more physically distant, moody. Although he has been going through difficult personal times, serious problems in his family.
- In summer one day he mentioned his neighbour, apparently her bf is beating her up, police involved etc but she keeps taking him back. think maybe they've been there a year or so at the time, dp been there his whole life. We chatted about it because I used to have a neighbour who did that when we first got together. That same night he woke up startled in the am and said oh I just had a dream you were with some abusive boyfriend who was beating you up etc, and I was there trying to help you, and it was a fucked up situation etc etc. Immediately I clicked that maybe he was actually thinking about that neighbour and the dream there were mixed up feelings or whatever.
- Recently he has been popping to the shops and stuff more often, always out and about a lot locally just going to shops, walking dogs etc or so he says. A couple of strange phone happenings as well such as the other night, I mentioned on phone that I'll phone you later, ok he said and I got a call at about 8, almost straight away he said to the tune of "I'm just going to sainsburys for wine and not bringing my phone so just in case you try to call me and don't get me" and chatted for a few mins. but it felt like he was "pre-empting" my call iyswim. He usually brings his phone in his pocket or whatever everywhere.
- He brought up the subject of fidelity in a strange way like he never usually did before, in a strange way and in an analogy that bore little resemblence to the point he was trying to make. Something like "Yeah, that's a bit like if you are with someone, even if nothing has been explicitly said, you'd expect the person to be faithful to you, blah blah blah yeah exactly" It's hard to remember as it was late and I was tired but I remember thinking it was a bit weird as was so unrelated to whatever he was talking about (which I don't remember now).
- The other day, after the phone call and then remembering about the dream and stuff, I accused him of secretive behaviour and basically accused him of cheating. Sent a few texts. Definitely did not let on who I thought it could be with. The next day when I made the usual call about dc pick up, he didn't seem annoyed as he did the previous times, in fact straight after the arrangements were made about dc school pick up, he mentioned I'm going downstairs to take the dogs out have to wait for that neighbour and her scared of the dog kids to go down first, then he started talking about dc Xmas presents as he has been last few days so normal, then about what he was going to get me etc" . I think wtf would he drop her name in there as quick as he could after I had accused him the previous night ??
That's when I really started to think hmm something could actually be going on here.
Feeling sick about it all and worried that if I'm wrong, I'm driving him away, but if I'm right then I'll be devastated, I love him. Don't know how I'd even prove it either because of the living situation.
If you have made it this far, thanks for reading, and any advice or insight is appreciated. Even if that's to say you sound like a crazy woman! I only have one friend or family close enough to speak to about this, and she's having problems herself so haven't brought it up with her.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention - in between the mentioning the neighbour's situation and the comment the other day, sometime maybe Sep he recounted an incident where the neighbours dc were scared of the dog and he was annoyed etc. Hence the scared of the dog comment.
What was his reply to your query into whether he was cheating?
So basically you think he's cheating because he had a bad dream? And because he mentioned his neighbour in conversation?
Usually I'm a big fan of trusting your instincts but you sound a bit paranoid.
I can't see any reason why any of this would suggest he was cheating
But it sounds like a series of changed behaviour not just the dream and mentioning a neighbour hard
Only way to find out is by asking direct (face to face), or by snooping. It's a shit way to feel and I hope it is just paranoia x
Are you happy living separately op seems an odd set up who agreed to this situation?
I'm sorry but I don't really see anything suspicious in there at all. The dream in particular makes me think that he loves you as he heard about it happening to somebody else and then worried about it happening to you.
Have you had a chat with anyone about your feelings or paranoia? It sounds like you are really trying to work through it.
Have you had any professional help OP?
I agree with all of the above & think this may be the way forward
I think there may be something going on. My friend sees a MM every other night as his wife stays at another house. He phones her at 7 then meets up with my friend.
It could be that nothing is going on, but he feels that he has to help in the domestic situation and because he know what you are like (I used to be very bad too) he's not telling you, cause he doesn't want to upset you.
Ehrm, well all I see is he mentioned his neighbour, and had a bad dream.
He's hardly popping to the shops and shagging her fast. She's got a boyfriend and is in an Abusive relationship, I doubt she wants to be shagging her neighbo whilst in this situation. At this stage I think there's some over imagination, jealousy and insecurity at play here.
His reply to the first time (when I sent the texts) was during our lunchtime phonecall ... basically nothing (?) ... then immediately afterward the school pick up arrangements were made he mentioned the neighbour (3rd time since about aug), which was the thing which really made me think could something be going on? Does no one else think that is suspicious? like he mentions her as his way of seeing if it's her I have suspicions about? Before that I'd just brushed the other things off after a day or so.
Then, during a phone conversation today where he called me around 5 after I finished work, at first we were just talking about Xmas and the dc etc he said suddenly "have it your way then" and when I said what do you mean, he said "you create these things" and "fuck off" I think.
It is behaviour changes as well though, he is starting arguments and being moody more than he ever did recently. I put that down to being understandable as he is genuinely under a lot of stress the last few months than ever before.
We do and have had problems in the relationship but none abuse or infidelity. The not living together thing doesn't really bother me, the original intention was to live together when I had DC but it only lasted a few months and family circs made it easier to be apart. Although I worry how things would/will be later on in life, I do need that sleeping together regularly, just not every night, and it's been the norm that we phone each other very regularly most days and see each other doing a mutual hobby at times during the week, pop in to have breakfast / dinner as a family.
I can't see anything suspicious either.
I can accept that maybe I'm being paranoid, because I'm insecure in myself for a few reasons (long term health probs mainly). I guess I'm scared of being betrayed by him possibly as well due to not having much family or friends and he's been a big part of my life for so many years, him and the dc.
I have had counselling and still am but it's for unrelated issues to stuff like jealousy or relationship (ptsd severe trauma and long term illness), but I do intend to bring it up when sessions start again after Xmas.
Not sure if the boyfriend is still living there though, think he'd been in jail at some point. He was living there in Summer but don't know since. I rarely go to dps house, although he does occasionally invite me, as dcs are old enough to get the bus or we just meet halfway. Any family or us time is 95% at mine or at hobbies, walking, shopping etc.
It's not ringing loads of alarm bells for me. He isn't overly protesting when asked by the sounds of it. If he's stressed walking may be his stress release so he is doing it more. I find a phone free walk incredibly relaxing personally.
He may be mentioning the neighbour so he is giving you transparency as you are being paranoid. His dream is probably because he is worried about his neighbour as any decent human being would be so the situation is in his head but you are in it because it's you on his mind, not her.
I really can't understand why you don't live together but I suspect that him not being there every night is having much more of an affect than you want to admit. Is it something you could change? If he stays over a lot I assume he isn't a 24:7 carer for his mum or similar which was the only thing I could think of as a reason. It must be weird for the kids as well. Are you happy with your set up?
I don't understand why you're living separately. Was it a mutual decision??
You sound paranoid remembering every little detail but without being in your situation it's impossible to say if it's justified or not.
Also, what you've described wouldn't ring any alarm bells to me though.
I can honestly say it's rarely bothered me, well not that I am aware of myself iyswim. We are both sort of 'loners'. He is now a full time carer for his mother. although that wasn't always the case. We have discussed moving away possibly abroad and we'd live together if that was the case I guess. I would live together if he asked me, although would prefer to stay together about 4 nights per week ideally as I like my own space, now is slightly less than I'd like. I do sometimes worry re the DCs, but it's all they've ever known I suppose and actually have never really asked. The DC are usually 50/50
Also, for context, he almost NEVER mentions women personally. Sometimes very occasionally various female colleagues, but always in a work context. So this probably, for him, is a mild case of mentionitis. I really hope I'm wrong though. ):
I hope your suspicions are ill-founded OP but I'd say trust your instincts as only you can pick up any vibes.
I agree with a PP and would suggest some kind of therapy, as this sounds like paranoia to a high level.
Just a few very simple explanations for some of the reasons you may be thinking:
Dreaming of the neighbour - when we dream, our subconscious is processing our thoughts from that day in whichever way it wants to. It does not suggest he's cheating. He heard of something traumatic and he thought of the woman he loved experiencing that. It was probably an upsetting dream for him.
Leaving his phone home - I am constantly attached to my phone, unhealthily so. However, if I had a very low battery, I'd think nothing of leaving it to charge whilst I nipped to the supermarket around the corner for 20 minutes. The fact he called you showed he is considerate as he was expecting your call. If he WAS seeing this neighbour, which I doubt he is, trust me, she'd know about you. She'd take a keen interest in seeing when you turn up with the kids etc. Therefore, I doubt a man would have any problem in answering the phone and just telling her to shush whilst he speaks to you. It all feeds in to the "excitement".
Mentioning a noejgbkur 3 times in 4 months does not suggest an affair. You say he never mentions other women... No wonder! A casual mention of this poor woman wjosngoing through an awful time has somehow become an affair in your head. Also, if he was having an affair and you've confronted him, he would not then suggest her name in the following conversation.
You're going to drive this man away if you continue. I think therapy would help.
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