Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I stand to inherit parents' house but DH is refusing to move into it - WWYD?(190 Posts)
Apologies, this is long ...
I've been with DH for 7 years, married for 3 and we have a great relationship. We live in a modest 2-bed terrace in an ok-ish area about 1.5 miles from the city centre, which I bought on my own with a mortgage in 2004. When I moved into the house I never envisaged I'd still be in it all this time later - it was very much a house that suited my 20-something single self. I now work from home in a job I love far more than my old 9-5, and the second bedroom is used as an office - we really want to TTC, but one of the main reasons we haven't so far is because the house doesn't suit our needs - I can't work without the spare room (in which I practice on clients during the day) and since DH moved in, every room is full to the brim – he uses that room as an office too as he has a job with a lot of additional work in the evenings. We'd love to be able to move to a house with more bedrooms and in a nicer area for kids to grow up in (the schools are terrible where we live) but DH has a poor credit rating and now that I'm freelance, mortgage lenders aren't willing to take a chance on us. I also have a large amount of debt which I accumulated before meeting DH but after buying the house during a time when I was unable to work due to illness - this is another reason why I've delayed motherhood as I don't know how I'd cope with the debt repayments while on maternity leave - DH earns enough to cover the bulk of our living expenses, but not the debt as well.
My DF passed away and now my lovely DM is terminally ill. We're really close and it's an extremely stressful and horrible time for me. As their only child, I'm in the incredibly fortunate position (although it's hard to see this through the stress) of standing to inherit their house outright - it's the home I grew up in and one which my parents have owned since their marriage 50 years ago - it's approx. 8 miles from where we live now, separated from the city itself by greenbelt and 3 miles of A road. It's a picturesque area with a brilliant school and the house has 5 bedrooms and an office. It's very modern inside, needs no work doing to it and is worth approx. 4 times as much as our current house.
I had a wonderful childhood and my parents' home holds countless happy memories for me. I'd always imagined that I'd go back to live there one day although it's never been something I'd particularly talked about with my DH, mostly because it seemed callous to entertain the thought of gaining from my parents' deaths when they were very much alive.
Today however, with my DM's situation playing on my mind, I broached the subject of what would happen to the house with DH. When I expressed my wish to live in it he looked utterly horrified. He said there was no way he wanted to live so far from the city centre where his friends and work were (it would be a 5 mile drive to his work, whereas now it's a mile which he walks) he thinks the area is "too snobby" (yes, it's affluent, but I don't equate the two in the way he does) and he wouldn't want to live in a place surrounded by parents’ memories - he wants us to have a place of our own.
To me, it's a no brainer - move into my parents’ house and sell our current one (which is in my name, although technically it’s ours given that we’re now married and he contributes towards the mortgage). There's 80k equity in the house and releasing this money would clear my debt and give me the freedom to take maternity leave without worrying about rushing back to freelance work. There would be a sizeable chunk left over after this, which we would be able to save or use to make any changes to my parents' house and make it our own.
He's adamant he doesn't want to move there - although he would never tell me what to do, he thinks it would be best for us to sell both houses and buy somewhere new - preferably still close to the city centre. He can't understand why I won't go for this as it would still enable me to pay off debt, have more flexibility around starting a family, etc. FWIW I really hate living so close to the city and only really saw it as a temporary stopgap before moving somewhere greener again, whereas he has lived in cities all his life and said he would feel isolated moving so far out - it's hardly the sticks!
I'm trying my hardest to respect his feelings and we've always has a very respectful relationship where we make decisions together, but we appear to have hit a brick wall. DH just doesn't get how much it means to return to the house so steeped in happy memories for me. He thinks it's daft because it's only bricks and mortar, but to me it's so much more than that. It's a place which symbolises security for me and it represents my parents' parting gift to me - there's nowhere else I'd rather live.
I told him there was no way I could bring myself to sell their home - he suggested renting it out, but then we'd still be stuck in our small house with no capital released to buy somewhere to have a family and I'd still be saddled with the debt (although arguably paying it off quicker due to rental income). Plus I don't like the idea of strangers living in my family home when I want to live there so much. There would also be the issue of what to do with my parents' furniture and belongings - some could be sold but certainly not all and what remains won't fit into our already crammed house, so we'd be looking at costly storage solutions.
So how the hell do we reach a compromise? I don't feel I can budge on option 1, he feels the same about option 2 and option 3 is completely unworkable.
Am I being precious? Is DH being selfish? We rarely disagree let alone argue and I don't want to end up arguing over this, especially with the grief to come when my DM passes.
Have any of you been in a similar situation to this and what did you do? I feel I have lost all perspective.
I think I would move in, but I would spend some of the capital relocating the house so it feels like "yours" as a couple, and not your parents house.
I can see where your DH is coming from. We're currently living In a property inherited from my DP's family. It doesn't feel like 'our home'. It's his. Can't wait to move. I'd sell both properties and buy something else you have both chosen together.
It's hard but I have to say that, regardless of any other considerations, I really really wouldn't want to live in my in-laws house. I'd probably feel permanently like a guest in someone else's home. I imagine your DH probably feels a bit like that already, having moved into your home which you bought and was probably looking forward to having a place that was really yours together as a couple.
Having said that, it must be a really hard time for you and he should be much more sensitive to that. for you.
I'm very sorry about your parents.
In your shoes I would 100% move in to the house, it sounds ideal and five miles is no distance at all.
I agree with Honey about redecorating. Will your dh be persuaded?
I'm with your DH.
I get what your saying but I think you should sell both houses and buy a new bigger place.
I can see both sides here. It will take a long time for it to feel like his home if you move in there, you clearly have really strong feelings about it so how easy will it be to accept changes he wants to make to it? Can you really imagine agreeing to knock a wall down or relocate a bathroom or whatever it might be?
I'd probably only want to do it if we stripped everything out of the old house before moved in and completely redecorated. Could you live with that?!
But this is a very emotional time for you as you are going to lose your lovely mum so I'd put off all these discussions until they are necessary. There is no hurry at this point.
And do you have enough cash to cover inheritance tax? Many people have to sell their inherited home to pay the bill so that's worth keeping in mind too.
Can you talk to him about remodelling the house so it's yours - and getting him a new car for his 'long' commute?!
He gets a room for his office, you get one for yours.
We moved 40 miles to the country when we were offered a similar thing. Dh wasn't too happy but he loves how quiet it is here now and how much freedom our kids have.
Perhaps you could compromise and agree to sell all your parents furniture? Painful I know but at least you would be in the house and he would be surrounded by his own things?
I'm afraid I think he has a point. It's your family home, it could never be his home in the same way.
I completely understand your POV, but I would feel like your DH. You need your own house, the two of you together, somewhere that you both like.
How are you going to cover the inheritance tax if you don't sell your parents home?
To be honest id wait, it's very much your parents house to both of you but that represents different things to both of you.
Wait until your mum passes (I mean that in the most respectful way, you clearly love her) and then wait a good 6 months more (it'll be very hard on you).
Then just start spending time there, start to make it more you're own and remove the heavy presence of your parents.
If you did move in, what would you do with their furniture etc? If I was your DH I wouldn't really want to move in and keep everything as it'd never feel like home to me.
Some people are funny about distances, I have a friend who rarely sees her family as they're 20 miles (all parties drive) away, I drive twice that just getting to work.
If he's a city boy through and through he needs to see that the bit of countryside in between isn't prohibitive to work and play.
I wouldn't want to move into my PIL's house, sorry.
I'd want to sell both and buy somewhere completely new. You like the green space and he likes the City so the obvious compromise is a sizable house halfway between the two that can accommodate the furniture that you want to keep from your parents.
I know you have all the lovely memories at your parents' home, but he doesn't. He will see it as moving somewhere that is less convenient for him and, for him, it will always be your parents' house and not HIS house.
Think about how you'd feel if he insisted that you sell both houses and move into his own parents' house. Would you feel happy about that?
I am so sorry to hear of the death of your father and that your mother is so unwell. If I may say so, you sound completely reasonable and your post is well balanced fairly reflecting both viewpoints. FWIW I agree it is sensible to move in to your family home. Depending on the value of the family home and your mother's estate there may be inheritance tax to pay which may necessitate the sale of assets to pay this. If you inherit the house I think I am correct to say you should move in to it for at least a time as otherwise a sale would presumably attract capital gains tax as it would be the sale of a second home. Economic reasons aside I think your DP is being unfair as presumably your current home is "just bricks and mortar" so there is no particular attachment to keep him there. The comments about the house being in a "snobby area" seem very juvenile.
I'm with your DH too . You can't make him like a home and it's simple not fair . Sell it and buy somewhere you both love
So sorry about your mother - may she pass in peace
I can see your DH's point of view. You seem to be suggesting that you move into their house with their furniture in it? It's their house, not yours. You don't need to store their furniture. You need to keep what you want and get house clearance people to take the rest.
Moving into THE house is a very sensible suggestion. Moving into THEIR house with all their things around you is not.
I agree about the inheritance tax, have you thought how much it would be?
I would tell him to grow up as far as the distance thing goes, that's just pathetic. It is a no brainer and like others have said, redecorate it. Is he a handy DIY type chap, maybe you could make it into a project for him. Give him some kind of renovation type job to do that makers him feel like its his and he created it. Maybe a shed type thing or something. Also sell the financial side to it. I am assuming selling is the other choice. Tell him to think of all the fees and hassles of that and maybe give him an out by offering to trial it. Say you want to try at least and if he really hates it so much, then you can sell it maybe for a bit of profit.
He doesn't want to live in his in laws house and he doesn't like the area. I'm not saying he is right but that's how he feels and his feelings are valid. I think if you see your future with him you need to buy a new house together that your own children can cherish as much as you cherished your old home.
I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Can you imagine living with the regret of selling your family home. You'd never get it back.
Keep it. Remodel it. How could DH make it his home too?
Maybe if he had some friends in the area it might help? At least the house is big enough to have everyone over and for them to stay over night.
OP your feeling about disliking being in the city are equally valid
He's very lucky anyway. He hasn't bought any of these homes.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.