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regaining trust

(5 Posts)
andddy Sat 17-Dec-16 20:43:56

How can you do it? honestly.

Back story. Partner lied by omission. He has an ex wife no children. Now I feel like I don't know him at all and my trust is completely shattered.

There are a lot of other things going on. Namely he has PTSD relating to several big traumas all happening in the space of 8 years rounding off with the divorce he wasn't expecting.

I know the lying by omission was in relation to not being able to deal with those traumas. By admitting the marriage failure would've meant admitting a lot of stuff I've only recently learned. I knew of some not the finer details.

On the upside partner, since being found out, has admitted everything and his story marries up with my own investigations. He was very much ready to end everything but after a very long conversation we are at the wait and see point. He is seeing a therapist in the new to deal with this.

We don't live together. We had planned to at the start of this year but my gut was sensing something was off so I held off. We are engaged though I don't feel as though it counts anymore.

Loving him isn't an issue. I still do. Far more than I should and I'm far more understanding of this that others expect me to be or even if I should be but...

help. I don't know if I can trust him or if I can get it back. Can I ever get it back or is this doomed to fail and should I just run now?

andddy Mon 19-Dec-16 10:39:34

no one? sad

hellsbellsmelons Mon 19-Dec-16 10:44:17

I think this totally your call.
That's a very big thing he neglected to tell you.
But you say he has his reasons.
He is doing things now to get 'better'.
What more can he do to rebuild your trust.
The usual line on MN is; No trust = No relationship
I would definitely keep things slow moving for a while.

bluebell9 Mon 19-Dec-16 14:05:04

You can regain trust, not going into details but my ex messed up but was genuinely sorry and saw the impact his lies had on me.

We agreed a way forward and I wanted to forgive him and move on.

But you need to be honest with yourself as to whether you can put this behind you. You can't say you will be able to but secretly be waiting for him to do it again, you will just make yourself miserable.

I will take time, but eventually, you will have to trust him again if you want the relationship to be successful.

Good luck, I hope it works for you

andddy Mon 19-Dec-16 18:14:21

Thank you!

Yes. The reasons are as above. The divorce came as a consequence of severe grief (his side) and his Ex not being able to cope with his grief (her admittance not his) I think there is some unresolved anger at her he's not dealt with.

He is doing a lot to fix things. I am doing a lot too but I worry I am wasting my time. Not because he's not making an effort or that I think he's lying again, he's not.

Just... I thought I would be his first wife and now I'm second iyswim. So I don't feel anywhere near as important. Not important enough to tell the truth to and the plans made just don't feel the same. Its hard to explain it. I've struggled to explain it to others. The closest I can compare it to feelings wise is the day I found out my step-dad wasn't my dad. I lost a bit of who I was. In this case who we were/are.

I know I need to reconcile my own feelings on this. I've tore him a new one when I found and really made it clear how I felt.

I intend to keep it slow. I know PTSD is going to take time to fix and I don't think he'll ever be 'him' until the therapy is under way. It'll give me time to figure it all out too.

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