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Felt safer with abusive ex then I do apart

(35 Posts)
CockapooMum Sat 17-Dec-16 19:20:04

My ex is currently in prison serving 56 days for the 2nd breach of a restraining order I have against him. I can't stop thinking about him but am also scared of when he is released just after Christmas as once he's had a drink I'm sure he will attempt to contact me or turn up at my address as he has before.

In the past he has smashed my car windscreen and lounge windows and I moved house to escape him. He found out my new address and I am terrified he will turn up once released.

I know this sounds incredibly stupid but I can honestly say I felt safer when I was in a relationship with him then I do when we're apart. At least when we were together I knew when he was drinking and could tip toe round him so as not to set him off or try to avoid him altogether.

When he's sober he's the most charming loving man but I recognise now he also manipulates me but once he's had a few drinks he changes and becomes nasty and starts looking for an argument. He has damaged my property whilst drunk. He doesn't know when to stop and gets so drunk he can barely walk and I get scared of him.

Before he was arrested for the latest breach I was constantly on eggshells looking out the window for any sign of him, scanning the streets when I'm out in case I see him. I've been scared to go out alone.

Whilst he's in prison I know I'm safe but I can't get him out of my head. I literally cannot stop thinking about him. Part of me still loves him as when things were good they were great and I do miss him at times but I know we aren't good together and he is a compulsive liar. I really cannot get him out of my head. I wish I could. Everywhere I look I see or hear something that reminds me of him and despite everything he has done I still have feelings for him that I wish I could turn off.

How do I begin to move forward with my life for me and my girls? The police have extended the restraining order for 2 years now and I know they wouldn't have done that lightly. I'm classed as high risk but I can't get that in my head as on the one hand I don't feel high risk of physical violence from him but on the other I am terrified of him turning up here. The case is going to MARAC which I have no idea what that means other than to do with multi agency working.

This probably reads terribly as my head is so messed up. It's affecting my work and I really need to get him out of my head. Any advice to help me stop thinking about him.

Mummamayhem Sat 17-Dec-16 19:27:56

Not at all stupid, it is a fact that women are at the highest risk from an abusive partner when they leave. You fears are very real. But you have done the right thing without doubt.

MARAC is various professionals and organisations that look at how they can support you and keep you safe. Practical stuff like window locks, police marker on your address and emotional support for you - you should be allocated a worker who can offer you professional advice, support and care. And yes, if you are wondering childrens services will be at the meeting- they only want to see that you are protecting your children by ending the relationship - you have and have nothing to fear from agencies. Grab any support with both hands. Good luck.

Mummamayhem Sat 17-Dec-16 19:35:21

It's OK to have mixed emotions, clearly there was something positive that led you into the relationship and is he dad to your children? That's not something you can just switch off from.. but you sound hyper vigilant and that will be unbelievably stressful too - are you eating/sleeping? Go to GP if you need to. Be careful, you know that resuming this relationship will be disastrous and will also put your children at considerable risk emotionally and physically. Stay strong, as I say, use every available support, trusts in real friends or family and look forward to a happier life. It sounds like refuge or a move might be needed to completely break free.

CockapooMum Sat 17-Dec-16 19:38:10

I have a marker on my address and also my mobile is linked to my address too so if I phone from my mobile they will know it's this address. It scares me that I'm classed as high risk.

I have an IDVA I can call and did the other day as initially he'd pleaded not guilty despite admitting sending me multiple messages and phone calls and was terrified I'd have to go to court which I would have done if I had to but was very worried about being torn apart by his defence solicitor so was relieved that he has now changed his plea to guilty.

I was shocked by his sentencing as expected him to get longer than 28 days plus he has to serve the 28 days he had previously had suspended. He put my phone number on a dating website for anyone to see - 'for a good time call ...' but will only do half so 4 weeks just doesn't seem like it will deter him from trying again to harass me and my girls.

CockapooMum Sat 17-Dec-16 19:42:00

Thankfully he's not the father to my girls. I'm on super alert. I thought I'd feel better with him in prison but I feel worse as I'm sure he'll get his revenge when he comes out. I keep thinking of the good stuff and minimising the bad. I won't go back to him. I've made that mistake too many times before but I feel like he's still there in my head and I can't get him out of it.

I went to the gp last week and got given diazepam which is helping a little but isn't a long term solution.

baconandeggies Sat 17-Dec-16 19:46:06

Is moving far away an option?

baconandeggies Sat 17-Dec-16 19:46:53

Or even moving anywhere he doesn't have your address would help!

baconandeggies Sat 17-Dec-16 19:47:58

And changing your phone numbers

BratFarrarsPony Sat 17-Dec-16 19:51:57

why don't you get a new SIM card?

Mummamayhem Sat 17-Dec-16 19:55:25

I'm in no way minimising the risk he poses to you but your high risk status may also be because you have resumed the relationship before, because that too makes the situation more dangerous .... if you can't move you must change your number and come off Facebook etc, don't allow any hope of him making 'nice' contact with you.

CockapooMum Sat 17-Dec-16 19:56:41

I just moved to this address on 1st December and signed for 6 months so think I'm stuck here til June. Don't want to leave the area as have lots of family close by and girls are settled at school. School are aware of what's gone on. At least whilst he's in prison I can go to church again but once he's out will avoid places I'd normally go.

With my mobile am on a contract but will contact provider to change number and also see if my boss will allow me to change my work mobile number too tho there's no guarantee he will.

The restraining order covers me at any address I'm living or working at but he's already breached twice so won't hold my breath that he won't breach again.

periwinklepickspoppies Sat 17-Dec-16 19:59:09

If he's not the father to your girls then there is no reason for him to know where you are, can you move away and cut all ties? Sorry you are in this situation.

CockapooMum Sat 17-Dec-16 20:01:05

I've made all my social media as secure as possible and set it up under a different name. He's rather stalker like in his behaviour and one of the things he did at my old address which was closer to town was walk up and down the main road to 'bump' into me. I've recently spoke with his ex and he did that to her. Where I live now is quieter and he'd have no reason to be in the area other than to harass me.

BratFarrarsPony Sat 17-Dec-16 20:01:26

" With my mobile am on a contract but will contact provider to change number and also see if my boss will allow me to change my work mobile number too tho there's no guarantee he will. "

well no offence but I would have thought you would have already done that as a priority.

Mummamayhem Sat 17-Dec-16 20:01:43

You're right, he more than likely try to contact you. It's great you are close to family - let them help, walk with you to school etc, anyone who cares about you will know you are not overreacting. This man needs a very clear signal that any contact he makes won't get him anywhere other than in trouble.

Mummamayhem Sat 17-Dec-16 20:03:20

The police should extend the restraining order - ie to so many miles from your home/childrens school etc. Ask about this.

CockapooMum Sat 17-Dec-16 20:04:46

It's a huge faff to change my number and especially my work mobile. the onus is on him not to contact me. Part of me thinks why should I go to faff of changing it plus then he will have definitely breached the order again and he will be arrested again as otherwise he's likely to turn up out the blue. At least this way I have warning that he is drunk and potentially on the way to mine so i can inform the police.

baconandeggies Sat 17-Dec-16 20:05:56

So hopefully he doesn't know your new address?

CockapooMum Sat 17-Dec-16 20:07:01

They've already varied the restraining order to cover any address I'm living at and also extended it to 2 years. I believe there's been another variation now but not had the paperwork thru yet.

CockapooMum Sat 17-Dec-16 20:11:31

Unfortunately he does know this new address as he hacked into my emails. The only email it was on was from the agent. The day I moved in was his first breach of the order. I had just signed for it and he left me messages saying he was sat outside my new address waiting for me and he hoped i felt safe. I drove straight to the police station and he was arrested the same day.

pallasathena Sat 17-Dec-16 20:15:38

Sometimes in life you have to make a decision to be very, very strong. To be a warrior in a sense; to be determined, resilient, powerful and strong.
This is your time to be that person. Not tomorrow, or next week, but now.
He's in prison for a very, very good reason and you need to get very very angry with the way you've been treated and refuse to feel pity or concern for him.
This isn't love that you feel, its the familiarity of a relationship based upon coercive control. Please, access all the help you can get and protect yourself and your children by removing yourself completely from his destructive influence.

CockapooMum Sat 17-Dec-16 20:21:33

I know you're right Pallas I really need to get him out of my head. It's like he's still in control even tho he's in prison. I've just ordered a book power and control - why charmed men can make dangerous lovers. He is extremely charming and I need to be strong now.

WallisFrizz Sat 17-Dec-16 20:22:18

You do need to change your number even if it is a faff. Yes, the onus is on him not to contact you but he has shown he will try so you have to take measures to protect yourself.

How did he find out your new address? I take it you are in touch with Womens Aid, they also attend the Marac meeting (which as pp said is about how they can help keep you and your children safe) so keep talking to them.

Important point- you have referred to him as being stalker like. Stalking is an offence in itself. If he is contacting you multiple times, showing up in places you are, visiting you, contacting your friends and relatives, going to your work place etc (any of these) then the police need to consider investigating him for harassment or stalking, not just prosecuting him for breach of RO, remind them of this. It may affect future sentencing.

Do not be tempted to engage with him. At the moment you have the sympathy of police and social services but this will wane if you let him back into your life.

CockapooMum Sat 17-Dec-16 20:28:19

I haven't engaged with him since I made it clear the relationship was over and have refused to answer calls or texts even when he pretends he has messaged me by mistake.

I know your right and I will see about getting my number changed. I'm just scared that by him not getting to even leave a message that it will prompt him to turn up but the messages themselves put me on edge.

I'm having support from a Safenet IDVA but not Women's Aid at present as think the IDVA does the same thing as women's aid and can phone them for advice. His probation worker is helpful too keeping me informed.

BratFarrarsPony Sat 17-Dec-16 20:28:34

I do get the impression that you might engage with him again.
Please do not , for the sake of your children.
Yes changing numbers is a 'faff' but it is worth doing. I would have thought.

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