Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help trying to make sense of it

(17 Posts)
WynterBlossom Sat 17-Dec-16 18:20:15

So some of you may know me from previous threads.

The one who's ex of 8 months left her whilst 20 weeks pregnant and hasn't made contact since.

Anyways the reason I need help is because of the guy he was and it making no sense what so ever.

My ex let's call him J for the sake of this thread.

So I met J in April, very cocky, very entitled....was just sex, or so I thought.
It all quickly turned into a relationship.

During sex or talk of sex, he was always very degrading and made it seem like my job was to please him.

Sorry, this is so long! I want to ensure I give the full picture.

From early on, his words were "all women are whores, all they look for is attention from men", something he stuck with for the duration although tried to say since meeting me, he didn't feel that strongly about it anymore. Please bear in mind, these words came from a 29 year old man who lives with his mother (who raised him alone from the age of 4), his sister and his grandmother, the only male he lived with was his brother who is 4 years older. He also didn't have much of a relationship with his father.

Whenever I'd get ready to go out (in the summer I like wearing vest tops and I am very big chested), his words would be, oh you may as well not wear a top seeing as they are practically on show, it's clear you are looking for attention from other men.

Whenever we were sat chilling, he'd decide he's turned on & ask for sex or more with the words of "go on then, stick my d*ck in your mouth", if I said no he'd say "il just rape you anyway".
All the while it's "just a joke" if I got upset.

He'd also start arguments, then when he'd realise it wasn't needed, he'd sit & patronise me by saying "why do you do this? Why do you cause problems?".

We'd have a heart to heart about insecurities & he'd tell me how he feels he's punching way above his weight with me, on the best looking girl he's been with & that he feels he's not the best looking guy, how his body isn't the greatest....he'd leave the room to have a wee & come back in & it's like someone else walked back in! "You know what, I've been thinking, I don't really mean what I said, I was being harsh on myself, I'm not the best looking guy but I'm a good looking one, I've got a nice body & let's me honest, without sounding vain, I knew you'd come back after the first time....all girls do, I haven't ever struggled to get a girl".

On occasions when I'm not feeling well, id get "oh you are just a moaner aren't you", then tell me "oh pipe down! I'm joking".

Please help me make sense of it all! It's so confusing, so so sorry for the long post, if you've got to this then fair play to you &! Thank you.

fc301 Sat 17-Dec-16 18:25:37

It seems pretty clear that he is an arsehole that you are better off without. Value yourself and DO NOT invite this prick back into your life. Nuff said.

Cricrichan Sat 17-Dec-16 18:26:42

Why on earth did you have a relationship with that poor excuse of a man???

WynterBlossom Sat 17-Dec-16 18:36:19

I'm questioning myself as to why too....I'm annoyed because after all the things he said so early on that I didn't walk away.

I guess I was stupid for thinking he'd change, he spent so much time telling me how he saw his own flaws, how he will change and be a better and nicer guy but as soon as he thought he'd spent enough time trying he'd slip back into his ways.

I guess once I fell pregnant, I didn't want to walk so quickly.

Naicehamshop Sat 17-Dec-16 19:19:09

Speechless. sad

Keithreefteeth Sat 17-Dec-16 19:34:55

Which bits dont you understand?

WynterBlossom Sat 17-Dec-16 19:41:15

Did he ever love me or am I just kidding myself??

Naicehamshop Sat 17-Dec-16 19:44:19

He doesn't sound as if he is capable of love.

Please work on your own self-esteem - don't risk going into another relationship like this.

Helloooooitsme Sat 17-Dec-16 19:45:49

I wouldn't have thought he did love you if he thinks all women are whores confused. Sorry but that's what he told you.

That and the rape comment would have turned my stomach and I could never have seen him again. I wouldn't bother analyzing it if I were you. What's the point?

WynterBlossom Sat 17-Dec-16 19:57:46

I guess it's because I'm pregnant with his child and the thought of having created a baby with a man who is so messed up actually makes me sad.

This wasn't what I planned at all.

He first said it when he was drunk which I had a go at him for and then moved on, however the other 10 times were when he was very much sober, he genuinely believed it was normal.

He also jokingly once said to me "you'll probably end up having a sexual relationship with our son"

Here's the back story, we were led in bed talking about the type of boy our son would be and whether he'd be a mummy's boy, I said he would because he'll always love his mummy & then that comment came out

xTinkerBella Sat 17-Dec-16 20:30:47

Jesus. I'm struggling to understand why you'd have sex unprotected with this man after the things you've mentioned in that post.

You still have choices, stay with this knob and moan forever or take your baby and run for the hills. You don't need to have him in your life, he is clearly abusive and you can do better.

Sassypants82 Sat 17-Dec-16 20:35:25

Were you using the username 'notmyweek' before? Did you email your ex's boss? And he reported you for stalking?

WynterBlossom Sat 17-Dec-16 20:55:00

Oh no, we've split now....complete NC. I fell pregnant early on so didn't know the full extent of what he was like, yes I should have got to know him better but it happened.

Gallavich Sat 17-Dec-16 20:58:47

What's confusing?
He's a nasty person which you overlooked for some reason, your own low self esteem and self delusion possibly. It was very poor decision making but it's done now.
No, he probably didn't love you, he sounds like a very messed up person who probably cannot genuinely love a woman. But then you didn't really love him either, you seem to have created a fiction of a man to love who wasn't actually real.
Focus on your baby and future, stop wasting time on him.

Helloooooitsme Sat 17-Dec-16 20:58:59

He sounds quite disturbed. Stay away.

WynterBlossom Sat 17-Dec-16 21:03:29

I am, I'm just struggling with the fact I genuinely cared for a man who is so incapable of loving me or even caring for me, was/is my self esteem so low that I was willing to ignore all of the messed up things??

I don't think it was low when we first met, I was very confident & genuinely didn't want a bf, we had a disagreement around 4 days after meeting & I actually blocked him out of my life as I wasn't prepared to deal with his behaviour so very early on & id rather have been alone.

Well, he searched me on fb & message me, stupidly I gave another chance as he "talked me round".

FellOutOfBed2wice Sat 17-Dec-16 23:06:21

One of the best phrases I ever learnt in regard to relationships is "when someone tells you who they are- listen". This man has made no secret of the fact he's a cunt. Keep away from him and keep your child away from him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now