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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does anyone have any experience of confronting their childhood abuser?

(31 Posts)
thatshowasuperherolearnstofly Sat 17-Dec-16 18:04:43

I'm planning to do this in the new year.

Just wondered if anyone could offer any advice/experience/a handhold?

mudandmayhem01 Sat 17-Dec-16 18:09:42

I would think going to the police or maybe the nspcc if you can't face the police would be safer for you for many reasons. Is this something you could do?

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly Sat 17-Dec-16 18:11:00

Thanks for replying mud. I can't go to the police, it's complicated..

Hadn't thought about NSPCC. Maybe..

MotherFuckingChainsaw Sat 17-Dec-16 18:17:33

I know someone who did. (Friend of someone in my social circle)

Chap was abused by a relative as a boy, the wider family knew but covered it up. he grew into a fairly messed up young man, always in fights. Grew out of that As an adult but stayed quite fit and still handy with his fists.

Went round to his abusers one night and properly knocked seven kinds of shit out of him. The family also covered this up so though the older chap ended up in hospital and had some permanent damage, the police were not involved.

Pretty sad all round.

Duckiesprettycrazy Sat 17-Dec-16 18:46:52

Here for handholding.

I have thought about doing this but it was a close family member and can't see that it would be of any benefit to confront him so I've always kept quiet sad

TheFullMinty Sat 17-Dec-16 19:16:39

Perhaps talking to the adult survivors of childhood abuse helpline might be useful to talk through your options and what organisations (other than the police) might be able to help support you in whatever you choose to do?

You don't have to involve the police but there are lots of other agencies that can offer advice etc.

lukasgrahamfan Sat 17-Dec-16 19:45:37

No. It happened when I was a baby/toddler and was only informed what happened when I was much older. He was dead by that time or I would have tracked him down, gone round and pulverised him for how my life has been so badly affected by the selfish bastard

Yoarchie Sat 17-Dec-16 19:51:24

Can I ask how you believe confronting him will help you or what your main reason(s) for choosing this option are? I'm just asking because I wonder if there are better ways for you to get support/help rather than talking to an evil person?

clarr Sat 17-Dec-16 20:03:19

Think very carefully about what your goal is.

How will you feel if they deny it? How will you feel if they admit it, or partially admit and minimise it? What if they make excuses? How will you feel if they try to blame you for their actions? Could they become violent now - would you be safe?

I would be extremely surprised if they admit what happened and/or apologise etc, so you may be left feeling even more angry and hurt than now.

Police are always an option, even if it is complicated. The police are used to complicated situations.

flowers

BantyCustards Sat 17-Dec-16 20:45:49

Yup and it was so not worth it

Yoarchie Sat 17-Dec-16 22:33:43

Yes I wanted to add that as well - he could and very well might completely deny it. He could tell you he was helping you with wet clothes or some bullshit or just completely not acknowledge anything at all.

Unicornsandrainbows3 Sat 17-Dec-16 23:50:48

Indirectly yes and it made it worse.

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly Sun 18-Dec-16 00:10:37

Banty and unicorns, if you had your time again would you not do it?

BantyCustards Sun 18-Dec-16 00:11:35

Yes, I would not do it. But that's me and my abuser.

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly Sun 18-Dec-16 00:12:01

Duckies, thank you. Mine is also a close family member. So complicated, isn't it?

Apologies if I'm not responding to anyone without direct experience. I can't.

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly Sun 18-Dec-16 00:12:52

Thanks banty. I'm sorry it didn't work out well for you flowers

Mrsdarcyiwish10 Sun 18-Dec-16 16:18:28

Mine was a family member too, it is with the police now even though it happened 30 yes ago, I imagine every day what I would say to their face.

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly Sun 18-Dec-16 17:56:06

Thanks for replying Mrsdarcy, I wish you the best of luck with your case flowers

mylittlephoney Sun 18-Dec-16 18:01:47

He was 15 I was 9. He died when he was 20 from drug overdose alone and in a squat. Although I never had legal justice I think that karma well and truely bit his ass. Took me 27 years to realise it wasn't my fault and to grow as a woman. I had always felt like a child before like i was stuck at that age. I have nothing but respect for those who try to bring these fetted scumbags to justice. My support group we call ourselves warrior women. flowers

pocketsaviour Sun 18-Dec-16 18:39:15

Sort of confronted my abuser (dad) as a child (age 15) when I disclosed to my teacher what had been happening. He had assaulted me daily from age 11 to 13 then stopped when my mum found out. Her reaction was to tell me never to talk about it again and that I'd made her very angry hmm

The reason I disclosed when I did was because he had started grooming my younger sister. When I told my mum this she said "Don't be silly darling, he doesn't even like her." hmm

Anyway I had the full script from him:
It didn't happen at all
He was just playing a game and I was mistaken
It was all Esther Rantzen's fault because this stupid Childline stuff put ideas in kids' heads
I must have made it up to punish him because I'd asked for a new computer for Xmas and he'd said no
OK, it did happen but I wanted it so it was my fault
I was very flirtatious so he couldn't help himself
I obviously liked it because otherwise I would have killed myself or run away
I must have liked it because I continued to spend time with him
It was all my mum's fault for being frigid, because A Man Has Needs
More and more stuff which I've forgotten, all equally wounding and scarring to hear as a child.

Unfortunately there was nobody in the house to advocate for me, nobody was on my side. I was the troublemaker. I was the one causing problems and "washing my dirty laundry in public". My mum told me "You can drag yourself through the dirt if you must but you're not bringing this family down with you." hmm

The police declined to prosecute, btw. It was the 80s. They didn't even bother interviewing my sister.

What I'm saying is, be prepared not just for his denials and blame-casting onto you, but also be prepared for the rest of your family to turn on you. If you do go ahead with this, it can be very freeing just to look the bastard in the eye and say "I know what you did and you will burn in hell", but make sure you have strong support around you.

If this has come to your mind because it's Xmas and you're expected to spend time with the abuser, can you think about making an excuse to get out of it? Sudden bout of stomach flu, etc. Terrible bug been going round at work, spent Xmas day on the toilet, blah blah blah.

flowers

MumaRia1 Sun 18-Dec-16 18:45:22

When is was 13 i was abused at the age of 19 i met with him through the police, i realised it wasn't my fault, after that i finally was able to trust people again..sorry i didn't help you

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly Sun 18-Dec-16 18:47:31

Sorry to hear what you went through mylittlephoney (and everyone else) sad

Pocketsaviour - thanks for your reply. Can I ask how you got from outright denial to admission - was that in the same conversation or did you have to confront him again?

Yourarejokingme Sun 18-Dec-16 19:17:14

I confronted mine (stepfather) but he said I imagined it all. I told my mother and she responded with you'll have to go stay with your auntie but you can't tell them. She actually saw him gropping me the fukker and she said I was a slut. Nice one eh to a 12 -13 year old. I became a troublemaker but all I got but you've a lovely middle class family yeah and so what doesn't stop abuse does it. This was in the 80's.

My mother tried to rewrite history and I wasn't haven't it. I went low contact and I never ever left my kids with her or him in fact they didn't get to visit for years.

Both are now dead

OnTheRise Sun 18-Dec-16 19:23:05

I reported the person who abused me to the police a few years ago. He was dead by then, I later discovered. But just reporting him was so cathartic.

I wouldn't have confronted him myself because (with hindsight) he'd have found some way to make it all my fault. The police would have been able to cut that down straight away.

Why can't you go to the police? It doesn't matter who it was, or how close they are to you: just report them. Scumbag.

SnorkelParka Sun 18-Dec-16 19:38:39

I don't have any advice, but if you do go ahead, make sure you are safe, can get away quickly if you need to, and have someone around to support you afterwards (someone who knows what you are doing, or a helpline, or someone to be with even if they don't know the full story).

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