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Ex lying to DD - exasperated and don't know what to do?

(19 Posts)
donners312 Sat 17-Dec-16 18:02:15

Very long story and posted so many times about all the weird things my ex had done particularly to the DC.

All my family have now blocked him and we have given up trying to arrange contact between him and DC - after trying for 18 months and going around in circles.

DS won't have anything to do with him but he does message DD all the time, needy, lying and pathetic as normal, but my problem is if I stop him messaging her then she could say i am stopping contact?

If I tell her "your father is lying' I am bad mouthing him?

and I leave it that will cause long term damage too!

He is 100% narc and i am totally exhausted by him but really only want the best for DC.

She is 12.

TheresAlwaysTimeForTea Sat 17-Dec-16 18:07:23

What exactly is he lying to her about OP?

donners312 Sat 17-Dec-16 18:23:25

he will lie about literally anything.

For example 3 weeks ago he lied that he had no money to come and see them. He has only seen them twice this year the last time was in June.

then within days I found out he had gone on a very expensive holiday!

I felt sick for the children.

He then had one last chance to come and see them for the weekend - didn't turn up! Then messaged her (even though i had not told the children about it as i knew he probably wouldn't come) to apologize and said he hadn't come because "mummy hadn't arranged it" Honestly.

The latest lie is that he has sent her money (he hasn't) and has said "Mummy must have it"

He doesn't pay any maintenance and never has. He has never given me any money for them.

It is just a stupid and pointless lie???

donners312 Sat 17-Dec-16 18:25:53

He also messages that he misses her - (then come and see her?)

That he loves her so much - (then show love, come and see them, don't leave them homeless, I could go on)

It is just emotional manipulation, I am trying to make her understand that people can say anything but look at what they actually do!!!

I am so worried about how low her expectations will be in the future!

LanaorAna1 Sat 17-Dec-16 18:31:57

It's a foul job for you. A really nasty one, but you have to tell DD the truth. She needs someone in her life she can trust. The truth will preserve her mental health and must always rank higher than protecting an ex, at least in this instance.

The father is a bit of junk. Chances are he will go away of his own accord, but in the meantime remember a bad parent is worse than an absent one. He doesn't love the DC, either, so, sad as it is, I would find a way to shut his lies out.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater Sat 17-Dec-16 18:38:08

I don't have a daughter, nor a 12 year old. If I were in this horrible position I'd try to be as honest with my child as possible. I'd explain each point. I'd acknowledge that you don't want to be unnecessarily bad-mouthing her father, but that you want her to grow up with healthy relationships & good expectations for how those close to her will treat her in future.

She's very nearly a teenager, and as much as this is a shitty situation she needs to be protected as well as guided to understand basic rules in any relationship.

It's tough - I don't envy you at all.

donners312 Sat 17-Dec-16 18:38:17

Thanks so much for that - this is what i struggle with.

I've been repeatedly told that if it goes to court they would say any parent better than an absent parent? But i just don't get that?

I only want what is best for the children.

I have arranged counseling for her after christmas but i am worried she doesn't see a problem with her Dad IYSWIm she just says everything is "fine' and she is very sweet and gentle by nature - a narcissists like him dream child to pray on.

donners312 Sat 17-Dec-16 18:39:34

I have also tried to compensate for the children sake - eg giving them money and presents from him when he doesn't bother but i have stopped doing that now.

TheresAlwaysTimeForTea Sat 17-Dec-16 18:46:03

Yep I agree with the others - when DD says something to you that you know to be untrue you need to tell her that. You can do it gently but you should set her straight. She'll thank you in the long run. If it gets to the stage where she questions his statements to him my guess is that he will lie again and turn it on you. Eventually she will see the truth herself. He sounds awful OP.

tireddotcom72 Sat 17-Dec-16 18:56:10

He sounds exactly like my ex. Dd is now 13 and has mental health issues now because of his crappy idea of parenting she now has regular camhs appointments and is slowly learning to deal with his pathetic behaviour x it's all my fault according to him - I have learnt to not bite back for dd sake but it's hard x no advice but sympathetic large virtual glass of wine for you x

donners312 Sat 17-Dec-16 19:37:50

This is just like a night mare that never ends TBH.

I just wish he would go away but he is literally like a child who believes any attention (bad attention) is better than no attention.

It does feel like the death throes of a nightmare two years where he has behaved totally despicably (have posted loads of times) and there is literally nothing else he can do as he gives none of us anything and made himself totally disposable.

I do think surely now he will f* off but he just never does and his last chance of attention is to basically torment DD but surely soon it will end.

He is DS who has no respect for him and doesn't bother with him and a DD who just feels sorry for him (which he craves - anyones sympathy)

and like you tired, none of it is his fault all mine!!

tireddotcom72 Sat 17-Dec-16 19:45:44

I keep praying he will disappear but after a few months he pops up again. He really is a big child who thinks his behaviour is totally acceptable! At one point he told his then 11 year old he couldn't do being a dad at that point as he was depressed about his job and needed to find himself. He is 48 ffs!! Grow up!! He has even blamed her for his failings as a parent on more than one occasion!

How do men like this exist?

donners312 Sat 17-Dec-16 20:12:37

Honestly I don't know - mine stole all the family money!

Overtime I ask for maintenance his solicitor says "he is not legally obliged to pay any maintenance" because he doesn't work!! he doesn't have to because he has all the bloody money!!

Meantime i am working morning, noon and night!

They are just utter twats!

Mine is now homeless Boo hoo!! AKA sponging off anyone who will put him up so he doesn't have to spend any money. and believe me I know as i have seen in the court all the bank accounts he emptied!

thisismyfirsttime Sat 17-Dec-16 20:16:28

I think you should be honest with her. If dad tells her he sent you money for her- I'm sorry sweetheart but he didn't, ask him to check the bank details (or whatever). If you arrange with him to see her tell her. Even if he doesn't turn up and it upsets her I think in the long run it's better for her to know he does this than to feel stuck not knowing who/ what to believe. If she tells you he's saying he misses her suggest a weekend he could see her a few weeks time, 'why don't you suggest the weekend after next, we're not doing anything so see what he thinks' etc. HE is hurting her and I've seen first hand in my own family the results of a mum who tried to soften the blow and it ended up with a confused teen who knew what was going on but had doubts because the waste of fucking space father put them there. He was the 'hero' on the odd occasion he actually bothered to get his arse in gear. The teen saw him for what he was but it took longer and I think was more painful for her than if she hadn't been protected from his bullshit for so long. With the best intentions, of course.

anonyAnonymouse Sat 17-Dec-16 21:17:40

Wow OP, if I didn't know better I would say your ex and my STBXH are the same person. hmm
My DC is 13 and can see through ex's lies though sometimes DC does check with me and I just tell the truth. I don't say how I feel about it, I just keep to the facts, DC really appreciates it.
I can't say much more as it might be obvious who I am (if STBXH comes on here fishing) as certain issues mean the court is now involved.

lalalalyra Sat 17-Dec-16 22:53:02

My ex was a bit like this for a while. My girls were 11. I ended up showing one of the girls my bank statement - she could see the last time he paid anything (months and months before) and nothing on the days that he said he'd sent money. We also set up a hotmail account that she and I both had the password for and we emailed him from it informing him that any contact attempts should be made through that and that way DD could know all of the times he had tried and I hadn't told her or had stopped it.

It wasn't easy when she finally realised that it wasn't me, but it does mean she knows it was 100% him.

redexpat Sat 17-Dec-16 23:13:28

I think now would be a good time to tell your daughter that actually it is not her job to make him feel better. That she is not obliged to return contact. What a good loving dad looks like.

donners312 Mon 19-Dec-16 13:49:00

sorry for all of you also going through this with these dickheads!

thank you for the suggestions will definitely implement them.

I did tell her the other night that her dad wasn't telling the truth about the money but she just kept saying 'it's fine" she doesn't seem t want to face it.

he keeps asking her to call him - why doesn't he just pick up the phone and call her??? twat!

jeaux90 Mon 19-Dec-16 14:37:30

Because all of this is form for the narc. They can not lie. You should be truthful, don't cover for him and hopefully when she is older she will understand.

I am lucky I am nc with my ex narc and he has had no contact since she was 2. She is 7. She occasionally asks about him. I say that some people are just not good at being nice or telling the truth.

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