Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
advent of the end(5 Posts)
happy sham Christmas to all those out there who know deep down that this is probably the end of mum and dad and children living cosily under one roof
hectic christmasstress of a saturday
dp been on works do yesterday, buy him stuff for a fry up whilst he has mega lie in, forget the 'organic baked beans' as was thinking about one hundred other things as as i was in town shopping and sending parcels and writing card from or happy family
so i say sorry suggest maybe he has some tea and toast to get his blood sugar up, doesnt answer, try again
im a fucking repetitive bitch, (as he starts throwing things around on the kitchen counter) disgusting (cos too busy yesterday on my opne day off work to properly clean the house) , i need to shut up stop giving him advice
i asked him to go out for a bit he refused and went back to bed
now he has got up (hours later) and gone shopping got his fucking beans made and eaten fry up and now has gone back to bed
thankfully dc have been on sleepover, now gone swimming havent heard all this
i say if we are going to seperate it aint happening this week
its just all too much
my parents due for christmas he is already moaning about it as they are around three day (not even staying with us ) and will want to organise things
I am left buying presents for all his family as always he says i only do it so that people will think im wonderful
sick sick sick of all the down putting
oh and it is our twenty year anniversary today
this has been a long ride....
Are you married to this person?.
Presumably you buy his family presents because he cannot be bothered to do so on the grounds that he is too "busy" (or sees it as womens work).
Don't let this be the rest of your life and make 2017 the year in which you finally jettison this person from your life. There is never a good time to leave but you really do need to make plans to have a life of your own away from this individual now. What are your DC learning about relationships here, that this is indeed how people treat others in relationships. This is not the model they should be seeing at all.
He is not going to change and certainly not after 20 years. Do not also let the "sunken costs fallacy" keep you also within this, that basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.
Christmas is but two days after all. Think about where you want to be post Christmas and in 2017.
This is what I previously wrote to you as well not so long ago:-
What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here?.
Re your comment:-
" When I get abuse from him I say 'don't talk to me like that its unacceptable' so the kids know that its not OK".
But the problem is that you and he are still together so they receive mixed messages. You are showing them that currently at least this treatment is still acceptable to you on some level.
There are two sides but yours has been subsumed completely. He has never let you express yourself at all because he wants to play at being Big Man in his house because he is at heart inadequate and simply sees you (this supposedly strong woman) as a challenge and someone to take down with him to his base level.
Abuse is also not about a lack of communication; its about power and control. You have discussed and compromised constantly; he refuses to do that".
I presume as well he has used the word "depression". I would ask you whether he acts similarly around other people as he does with you. If that answer is no I would state that he is "unhappy" yes but he blames you for his own "unhappiness". Some men also cite depression as an excuse or cover for their own abusive behaviours. Men like this really hate women, all of them.
Look at his parents OP; what sort of a relationship example did they show him?.
Sounds awful. I went to visit an 80 odd year couple via work recently. They hated the bones of each other, fucking hated each other. I thought to myself if I don't do something about my own relationship, I'm bloody going to end up like these 2 and what a waste. So I've recently separated from dp and it's been the best thing I've done.
Your dh sounds like an absolute bastard in how he treats you so whether you could sort something amicabley or not I don't know.
Dig deep inside and you will know what you want and need. Fear is just an illusion that holds us back in life.
Oh yeah and FUCK buying his family's presents!! No way would I be doing that.
Don't buy the presents.
Suggest he move out since he doesn't want to spend Christmas with your in laws.
Your kids know. Don't give them another shit Christmas.
Be brave. You can do it.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.