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Fallen out of love and don't know how to end it

(41 Posts)
mummyceecee Sat 17-Dec-16 12:35:41

So I have been with my partner for nearly 12 years & we have a 5 yo dd. The last few years have been hard, money wise, he got into debt with PCN;'s that he didn't pay and the charges spiraled out of control. Balliff's have been numerous times & he promises to sort everything out and never does. He constantly borrows money from me and friends/family and its hard work trying to get him to pay it back. I work part time but pay all of the rent and bills, he barely has enough at the end of the week week to contribute anything to the household as he is normally paying me back from what he's borrowed during the week.
Christmas is almost here and he hasn't bought one gift for dd, I have bought everything. I always do. I always have.

I'm at the stage where I just don't want to know him anymore, I come home from work, cook dinner and take dd to bed so I don't have to be around him. We have no physical relationship and never do anything together. I've realized now that I don't love him anymore, except as the father of our child. I also know I can cope without him but I'm hesitant to tell him as he suffers from depression and has been suicidal in the past. He would have nowhere to go and couldn't afford to rent alone (he'd never pass the credit check anyway). He refuses to take anti depressants anymore (mainly because he never has the money for the prescription, he'd normally borrow that off me in the past) which makes me angry as he doesn't seem to want to help himself. I have tried in the past to help him with his finances, offered to contact debt helplines with him but he's so secretive about money. I am open and honest about my finances with him but he lies all the time, about what he earns, if he's paid certain debts, I have no idea where his money goes. I used to think maybe he had a drug problem, he shows no sign of it but he used drugs regularly (weed) before we had dd, this is what I am resorting to thinking as I cannot see any logical explanation about what happens to his wages. He never buys clothes or anything like that. Doesn't drink.

He's lied to me so much that all trust is gone. I have tried talking to him but he isn't very good at it. He finds it hard to discuss things and just gets angry and storms off. The last time I tried to get the truth about something from him he started saying he was going to end his life, said goodbye to our dd and walked out. This left her in tears and then he was back an hour later saying he had no where to go and could he just sleep on the sofa. I don't want to create a situation that makes him feel so low he would do something stupid, I don't want my dd to grow up without her dad but I don't want her growing up thinking its normal to not get on with your partner and live in misery. She's a very intelligent 5 yo and leaps to the defense of her dad if we ever argue, for fear he will walk out again. It makes me feel awful because she must think I am the reason he left.

I don't know how to end a relationship with someone who has depression and debt problems. I don't want him to think they are the reason its over. Its over because I have fallen out of love.

EmeraldIsle100 Sat 17-Dec-16 15:05:40

You need to tell him how you feel and explain the consequences that will occur if he continues to refuse to take his medication. Depression is an awful illness and his behaviour shows signs that he is depressed. He has a responsibility to you and his child to take medication and has chosen not to. He says its about the money but it isn't.

If he decided to take the medication would you feel differently or is this relationship over regardless?

I don't blame you for wanting to leave. My EXH was depressed and took it out on me. Looking back there is no doubt that he used his illness as a stick to beat me with. I tried everything to help him, paid for everything, did all the child care and arranged and accompanied him to doctors appointments. When I left him, funnily enough for the exact same issues you are experiencing, he got on top of his depression and moved on perfectly fine.

If you decide to end the relationship you might want to leave the discussion until after Christmas but start to make enquiries and plans in the meantime about how to extricate yourself from this relationship. Knowing that this situation is not going to continue will get you through Christmas.

I know he is not well but that does not mean that you and your daughter should be subjected to anger and threats of suicide if you decide to raise issues that need to be raised.

EmeraldIsle100 Sat 17-Dec-16 15:09:31

I also meant to say that you need to tell him you are not in love with him. Don't worry about anyone judging you for your decision, you don't owe anyone any explanations. Put yourself and your daughter first.

queenofthebucket Sat 17-Dec-16 16:31:45

he is taking advantage of your good nature and emotionally abusing your dd.

mummyceecee Sat 17-Dec-16 20:29:29

I thought the same thing, whether he's using his depression to make me feel guilty. If he truly wanted to get well, he would address the illness and not make excuses about treating it. I think I should wait until after Christmas, I don't want my dd to have a rubbish day. I've suggested debt management companies to him but he doesn't do anything. Even today I've been getting messages from my b.i.l asking me to remind him about money he owes him. It's draining and will make Christmas with the family awkward. I suppose new year, new start.

greenfolder Sat 17-Dec-16 20:33:12

Tell family it is for them to chase him for money owed. More fool them for lending. He has family so presumably he could go to them. My friend had similar. Ill be honest it was not pretty. But it had to be done.

EmeraldIsle100 Sat 17-Dec-16 20:39:38

Don't #feel awkward, you have nothing to feel awkward about. Text your BIL and explain that you have been trying to get your partner to address his finances to no avail. Ask him to communicate directly with your partner.

When was in your situation I skirted around the issues with my DH in case he would go off on one. It was only when I left that I realised I had taken the wrong approach. Don't protect him and be honest and direct to everyone including him.

Say what is on your mind.

LellyMcKelly Sat 17-Dec-16 20:41:10

He's an emotionally and financially manipulative cock lodger. He could help himself, and you, by taking his medication and calling a debt management company, but he's choosing not to. He's embarrassing you by borrowing money from your family. He threatened suicide in front of your five year old daughter. You have done everything you can to help, but he is choosing not to be helped. I think you've done everything you can. He is not taking responsibility for anything and on top of that he's lying to you. You are not responsible for him, and you deserve better - this is no way to live your life. Make an exit strategy for after Christmas, warn everyone not to give him money, and then tell him to go.

Christmassnake Sat 17-Dec-16 20:42:09

Bide your time.make your plans....it's to near Christmas to ask him to leave now .in my humble opinion...but perhaps give him a date in January when he has to leave by,try a new year chat about the future perhaps he knows how you feel...he may be expecting it .good luck

Ohdearducks Sat 17-Dec-16 21:01:02

He's using you and being emotionally abusive to you and your DD. He doesn't deserve your sympathy or empathy. Tell him he's got to go and don't listen to any suicide bullshit.

mummyceecee Sun 18-Dec-16 11:15:54

Thank you all your advice. It's good to know that what I feel and have been thinking isn't just me being paranoid. I wasn't sure if I was overreacting or being unreasonable. My plan is to have a good Christmas and not let this all get to me. I will have a serious talk with him in the new year. I just wNt the old him back but do I say 'one more chance' or just finish it out right? How many more chances do I give him? I do really want to help him but he he just rebuffs my offers.

EmeraldIsle100 Sun 18-Dec-16 11:23:30

If he doesn't make serious attempts to address his illness and debt and any other issues you end it. Set a deadline and stick by it. Your DD is suffering as a result of his behaviour and that cannot continue.

Ohdearducks Sun 18-Dec-16 12:11:46

Sounds like he's had every chance your patience can take, when you reach the end of your tether her pulls the suicide card to manipulate you and the cycle begins again. After Christmas I'd be showing him the door.

Allofaflumble Sun 18-Dec-16 13:51:49

I hate to say it but generally they move on pretty sharp ish to someone else. And that is a real head storm on top of all the angst you went through.

mummyceecee Sun 05-Nov-17 23:57:40

So finally I made him do a drug test today. I came back from shopping to find a strange smell in the bathroom. I smell this one him all the time and he was meant to be watching DD. She was in another room watching tv luckily. It tested positive for cocain opiates and methadone. He said the test was wrong and left. DD knows he has gone but not the reason why. I feel sick.

GottadoitGottadoit Mon 06-Nov-17 00:14:17

it's to near Christmas to ask him to leave now

Nope.

In my opinion 15th-26th would be the Gotta Stick it Out for Crtistmas Relationship Ring Fence. Before and after that is fine.

There is never a 'good' time to split up with someone and he has 2 months (just about) till Christmas. Plenty of time.

RandomMess Mon 06-Nov-17 00:17:53

So in the last year things just carried on? Your life will be much easier without him flowers

ferrier Mon 06-Nov-17 06:56:38

I'm sorry you put up with him for another year only to have your initial suspicions confirmed.

You and your dd are better off without him. Not sure whether your dd at 6 will know about drugs yet but I'd say something like dh has got ill because he's been using some bad medicines and needs to go away to get better.

flowers

TammyswansonTwo Mon 06-Nov-17 07:27:41

My god, what a horrible shock for you OP.. You must be absolutely reeling.

On the plus side you now know the truth, and he's gone. If you want things to work out then perhaps seeing that he will lose everything will give him the push he needs to get himself sorted out. It can happen if someone really wants to change, but they have to be ready.

How have things been over the last year?

SandyY2K Mon 06-Nov-17 08:52:05

He sounds awful. No wonder he doesn't have any money using it on drugs...While with DD.

If it's his brother he owes ..Tell him to ask your DH for the money directly.

Tell your side of the family not you lend him any money.

Mum4Fergus Mon 06-Nov-17 09:03:23

OP, sadly I’ve been there/done it with an x many years ago. I put up with it for 17 years, it never gets any better. Please, for your wee one, do not wait until Christmas...act now x

KarenW Mon 06-Nov-17 11:45:27

OP, are you ok? Thinking of you and how much better off you are going to be , both emotionally and financially without him around you draining you dry!

mummyceecee Mon 06-Nov-17 15:17:52

Thanks, the last year was the same as it had always been. He was working but always skint and borrowing from me.
My dad fell ill a few months ago so I was preoccupied with looking after him.
Then the other half kept making excuses as to why he wasn't going to work, turned out he'd been fired. He lied for almost 2 weeks about it.I found out because I opened a letter by mistake that confirmed his termination. Sadly my dad died and we had the funeral last week. I smelt drugs on him then, and then again the next day at the school fireworks display.
I'd promised my mum I would move back home to help her out and I couldn't go with him in tow, I just didn't trust him and couldn't put my mum through any more stress. I bought the test months ago but never had the courage to use it. Then his phone beeped with a message so I went to pass it to him and it was from someone offering 'light and dark' and the prices. One look on google and I discovered this meant crack or heroin.
I'm glad I did because now I know I'm not crazy or paranoid (his words whenever I challenged him), I'm just so angry at him, he's hurt me but most of all a precious little girl that idolizes him. She had an awful night last night, kept asking for him, there were lots of tears and this morning she looked sad going to school.
I suppose everything happens for a reason and maybe my dad has given me the strength to do this, from up there in heaven. My DD even said last night that she's sad because she;s lost Granddad and her dad and it doesn't feel like a family anymore. She asked where her Dad had gone to live and said she was worried in case he had to live on the streets. She's 6, she should not be having these thoughts or concerns.The thing is, he probably is on the streets. He text me last night to say he was in a shelter and could I give him money for food! I know he won't spend it on food but I put £10 in his bank and told him that if contacted me again for money, I would block his number. He doesn't even acknowledge what he's done. More concerned with trying to make me feel bad about how he has ended up.
The saddest thing is, his own father, who he didn't have a relationship, died of a heroin overdoes alone.
I just feel so sad for my little girl. She doesn't deserve a father like him.

Shayelle Mon 06-Nov-17 17:27:07

She doesnt but she has a mum like you to protect her and love her. Keep him out its the best thing for both of you. Im sorry about the loss of your Dad. I bet he will be looking over you flowers

DancesWithOtters Mon 06-Nov-17 17:30:59

Stay strong OP. I doubt you've heard the last of him. You've done the right thing.

Can anyone come stay in your house with you for a bit, to back you up in case he tries to come back? Have you changed the locks?

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