AIBU to be sad and disappointed?

[Norky1975]

DP and I together 5 years. He has been living with me practically for all this time, sorting out his divorce etc etc, but never officially living together. To cut a very long story short, his ex has finally moved out of the marital home and has it back - he had talked about getting the house back but always said he would rent it out or sell, and we would set up home together properly. Now he has backtracked and is saying he wants somewhere where his children can come (16 and 19) which I totally understand, and he's spending more time at his house 20 miles away than with me. He insists he loves me and wants a future together, but I'm feeling very let down and hurting a lot seeing him buying things for his house and no interest in my little flat.
Where do I go from here? Christmas is going to be a nightmare. He hasn't organised anything, hasn't asked me what I'm doing, and I'm absolutely not chasing him around. He also still has a lot of his things at mine which he seems reluctant to take.
I would really appreciate your thoughts

[Starsandcars9]

Yes you've a right to feel disappointed. 5 years is a long time and he's shown you a commitment level like it was 5 months - did you do a typo or are you really together 5 years?!
It sounds like you were just a convenience to him sorry.
Although he may just be enjoying getting his house back... Though that doesn't excuse the Christmas thing, plus he should really be asking you to move into his house with him.
Id back off for a bit...

[Starsandcars9]

Ps I'm so sorry you're having to go through this at Christmas time - men can truly be plonkers sometimes!

[Norky1975]

Really together 5 years! Problem is, if I back off, he's the type that won't fight to keep us together. Too weak.
Moving in with him isn't an option - it's far too far away from my DD school and my work.

[Norky1975]

Also, what's making it more difficult is the fact that I seem to be surrounded by people getting engaged, buying houses together and sharing their lives. It makes me so sad.

[Starsandcars9]

I'm so sorry. I really would back off a bit - if it's you doing all the work to keep you guys together then it's not going to work anyway.
Explain to him how you feel and ask him what he sees the future for you as if you feel brave enough - after 5 years he owes you some honesty.
It might just be a phase on the back of his divorce but doesn't sound good.

[Starsandcars9]

Ps don't go on facebook - not everyone's life is as happy as it seems - it's very easy to post a few photos or tell people about your new house but you don't see what goes on underneath!

[Norky1975]

Thankyou for replying
He insists we will have a place together "one day". I'm 41, nearly 42, living in a rented flat with my DD (9) and I don't want to wait until he decides he's ready to commit.

[Gazelda]

Hes being a shit to you. I'd be very hurt and disappointed too.
Where was he officially living for the past 5 years, where his bills etc going to your flat? Council tax? If so, do they still come to your address?
I think you need to tell him how you feel and ask him to either commit to living with you or do you the courtesy of being honest and break up, allowing you to move on.
Whether you do that this side of Christmas or wait until the NY, I don't know which I'd do.

[AhYerWill]

Sadly it sounds like you were just a convenient place to stay while he waited to get his house back. I think that if, after 5 years together, you don't think he'll put up any sort of fight to keep your relationship together, then you're best off letting him go. Being single has to be better than being with someone quite so indifferent to your feelings surely?

[Norky1975]

That's what I've been thinking.
I might be better off with nothing than this

[Hillfarmer]

You are not being unreasonable to be sad and disappointed but I think this man is showing his true colours. Words are cheap, so he may 'insist' that he loves you but he is not prepared to make any effort towards you. It's a shame that after 5 years you are finding this out. You seem to know already that he is not 'the type' to fight for you. Erm, I think you have put up with his emotionally passive attitude for a long time and expect to make all the emotional input to the relationship - to be frank, perhaps you're just kidding yourself that you have a proper relationship while he sits back and cynically enjoys all the home comforts.

I think you're afraid to question this set-up. Why? I think you know the answer - he can't be arsed to put himself out for you and now he's got his house back he doesn't need to pretend that he gives a toss. You seem to know that he puts zero effort into whether you're happy or not. Call his bluff while you still have some dignity. Pack the rest of his stuff up and dump it round to his place. Show him that 5 years of false promises and stringing you along just to get everything nicely laid on is quite enough for you.

You never know he might then attempt to step up. Don't hold your breath.

[Nellyphants]

He's just not into you, if he was he'd be bending over backwards to please you. I'd cut my losses & move on.

[Norky1975]

I'm thinking I'm going to put his stuff in bags today. Is it a metaphorical way to stay here by leaving loads of clothes?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Five years is a big chunk of your DD's life.

Maybe he assumes it's a given you will spend Christmas together, allowing for seeing his DCs too, naturally.

Ask him outright what the plan for Christmas is, and beyond. Do you truly think he's so besotted with the notion of getting the house back he'd forget selling it and put it over and above you pooling resources to find a home for you 3 and his DCs to stay over occasionally?

By not 'officially' living together was his name not on any bills? But you offered him a roof over his head when he said he had nowhere else to go? If he was paying all or part of the mortgage on the marital home for his DCs I appreciate money was tight.
Otoh if he was a bit of a freeloader whilst
he enjoyed the comforts of home I would be smarting too.

if I back off, he's the type that won't fight to keep us together. Too weak.
That made my heart sink for you.

[Norky1975]

Yes, he's obsessed with the house. Even more so now.
I'm not so sure he's assuming we will spend Christmas together. Far from it. He will be doing what his 19 year old tells him to, and I'll be much further down the list

[Only1scoop]

'Too weak'
Why would you want him in your life then?

[Hillfarmer]

It's not metaphorical - nothing so romantic, it's just laziness. He's too cowardly to properly move out because he would then actually be confronting himself - as well as you -with what a passive aggressive coward he totally is! Don't make allowances or excuses. He's been an A Grade tosser and your default response is to let him off the hook or 're-interpret' it. Just don't stand for it any more. Refuse to see this as nothing other than what it really is - he is wimping out of your 5 year relationship and somehow thinking you won't notice he's a total skunk.

Go on - give him some shit! What have you got to lose? Give yourself a great big Christmas present and give him a great big kick up the backside, before he wriggles out of everything.

This is a classic passive aggressive chucking btw - he'll pretend that you are acting in a totally shocking out-of-the-blue way, when really his actions/inaction has left you with no other choice. The he enjoys the 'I don't know what happened, she just went mad and dumped me' feeling. Let him get on with it. He knows he's a morally bankrupt coward.

Are you at all riled yet OP? You sound lovely btw. Far too nice. I have done this too and it feels horrible, but I wish I'd given him the proper boot rather than being dumped by default. Good luck.

[Cricrichan]

He's free now to do as he promises. If he doesn't want to then there's your answer. It's shit and I'd feel very used.

[happychristmaspoobum]

So sorry, it does sound like you have outlived your usefulness

Make plans for you and DD to have a lovely Christmas and then focus on a fresh start in 2017.

[Helloooooitsme]

Well with the house situation and no Christmas plans I think it sounds like he couldn't care less. I would call it a day.

[Norky1975]

Huge showdown on the phone just now. I got upset and angry - he said "you always knew this was going to happen" meaning the house - expects me to trail halfway across the city to his when he knows I'm struggling financially - said he hasn't made plans for Christmas and that he had to go as he's going to his work do tonight. I said "have a fucking lovely time. Fuck off "

[happychristmaspoobum]

I would text him telling him his stuff is in bin bags outside and he can collect it whenever. Then block him.

Nothing, seriously, nothing will hurt him more now than you ignoring him and refusing to engage.

You deserve better than the pathetic crumbs he has to offer.

[43percentburnt]

When he was unofficially living at yours was he paying half the rent, bills, food etc?

Or was he freeloading whilst paying the marital home mortgage?

If it's the latter - I think his actions are quite clear - he feels you served your purpose (enabling him to keep the mortgaged house whilst having a cheap roof over his head).

[Norky1975]

I'm packing his stuff up now. Im fuming

[Hillfarmer]

Well done OP. Fuming is the reasonable, healthy person's response.