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How can I stop obsessing about my break up and ex.

(16 Posts)
Anonymoususer1938 Fri 16-Dec-16 16:43:16

I don't really want relationship advice as I'm no longer in one. What I'm rather annoyingly doing a lot of is obsessing over my break up and my ex. We broke up a couple of months ago after a good few years together. It's always been an on and off relationship, with my partner breaking up with me a number of times. The most recent break up followed a month of silent treatment over something I said (which I did apologise for shortly after). I left them to it after the apology and when they did get back in touch we ended up having a text row where I spoke my mind and received a lot of nasty verbal abuse for my troubles. I told them where to go in no uncertain terms after that and I haven't spoken to them since and don't intend to either as I can still remember some of the things that were said, as well as the numerous silent treatments and break ups over the years, which I think were all simply because they have never been that into me.
So I don't need closure....I said all I had to say in text row.
I am not going to contact them either.
And yet........I can't stop thinking of the whole thing. It just seems to be my default setting at the moment to think of my ex and the break up.
I don't want to think about it....but try telling my brain that.
Is this normal? I wonder whether the nature of the relationship (being off and on) makes one ruminate over it even more? I've done the same thing after every previous break up, maybe because they have all seemed so odd and hard to work out.
I'm trying to do all the right things to move on, though I do wonder if visiting this forum (as well as others) keeps me anchored in it.
Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

GerardNoWay Fri 16-Dec-16 16:50:28

I don't think it's uncommon to do this. I will often replay arguments/rows over in my head, thinking of things I should have said and different ways I could have reacted.

When all is said and done, it's over. You just need to give it time. Try to distract yourself when you find yourself ruminating over it. Time will make it shrink and be less of something you think about.

requiring Fri 16-Dec-16 16:55:30

I'm in the exact same place! We only broke up once... I understand why it happened (mostly)... but I am literally spending 90% of my waking hours thinking about it. Regrets, what ifs, feeling sad and missing him. I did the exact same thing when I broke up with my last ex, and the one before that. Sometimes things don't feel clear cut and you can't help but dwell and try to make it clear in your head. Although I am in the midst of it right now, I find it comforting to think of my last break up... I just woke up one day and suddenly everything was just CLEAR to me. And that was it. No more dwelling - it literally just stopped. So I am just hoping that moment of clarity comes for both of us soon.

requiring Fri 16-Dec-16 16:58:08

And like you I am in two minds about this forum. It's addictive combing over the posts and looking for things that echo your situation in other people's threads, and clinging on to advice that seems to reinforce the idea that the break up was right. I don't think it's unhealthy - it's just a coping mechanism. I think you have to give yourself permission to do whatever makes you feel temporarily better at this stage (within reason!)

jeaux90 Fri 16-Dec-16 19:24:27

The problem is that dwelling and obsessing doesn't change anything. It's retrospective. Part of me though wonders if it helps process the pain. I'm not sure.
When I did find myself in this situation I allowed myself to feel the pain but didn't like the fact my mind was 90% of the time dwelling on it so I read "the power of now" it stopped the dwelling and obsessing and was a massive relief.

MrsBertBibby Fri 16-Dec-16 19:29:56

2 months isn't that long, and there's a lot to process. It might help to write your thoughts about it down, I've found that can give a bit more finality to things, and lets me move forward, rather than circling back.

Anonymoususer1938 Fri 16-Dec-16 19:32:58

I wonder if it's because the nature of the relationship....off and on...makes it harder to accept that it's over? This person has always got in touch with me after breaking up with me, usually months later, so it never really feels 'over' of that makes sense? Plus I do still have feelings for them in spite of everything.

Anonymoususer1938 Fri 16-Dec-16 19:34:17

Sorry, meant to write 'if' that makes sense.

Summerlovinf Fri 16-Dec-16 19:56:33

Texting is probably a pretty unsatisfying medium for a final conversation so that won't help. It's not unusual to replay aspects of the end of the relationship but if it's out of hand try therapy. Mindfulness exercises or scheduled worry time would help you manage the ruminating.

PopeMortificado Fri 16-Dec-16 20:14:26

This person has always got in touch with me after breaking up with me, usually months later, so it never really feels 'over' of that makes sense?

Was this person a narcissist do you think? This is a common pattern for narcissists; they "train" their victims to expect them back - usually just a bit longer each time so that the victim is so happy to see them, they don't question whatever horrific behaviour had preceded the break up (silent treatment, verbal abuse, infidelity etc).

May not apply to your situation - but it is a common symptom.

And yes this makes it harder to get over every time because it is a total mind f*ck.

Anonymoususer1938 Sat 17-Dec-16 10:29:58

I know it's not helpful but I do constantly think about whether my ex is dating or with someone else. I even take the odd peak on dating sites to see if they are. Unhealthy I know. I've had a few dates myself but don't really feel in the right headspace.

WynterBlossom Sat 17-Dec-16 15:44:15

You've literally just wrote everything that reminds me of me!

I had an on off relationship, it's off now but because of the instability, even now 4 weeks later I still wonder "will he come back?" I spend my days obsessing about him.

Made the mistake looking on his Facebook and seeing a "new" friend!

He's back online dating however I am constantly wondering possible even hoping he'll wake up one day and think "shit, I miss her" and come back!

Like you, I try and focus on a previous relationship which I am now fully over & think, well I managed to wake up one day and everything to do with that person stop so I'm positive that it'll be the same this time round.

vonny81 Sat 17-Dec-16 22:55:10

I'll put my hand up and say I belong to this group as well! We have had some major rows and every time I go through this same ordeal, thinking this is it this time. Although I actually think it is it now lol. He's taking me to court he's saying I've not let him see our son, which is an outright lie!
I miss him so much, I've broken my silence and questioning who his new Facebook friend is and I just want to cry. I can't imagine my life without him someone to wrap their arms round me and feel safe. Trying to concentrate on all the bad stuff and when he used to scare me to death!
My heart does a flip flip every time I think about anything related then I'll have a dream everything is fine. And then I wake up and boom!!
Hope it ends for us soon, I hate myself for loving him so much

WynterBlossom Sat 17-Dec-16 23:48:09

Everything you feel is natural & normal....although you may feel when you cry that you are taking steps back, you aren't.....it's all a part of the healing process

Anonymoususer1938 Sun 18-Dec-16 12:16:52

I don't even think Einstein gave as much thought to splitting the atom as I do to my absurd on and off relationship.

vonny81 Sun 18-Dec-16 12:31:46

Haha, me too, the minute I think I'm doing fine I end up crashing down again and texting him
I hate myself for having no willpower or self respect

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