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Protecting my child

(4 Posts)
Zaspbar Fri 16-Dec-16 16:08:39

Hi all, I wonder if anybody is in a similar boat.
My baby is due next year and naturally I've been thinking about his life with the people in it.
My Father past away and my Mother is not a good influence. She offered us drugs and cigarettes from the age of 7, left my siblings and I on our own constantly with no electricity (we were on a meter) or food. ( I would eat bran flakes for dinner. I was rushed critically ill to hospital and she couldn't be bothered to come and collect me after two weeks in hospital - no visits( I was 11)
I left home as soon as I could at 16 (so did my siblings) and spent a year on a friends sofa and then moved in illegally into my boyfriends room at university. I worked and put myself through college, my parents didn't care if I was dead or alive. Fast forward to today I have had a successful career and a loving husband and moved far away from where I was dragged up.

No one knows of my past and I do not talk about it openly as I'm embarrassed by it. I also feel great guilt as people have lost their Mums and Dads and here I am complaining. But the truth is my mother carried me and gave birth to me but neglected me and my siblings who both suffer from depression and drug abuse as a direct result of growing up in an awful environment . My mums Mother did the same to her so I guess she knows no difference , which is sad.
I talk very occasional on the phone to my mother who often talks either about sex (with strangers off the internet) or ending her life. She has done this since I was a child, but I feel some sense of responsibility, I'm not sure why. I just want to shield my child from all of this. What can I do? I've accepted I will never have a loving Mother but I do not want her negativity to impact my sons life. Any advice welcomed xx

hellsbellsmelons Fri 16-Dec-16 16:18:45

No contact!
It's hard but it's what you need to do.
She brings absolutely nothing positive to your life.
She certainly won't with your DC either.
Why do you feel guilt?
Please google FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)
It is your DMum who should feel guilty, but she doesn't, so why should you.

I have no idea why you say as I'm embarrassed by it
You were neglected and abused from a very young age.
You've overcome everything.
Made a great life for yourself and now have a family of your own.
You have a lot to be very very PROUD of!!!
Do not be embarrassed by this. You've done wonders with your life.
Time to start bragging about how wonderful you are to have overcome such an awful start in life!

Cut your toxic mother out though.
She'll only keep bringing you down.

donners312 Fri 16-Dec-16 16:22:46

totally agree you should be PROUD!!!

I feel sorry for you your Mum but she wasn't there for you when you needed her and i don't see why you should feel obliged to bother with her now?

Don't let her bring you or your family down. and definitely don't feel guilty.

Zaspbar Fri 16-Dec-16 17:02:37

Thank you both for your messages and wonderful of advice.
I have looked up FOG. I would say I certainly suffer from that. My mother is a damaged person and she will never changed and a councillor I had a few years ago explained that to me.
On a human level I find it hard to know there is someone alone, and abusing there self. I worry for when she is 80 and stuck in a nursing home as she has no friends nor family.
This is how some people end up alone. It makes my heart bleed and I get torn.
My Dad left my mum when I was 5 due to her behaviour and he was distant but I loved him. He told me never to do anything for my Mother and she was selfish and incapable of love.
I'm jealous (not in a spiteful way) of my husbands Mums love for him and her children. Even friends who Who have the support of a mother, it's so beautiful to witness but something I've never had.
I've got friends but I am very guarded with my past. To be honest I wouldn't want to burden anyone with my past, I also would feel very judged by it. Lots of my friends are old school and very religious and I feel there are some things that are off topic as they would feel very uncomfortable with even the mention of drug/alcohol abuse . I only share this with my husband and siblings( 30 years on they both find it hard to cope emtiontionally and come to me for support).

Writing this down has helped a lot, thank you for reading and writing. I'm very empathetic to other people as if you met me you would never know in a million years my background. But without it I would of not met my dear husband and be carrying our precious child.

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