What's the best way to explain to a 12 year old that we're going to be moving out of the family home because her dad is a selfish lazy useless fuckwit?

[FranklyMeDeer]

Just that really.

I've reached the end of the road with dh. I'm not his mother, or his housekeeper, I'm sick of his lazy selfish entitled crap.

2 kids, eldest is 12. I know that the given phrase on here is that we love her and her sister but not each other and we'll be happier apart, but she'll need more than that to understand why I can't keep forgiving him and carrying on being a doormat. I don't want to paint her dad in a bad light to her but I can't absorb his selfishness any more. Any suggestions as to how to phrase it? Thanks.

[AnyFucker]

She will have witnessed his behaviour. She knows. I would say he is still her dad but you cannot have a loving relationship with a man like this so you are ending it

And please make it stay ended.

[CocoaX]

She is 12. What you role model is important for her future. You do not want her to grow up thinking women should put up with shit. I would keep it brief.

'I have tried my very best, but I can no longer accept his behaviour and do everything. My feelings and decisions should not affect your relationship with your dad and I will do my best to support you through these changes'

Make sure she has someone independent she can talk to (counsellor or guidance teacher) about her feelings.

Why are you and DC moving out?

[CocoaX]

And not him, I mean?

[happychristmaspoobum]

Agree with cocoa why are you moving? Unless you have had sound legal advice to do so I would have thought you should be staying put as the needs of the children come first.

[FranklyMeDeer]

It's because it's affecting her directly now that I'm finally ready to go. He can't even manage to be a decent adult for her sake. I hope I can find the strength. I've tried before and caved in and let him back.

I feel so lonely, he's pushed everyone away, I won't stop being lonely until I'm not with him any more. I need to keep my resolve.

Couldn't be a worse time of year though could it? Also had a recent bereavement. That's part of the trigger to go, he couldn't step up and be a decent person and support me. I'm tired of being let down by him.

[happychristmaspoobum]

No frankly we mean why are you leaving the home, not why are you leaving the bastard

[FranklyMeDeer]

I'm leaving because

I can't afford to live in the house on my own even with maintenance.

It's too big for me to manage anyway, especially the garden. This has always been a problem, he doesn't pull his weight and I can't do it all by myself.

I threw him out earlier this year. He spent a fortune on hotels, made no effort to find anywhere permanent, and bombarded me with veiled suicide threats about then misery of living out of hotel rooms. He'd come into our house and refuse to leave, asking to talk but then being deeply unpleasant.

I need a clean break. My own place, my own stuff around me, no constant reminders of what might have been if he hadn't been such a dick.

[AnyFucker]

This is what I mean. The going/the coming back. The ending it/ the caving in.

Your daughter needs a clear message that this is not a healthy relationship. So far, she is getting mixed messages.

If you are not going to keep it ended, you are confusing her further. Don't do anything, or tell her anything, if you are not going to follow through.

Clear messages have much less emotional fall out for children than them living in a constant state of uncertainty. She needs to know you mean what you say. She already knows her father doesn't.

[CocoaX]

Okay, I am sorry for the confusion. A clean break is a good idea. Sounds like you have tried everything else, not doubting that.

I am sorry for your bereavement too .

It is not a bad time of year for new starts. Let 2017 be the year you start to put yourself first. This will benefit DC.

[FranklyMeDeer]

Thank you. I won't put either of my kids through the same again, it's unfair and confusing. I need to make sure that all conversations with dh have been had, that I have a plan in place and a house secured, before I say anything. But the one thing that's been playing on my mind, had been how to explain to dd1.

I've found a house, I think (pending usual landlord gubbins) which will be available in February. Just need to hang on until then.

[May50]

Good luck - I'm in the same situation as you MeDeer, but my DP moved out 2 months ago (for same reason as you, I just came to the end of my tether frankly - I was mother/housekeeper too), my DC's much younger so at the moment 'Daddy is working away' which is fine, and then phones regularly / visits at weekend. But I want us to sit down and talk things through so DC can be told the truth, I don't like this lie/half-truth currently. However I'm hoping as it is all going fine at the moment that DC will accept this now as the ongoing and to be honest it will just become the norm.