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Try 'divorce' and see if I like it?

(9 Posts)
itneverends2 Fri 16-Dec-16 08:44:25

If I want to see if being divorced is better than being married, would that be a 'trial separation'?

I'm so utterly exhausted and fed up with my situation that I want out. I have previously considered suicide but at the moment I'm mentally well so can see that I should aim to make other changes.

He is not physically, emotionally or financially abusive, he's actually a gentle, funny man. His emotions can be a bit distant but he's generous when he thinks about it (rare) and is never knowingly unkind.

But his job means he's always on his phone, out of the house 11-12 hours per day plus some travelling and evenings. I can't really rely on him for anything as a work emergency will come up and I'll have to make other arrangements anyway. We relocated abroad for this promotion so I have a diminished support network. We have some paid help but they are unreliable and managing all of that and all child related stuff, planning for holidays etc falls to me. And I work 3 days per week. Now Xmas is upon us and that is of course also on my to do list - and there is so much left to do. I have complained about this previously and threatened to not do it all and have been painted as the grinch.

I'm so exhausted and miserable. It's making my parenting poor (I'm shouting, I feel resentful and I can't think clearly). I can't even talk it through as I've ground myself into the ground so much I'm ill - laryngitis and full of cold so I can't even speak to discuss it.

I just keep thinking how much worse can being on my own be? Assuming he does want to see his kids (he is a loving dad) then I instantly get 50% of all weekends and holidays off and i no longer have to factor husband into the equation when I'm juggling jobs and responsibilities.

Financially I could get more hours at work but would need him to cover school fees and childcare costs (he could afford this). I'd definitely be working harder with jobs and home and my work so is my miserable status quo better? I think I need a change to find out. So is a trial separation what I'm looking for?

intravenouscoffee Fri 16-Dec-16 08:57:16

This is an awful situation. You have my sympathies, my DH works antisocial hours and like you I worked out that if we separated and had shared custody I would have much more time and less stress.

I read 'Chained to the desk' which is a book about workaholism and fits my DH completely. We've also talked about it a lot and I was brutally honest about the toll it was taking on our family life. It's early days but we are slowly making progress.

I'm not sure if that's helpful - it could be that your relationship has completely broken down. But from your OP I get the impression that if his work hours were manageable then you.might be able to salvage a relationship. I think he needs to know exactly how close to the brink you are. At the moment you are enabling his behaviour and making yourself ill in the process which is not sustainable. He needs to step back from work and step up to being a husband and father. It's your choice how you spell that out to him.

itneverends2 Fri 16-Dec-16 14:17:01

The kids broke up from school 3 hours ago. I'm already losing the plot. I've barracaded myself into the study to try to get my work done. The kids periodically turn up moaning or crying or complaining or reporting of the latest thing they've broken since I last clapped eyes on them. I can't shout or tell them off as I have no voice.

Somerville Fri 16-Dec-16 14:23:19

Well it sounds like you need to make some kind of change. I think only you know, deep down, whether that change should be a trial separation. It doesn't sound like the worst idea in the world - your H will discover that he can't be a good parent and work 12 hour days, year round.

Do you have the time and emotional capital to make all the practical changes that you'll need in order to separate though? Finding a place to rent or persuading him to move out is the first.

Also I suppose you need to consider that you might decide after a trial separation that you would rather return to the marriage, and he might feel differently?

It does sound like you mental health situation is deteriorating - would a trip back to the UK for R&R with relatives work? Or taking the kids to some all inclusive resort someplace, with kids clubs?

itneverends2 Wed 21-Dec-16 10:17:31

Well I've been having a consistent run of 4 hours sleep per night as I stay up wrapping presents/preparing for Xmas then waking early with my cough/cold.

I'm starting to get irrationally afraid of the Xmas market lorry attack and I've just found out an ex-boyfriend of 20 years ago is dead. Died 2 years ago and I didn't even know. He was so loving compared to husband I just feel so messed up by all of it.

Today is another day of no childcare so ignoring the children whilst I work. The eldest is obese and I'm sick to death of saying no to her food requests. I am so so miserable and husband thinks I just need to get through all of this then request extra time off work in the new year to recover WTF?!!!

A 'break' to the UK would not be relaxing, my parents and their issues stress me out. I haven't got the strength to help myself anymore and I just hate all of it.

Helloooooitsme Wed 21-Dec-16 10:29:37

I wouldn't separate on the basis that you will have more time if you split up. If he works so much how could he do 50:50?

My exh only had the dc on a Sunday day after he left and now contact has dwindled to nothing. I eventually had to give up work as juggling childcare became too stressful.

If you think your marriage is over that's different and a trial separation will give you a taste of what it would be like to end the relationship completely.

MissSueFlay Wed 21-Dec-16 10:51:50

You say that you relocated abroad with your husband's promotion, so that is something you both prioritised at that time. I can't actually believe I'm about to type this, but could it be that you are actually trying to cover too much yourself with working, running the home with little assistance & input, and being there for your DC? Instead of chucking in your DH, maybe chuck in your job for a time (if you can afford it) and see if things improve - there will be less pressure on you and you may find you don't mind your DH's unavailability quite as much.
I am very pro-working parents (being one myself!), but I also know that sometimes things are just that bit easier when only one of you is working... You sound frazzled, at the end of your tether. I'm certainly not suggesting that you quit working because you're the woman, more because you both seem to have made the decision to follow your DH's promotion. Not working and investing that time and headspace into your family might be a less drastic step than divorce at this point? Maybe do it for 6 months and review?

Helloooooitsme Wed 21-Dec-16 11:33:53

Yes I was going to suggest setting up things differently for a while re your jobs and childcare and see if that helps. If you separate you say you will be working more hours. Is that likely to help?

Cricrichan Wed 21-Dec-16 12:14:05

Maybe look at working more hours yourself but getting more domestic/childcare help? Giving up work will just make you feel more out of control I think. If you separate or divorce it may not be 50/50.

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