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Any encouraging words from people who've made their marriage better after an affair?

(11 Posts)
Mrsavocado Thu 15-Dec-16 23:15:43

I've ended an affair relatively recently. I love my husband as a person but I got so connected to and involved with the other guy that the thought of having sex with my husband is not a good one. We aren't able to do any sex therapy at the moment and I can't think how to proceed. I just feel like I've moved on from the relationship me and dh had before the affair, and don't want to return to that - but I've got no enthusiasm for starting a new kind of love affair with my husband either. I know the exciting fancying-type love can return I just don't know how to stimulate it.

We've sorted out the root causes of why I had the affair and dh knows about some of it. Just not how hung up I still am about the other guy.

dontknowwhatcomesnext Fri 16-Dec-16 11:39:47

Counselling, commitment and love. It can happen. It took my husband and me 15 months apart, individual counselling for both and marriage counselling for the two of us. If you are not up for some HARD work on yourself and your marriage, the kindest thing is to either take a break until you are, or let your poor husband go and stop torturing both of you. It's not sex therapy you need; it is the other kind. Sex comes WAY down the line. Don't try to put the cart before the horse. You may think you understand the root causes of the affair now, but without a lot of hard work, frankly, you may still have no clue. It is no exaggeration to say that it took my husband about 9 months with a therapist before he really understood what had been going on (here's a hint: about 90% of what he told himself was wrong with our marriage was pretty much all about him and what HE was putting in the relationship) and we could begin to talk together in reality rather than the construct he had put in place before and during his affair. Anyone can stay married after an affair, but I am so, so skeptical that the marriage can be better without some space, real consequences for spouse that had the affair and a boatload of work, almost certainly with a therapist. Best of luck to you and your husband.

eastpregnant Fri 16-Dec-16 11:42:27

I haven't been in your situation but it really just doesn't sound like you want to be with your husband anymore sad Are you willing to share why you've decided not to split up?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 16-Dec-16 13:40:22

While you are still 'hung up on the other guy' you won't be able to sort this out.
From your post, it sounds like, you actually don't want to.
So why are you?
For the kids?
What you are doing and have done to your DH are awful.
He thinks you are working things out and you are still fixated on the OM.
Until you can get past that I suggest you leave your DH and let him get on with his life with the truth!

Therightplace9 Fri 16-Dec-16 13:47:12

something can only be better if it wasn't good in the first place generally. Until you address that you won't get anywhere. It's a long road ahead.

Why do you want it to work.

IrianOfW Fri 16-Dec-16 14:13:27

Does H know?

AnyFucker Fri 16-Dec-16 15:49:51

The OM dumped you, right ?

Summerlovinf Fri 16-Dec-16 19:49:03

I'd encourage you to 'do one' if you were my partner

Mrsavocado Sun 18-Dec-16 19:19:21

Thanks all. This is useful, bracing and helpful.

It's always difficult to know what to put at the start of the thread and I may have been too brief. I completely agree about the need for therapy and both my husband and I have been in individual therapy for a while and talking about what happened a lot. I accept that the way I have approached my marriage has been a big part of previous problems and it's me who needs to learn and change. The broader problem was also that we had some years of health issues - before and during having our DC. quite specific ones that I don't want to say because it's outing - and we both did things we regretted. Mine was having an affair. His was other things. Yes DH knows about the affair. As I say the only thing he doesn't know is that even though I want to be married to DH, specifically(and only) sexually, i despair of being able to build something as good as I had with the other chap. This is purely because we clicked sexually in a way DH and I did not do, even when we were younger and starting out.

Why do I want to stay with DH? He's my best friend and understands me ultimately very well. We bring out the best in each other. We have 3 young children and to split up the family we both feel our relationship would have to be a great deal more damaged than it is!

The issue is that I'm at the point where I know I have to grit my teeth, keep deliberately forgetting other bloke, swerve away from any reminder and try and build something again with DH. But it's got to be better and more intimate than before - otherwise not fair to him or me - and I'm just very tired. It feels like something we will both be pleased if we do, not like something we both want to do, iyswim
.
I'm sure we can do it - I'd love to have therapy together so someone can help us discuss it without hurting each other. It's not really about OM in fact. It's about DH and me. But we can't do the therapy right now so it's hard to keep positive as i dont think i have the tools to fix it. And the onus is on me to fix it.

anyfucker ha! I can see why my op read like I'd been dumped. It's almost worse...I dumped him but that means there's no closure. I know if I called him he'd be there. That feels an increasingly unappetizing prospect though...so im hanging in there.

summerlovin - and my DH has that option. But neither of us feel like that would be the right thing. I'm posting because I want to improve things, not showing off about deceiving him. If I could desire him just by wanting to, believe me I'd do it.

Mrsavocado Sun 18-Dec-16 19:22:00

I am actually going to name change and not return to the thread now. I don't want dh to accidentally see. Thanks in advance for any more help, I'll be looking.

AnyFucker Sun 18-Dec-16 21:19:57

Op, you should leave your husband. You cannot force a sexual attraction. It is either there or it is not. No amount of therapy can conjure it up out of nowhere. Imagine him seeing your "grit your teeth" comment. If I thought anyone had to grit their teeth to stay with me I would send them on their way with my blessing. You are not bring truthful with him so it will never work.

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