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Feeling guilty about breaking someones heart

(17 Posts)
louisejanep Thu 15-Dec-16 22:33:01

Ive been with my partner one and have a one and half year old DD. Thing is he has been emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulating and has basically given me a life of hell.i wasent allowed a fb account in case any guys tried to talk to me, i wasent allowed to any pubs. I had to basically live like a recluse im 27 now and feel like lost the majority of my 20s too scared to offend him. He told me to.leave him 2 months ago.becuaee he wasent earning enouhh money and couldnt financially support me and baby. I was devastated and come to live at my mums.

Since ive been here i feel so relaxrd and not on tenterhooks i feel happy and not nervous. So i told jim yday i want to break up with him completley. And now i feel absolutley awful. Ive never seen him upset and he has cried and cried all day and said he woild go to a doctor and a counsellor and sort his insecurities out. Thig is i cant see him massivley changing. I am really shocked how much better i feel on my own. Hes told me his heart is shattered into loads of places, he wanted to marry me abd he is not going to take no for an answer and keep fighting for me.

I feel so so guilty ive done this to him and i dont know what to say or do.

Redhound Thu 15-Dec-16 23:13:52

You are feeling guilty because you are a kind person. He does not deserve your kindness as he is an a*sehole. He hasn't got 'insecurities' he is abusive because he wants to be. These men dont change. I felt awful when I left my abusive ex as he did the crying and pleading thing too big style. But he hadnt changed in 15 years and he had ruined the relationship long ago, too badly to salvage. None of it is your fault to feel guilty about anyway -HE CAUSED IT.
You know you did the right thing as you feel so much better now. Dont go back whatever you do he will never change. Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book? That is what opened my eyes to what was going on. Stay strong GOOD LUCK x

WellErrr Thu 15-Dec-16 23:15:52

Don't feel guilty.

It's not your fault he's a controlling, abusive arsehole. And it's not your problem to fix.

Stay strong.

Dontaskmegoogleit Thu 15-Dec-16 23:25:08

Did he feel guilty when he was abusive , controlling, manipulative and stopped you having any social interaction ? Nope I don't think so

louisejanep Thu 15-Dec-16 23:38:32

Thank you for the advice just need outsiders to reaffirm im not making a mistake and doing right thing. im going to check that book out.

jeaux90 Thu 15-Dec-16 23:48:18

And I just want to say well done for being strong and leaving. They don't change. Ever. Big hug xxx

baconandeggies Thu 15-Dec-16 23:49:51

"he is not going to take no for an answer"

He'll have to when he gets charged for harassment!

TheNaze73 Fri 16-Dec-16 10:11:00

He's a twat. You should walk away, guilt free

Olympiathequeen Fri 16-Dec-16 10:15:50

He will never change, no matter what he says and even if he tried it wouldn't last.

Think of your DD growing up in a house full of tension and anxiety and how much better you feel away from him and stick to your guns

lasttimeround Fri 16-Dec-16 10:20:42

Break it quick break it clean. The rest isn't your issue

Also if he's an arse why feel bad?

debbs77 Fri 16-Dec-16 14:45:27

Believe me, he won't change. And even when you think he has, something will happen and it'll all come spilling out of him again xx

Gingerbreadmam Fri 16-Dec-16 14:52:02

Im in a relationship very similar to this with lots of mind games etc and keep imagining his devastation if i leave. Its awful it really is but uv already left so your in a good position.

Do it. Enjoy your life. You and dd deserve to be happy.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 16-Dec-16 15:01:56

Crying = massive manipulation!
Won't take no for an answer - yep, that just about sums him up.
If he harasses you make sure you call 101 and involve the police.

Now you are away from him and have some support please contact Womens Aid.
You have been in a very abusive, controlling relationship from such a young age and you will need help and support from people who understand how to help you through this.
Call them on 0808 2000 247.
They can help you understand what has happened.
You can also take part in their Freedom Programme to ensure you avoid abusive partners in the future.
It will help your self-esteem, help you set your own boundaries and form better relationships in the future.

Please do not get reeled back in with this abusive dick-head.
You and your DC deserve far better and you will find it when you are good and ready.

Don't feel guilty.
He didn't feel guilty when he was isolating you. Not allowing you to go out. Making you do things you didn't want to do.
This is all HIS doing.
And if he wants to try to fix himself, then he can.
But with any abuser programme he has to be away from his 'victim' for the duration of the course/programme/counselling.
And it should take a good year to complete.
So you need to keep away from him anyway.
But, he won't do that.
He'll move onto his next victim when he realises he's flogging a dead horse with you.

Well done for getting away and ending things.
It's gonna be hard in the short-term - with emotional manipulation, sob stories, suicide threats (yes they all do it and no, they never follow through with it), charm, anger.....

You might also benefit from reading the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that? It will help you see him for what he is and show you that they rarely change. It will also help you spot 'red flags' far sooner in future relationships.

Gallavich Fri 16-Dec-16 15:09:43

You've done so amazingly well by getting away, don't ruin it by going back. Of course he won't change and you are allowed to be happy and to end a relationship if you want to. It's not his decision.

louisejanep Fri 16-Dec-16 23:28:35

Thank you for the comments.

DancingDinosaur Fri 16-Dec-16 23:31:27

Oh op, you did the right thing, don't feel bad, it doesn't sound like he will change. You don't want to live like that again.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly Sun 18-Dec-16 09:06:54

I've been in this exact situation. All I can say is that this is just another form of manipulation and control. If you go back, things will return to as they were. Be strong and look forward. After years of abuse I'm now with someone who is just a nice, normal person. To be honest I was happy on my own before I met him anyway. Whatever the future holds your life will be better than it is now.

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