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Have become a loner - lacking confidence?(9 Posts)
I am finding Christmas difficult. I am estranged from both my parents now for the past few years - long and complicated but basically they were fairly abusive in one way or another. I am a SAHM and until recently had very few hobbies. Then I found writing and found that I really enjoyed it. I am writing a novel and working on a website project for charity.
I have a dd who is 3 and due to start pre-school. I have just realised that one of my forms of contact was with other mums at these stay and play type groups. These have been hideous tbh, I have not clicked with anyone and they tend to heighten my feelings of aloneness and I am relieved that I will only now attend one during the week. Added to that little dd is really boisterous and especially when tired tends to push or snatch and I end up apologising the who time or being the diplomat. I have one good friend whose company I enjoy and another friend I would like to see more of but that is about it. I seem to have become immersed in my writing projects and don't have much enthusiasm to get out there and mingle. I was going to start some voluntary work but have put that off - I think I am afraid that isn't going to work out either. I just feel I struggle to fit. When I see school mums I feel I don't have much to talk about (other than the dc's) because they don't write and share my hobby. I have little to do with my elder dd's school for various reasons (she moves up to secondary school next year).
It's a really strange feeling. I feel like I am being left out of things but then not really wanting to be included or being really choosy about what I do.
Christmas has really brought it home to me. I haven't received many Christmas cards (O.K two to date). It probably sounds silly but that has affected my confidence too. I have even put blank cards up to cheer the house up a bit, although dd1 has been given quite a few. But is struck me what a loner I have become and not having much family too is really hitting hard, I feel I'm rubbish at forming and maintaining friendships. In fact I even want to move away from here now and live more rural so I don't have to put up with neighbours, (who are really lovely) I just seem to get agitated by people (apart from my best friend). I should say I am taking mild ad's following estrangements and a late mc. Probably should go on a higher dose. I do try to make an effort with people - ask them about themselves etc. but this is more about forming friendships for younger dd than for me. I think I've lost a lot of confidence. Can anyone relate?
I can relate somehow but I think if you are happy with the small group of people in your life then stick with that. Friendships shouldnt be forced nor should they be hardwork..
Work on yourself first then move on to being more sociable.
I am not much of a writer but I also have the loner gene. I was worried about not getting Christmas cards so decided to send a ton of them. I have had quite a few back and it reminded me that you sometimes have to 'go first'. Just because you are a natural loner you can't expect people to come to you all the time. Your idea of doing voluntary work is a good one as it will also give you more topics for conversations with other mums - you will find people tell you stories or share celebrity gossip that you can then pass on. That's all small talk has to be until things move to the level of friendship, but you have to work at the small talk stage first.
I'd rather have 2 proper real friends than 30 I nod smile and make small talk with
I can relate a little as in the past I have felt left out but also not wanted to be around people.
If suggest finding a writting group. There are more of them then you think. If not in RL them maybe an online one? It will give you a shared interest to build friendships on.
Be aware of something though. It sounds like perhaps you are misusing your hobby as a way of disassociating. A way to cut off from reality. I only say this because it is what my therapist felt I was doing when I went through a period of something similar.
I'm not saying you should stop but he mindful of how you use it as a hobby.
Perhaps you do lack confidence or you have just fallen out of the habbit of relationships.
You are not alone * monkeytree* as many people feel outsiders and feel that they are looking in on life instead of being part of it. I honestly don't think it is you. Your hobby seems facinating and as you are really interested in it, what about joining a writing circle. You will probably find details of one in your local library. Or you could start your own.
When I moved to yet another part of the country, due to my husband's job, I started a book club, because that is what interested me. I had no relatives anywhere near and felt quite isolated. I put an ad in a local free paper.
Write a list of your interests and find friends that have the same interests. You have a friend so you are not friendless. However to have friends you do need to be friendly. The saying ' you need to kiss a lot of frogs before a Prince comes along, also applies to friends.
I have recently acquired a friend who is like a sister to me. She says she has never had a friend ever. We have so much in common and we are quite old to have found one anothe. So don't despair.
You sound very interesting to me, so others will feel the same.
Hugs and have a nice Christmas
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I think what wings said; I may be using my hobby to disassociate. I find it so much easier to get lost in writing/my project than face the outside world I need to find a balance. I do find it pure escapism. Yes will be joining a writing group soon and have just finished a creative writing course which I really enjoyed. I think I will also pursue the voluntary work; office based so open to a bit of chat that way I can practice under the guise of working. I do make a good friend I think and yes better to have a couple of good friends than many acquaintances. This thing about not quite fitting with dd2 has got me down I think but I guess they are a random bunch of people that I just have not clicked with; wrong place, wrong time. Yes holeinmy heart I do feel like I'm looking in on life a bit but not really part of it, I guess since I left work to be a sahm. My writing and my project give me mental stimulation and are creative something I don't feel I have had chance to do before. I think I would find it hard being employed again because I have become such a maverick. Thank you so much for letting me bounce ideas. I love mumsnet, here I never feel totally alone but anonymous (again probably avoiding rl relationships) but hey ho I'll work on it x
Monkeytree I am glad you will be joining a writing circle soon. That is great news. Maybe if you find you are having to push yourself to interact with people you might find it easier if you think of it as inspiration for your writting. Tell yourself you are increasing your exposure to potential character types or snipers of conversation you wouldn't otherwise think of.
My brother once wisely noted that as soon as a person leaves their house they infinitely increase the possibilities of something interesting happening to them.
Maybe a middle ground is being around people but not specifically trying to get to know them? So rather than write at home, take to a cafe or library. You'll soon find people chat to you.
I can identify with this feeling also. I want to have the big friendship get togethers, but actually struggle to fit in the few friends I have because I can't be bothered! Doesn't make sense..the older I get the more tedious making friends becomes. I prefer the natural gelling rather than forced small talk. A mutual hobby or interest really does help.
Playground/toddler group Mums, I found, were not welcoming at all. Very cliquey..the writing groups sounds perfect
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