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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Did I do something wrong?

102 replies

MrsMcBoatface · 15/12/2016 14:04

Just had H on the phone, fuming because I bought a new Christmas tree stand when we had, he claims, a perfectly good one... I think it's ridiculous. I bought the tree, got it into the house and set up by myself and I thought it was a nice surprise. The tree stand I bought was easy to use whereas the old one was difficult. New stand didn't cost much (compared to the price of the tree) and we're not struggling for money. I've had a nasty phone call and two texts telling me that 1) I never listen to him 2) he's going to take the tree out of the new stand and put it in the old one. Evidently he'd got it out for me to use (left it on the front seat of his car, I didn't know).

I know this is a bit of a self indulgent rant, but I'm at work right now and feel like crying I think he's determined to spoil Christmas and I just don't want to deal with it.

OP posts:

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bookworm91 · 15/12/2016 14:09

hmm this sounds a bit controlling of him! Don't get why some men have problems with how women spend money. I would understand more if you were struggling for money. So no i dont think you have done anything wrong, sounds like you need to sit down and have a chat about whats acceptable to each other in how u spend your money.

Aedh · 15/12/2016 14:11

That doesn't sound right. He left the old stand in his car? Why did he bring it out to the car?
If you haven't any DC, I would be tempted to take down the tree and put everything away and leave it all to him. That includes shopping, wrapping, writing the cards, cooking.
I can be very childish and petty. Mainly petty though.

xStefx · 15/12/2016 14:16

No you didn't, what a sulky child he is. UI suggest you show him this post and tell him to grow up! Stand on the old one , break it and say "see , now we need a new one" :-)

MrsMcBoatface · 15/12/2016 14:24

Thanks, I've calmed down a bit! I did text him back, was annoyed with myself as I shouldn't have engaged with him, said I thought it was ridiculous. Bookworm, thanks for the reasonable approach! It is technically my money I've 'wasted' as I'm working and earning enough to indulge a bit.
Aedh, I'm tempted to be petty but I don't want to create an atmosphere.. We have 2 grown up Dcs and I was looking forward to some quality time over the holiday. But it almost seems he was spoiling for a fight.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 15/12/2016 14:24

Are you always in the wrong?

MrsMcBoatface · 15/12/2016 14:25

Lol Stef! I might just do that to put things in perspective

OP posts:

Stormtreader · 15/12/2016 14:27

I would throw the old one away, sorted.

MrsMcBoatface · 15/12/2016 16:09

He's really on the warpath. I just got this text from him: (sorry for all the f words)

'You heard me tell you before it's in my fucking car. Its fucking stupid to buy things over and over again. I'm totally upset you ignoring me and just love wasting money buying things again and again. I can't stand the waste. Its mental to buy one when you have one exactly the same actually better already. its plain dumb'

I really don't know how this is supposed to make me feel. We were happy about the tree this morning.

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Imethimonamonday · 15/12/2016 16:11

Bloody hell I dread to think what would happen if you bought a new star for the tree!!

Candlefairy101 · 15/12/2016 16:18

This is obviously not just about the tree stand,

have you been rowing about money recently or other things being brought?

My husband can bottle stuff up and then explode over something silly like 'the tree stand'.

Something else must be annoying him and the final straw was the tree stand.

Pickanameanyoldname · 15/12/2016 16:21

This can't all be just about a tree stand?!

Are you a bit of a hoarder?

Or one of those people that doesn't put things away properly so can't ever find them again and instead of looking properly goes and buys more .

MrsMcBoatface · 15/12/2016 16:31

Not a hoarder! But I can easily chuck something out then have to buy again. He is more of hoarder and gets upset if I throw things away but he never sorts things out. We've moved house, things are in various locations so I don't always know. I texted him this morning to ask if he knew where the lights were plus some other decorations which I liked as was going to our storage, I could have made him mad because of that?? But in any case, does it excuse that text?

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665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 15/12/2016 16:36

Dear Dh
I have taken note of your comment below
I can't stand the waste. Its mental to buy one when you have one exactly the same actually better already. its plain dumb
I have a vibrator and a wage
please leave as you are expensive and surplus to requirement
Mrs McBoatface

RatherBeRiding · 15/12/2016 16:39

So he never throws anything out, you DO throw things out but then have to buy them again, you've just moved house and sounds as though neither of you know where everything is.....sounds a bit like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other really.

Maybe you both need to address your hoarding/throwing out tendencies as maybe both of you are getting annoyed by the other?

JeepersMcoy · 15/12/2016 16:39

No it does not excuse the text. Nothing excuses the text. If he had a problem and was concerned about you spending money he should sit down with you and discuss the problems and agree budgets like a reasonable grown up in a relationship.

CockacidalManiac · 15/12/2016 16:43

He sounds like an arse.

noisewithdirton · 15/12/2016 16:43

Seems rather OTT, and maybe about something other than the tree stand. Surely life is too short?! Maybe he is stressed about something else and taking it out on you?

P1nkP0ppy · 15/12/2016 16:46

I'd reply 'So bloody what?'
He's a twat.

Joysmum · 15/12/2016 16:55

As others said, this is probably about more than the tree stand.

I too get annoyed at my DH not looking after what we have or not being able to find things because he doesn't put things back and then buying yet more when we don't need it.

Is this something that has been a feature of your relatuonship for years too? I've lost count of the amount of times I've raised it and feel ignored because nothing changes and he doesn't listen to me.

My DH now buys duplicates from his own money as I refuse to subsidise his mismanagement. It's not a problem so much now we are ok for money but it used to be when things were right and I was refusing to have a joint account because he's not great with money.

Even if He has a point, there's no way in earth I have ever, or would ever be that nasty to my DH. That's disgraceful.

Naicehamshop · 15/12/2016 17:05

Loving your post 665!

OP - he has no right to be so aggressive and unpleasant. If he has a problem he can sit down and talk to you pleasantly about it.

BarbarianMum · 15/12/2016 17:13

OP's husband seems to imply that this is a discussion they have had many times before. Hard to say who's in the wrong tbh - it would piss me off if dh wasted money on something we already had, esp something like a tree stand that gets used for about 3 weeks a year.

MrsMcBoatface · 15/12/2016 17:19

Thanks all...my point exactly... Was the 'really bad thing' that I did (debatable as my new treestand is a joy to use. I highly recommend a foot pedal tightener rather than fiddly screws!) deserving of such a harsh reaction. In fact it's been a whole day of texts after that angry call.
He's spoiling for a fight, isn't he. He might be angry for some other reason, we had a discussion this morning about something political and I didn't agree with him. Or it might have been because I asked him to look for the decorations. In any case I don't feel any warmth and good cheer.

OP posts:

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FetchezLaVache · 15/12/2016 17:23

Damn you, Boatface!! I bought a tree stand with fiddly screws on bloody Monday and now I am coveting a food pedal one.

MrsMcBoatface · 15/12/2016 17:23

OK barbarian. Maybe I'm wrong and he's right...trying to get a balanced view. Maybe I pushed him over the edge and he had to scream at me like that.

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BarbarianMum · 15/12/2016 17:24

His reaction does seem out of proportion. Does he usually "pick fights"? Have you repeatedly ignored him when it comes to replacing household goods? Does he have form for blowing up and sulking at Christmas/on your birthday?

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