Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My best friend is the OW

75 replies

Jellybean100 · 15/12/2016 12:47

He's married, 2 young children, feeds her a load of lies about how he will leave his wife. They've been seeing eachother for over a year.

I feel awkward any time she mentions his name and it's effecting our friendship even though i try so hard not to be judgemental.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Report

Newbrummie · 15/12/2016 13:01

I couldn't be friends with her

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2016 13:04

I think you need to be there for her, looks like she's going to get hurt and she's fallen for this guys lies. It's hard not to judge but she is your friend and what she's doing is not affecting you personally.

BitchQueen90 · 15/12/2016 13:11

Honestly. If it were me, I'd be having a word with the married man and telling him to either stop stringing my friend along and lying to his wife. I know it's a silly thing for your friend to do but she's probably caught up in it all and won't listen to anything you have to say or any advice.

Satisfactorylemon · 15/12/2016 13:14

Tell her that you'd rather not discuss him or talk about him.
Tell her what you really think..
Or distance yourself from her?

HarmlessChap · 15/12/2016 14:54

I don't think you have to approve of how a friend lives their life to be their friend and its OK to tell her that you don't approve.

You have no knowledge of the state of this man's relationship, a friend of mine is also the OW and "they" are intending moving in together in February next year when he plans to leave his current partner. In all honesty I expect him to make excuses but who knows I might be wrong. If I'm right she's going to need a lot of support from her friends.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/12/2016 15:25

Do you know the guy?
If so, I like a PPs idea of having a word with him.
Tell him to leave his wife or to end it with your friend.
And if he does neither, YOU will be telling his wife about his affair.
Job done!
Although I don't think I could do that.

But I would tell my friend that I don't approve and that any discussions in future will not be about him or his affair.
That you will continue to change the subject every time it comes up.

Jellybean100 · 15/12/2016 15:50

No I don't know him. I've often dreamt of telling his wife.
It's really effecting our friendship as she's become secretive and I feel she only tells me selective facts (or ends up telling me months after for example that actually she wasn't working the one weekend but instead was away with him or that the bracelet she bought herself she had as a gift from him). When we see eachother she's constantly texting him. I find I spend the majority of the time biting my tongue and trying to avoid any conversation about men, marriages, sex, relationships etc etc
It's frustrating. She's such a beautiful girl and she's wasting her time and going to end up hurt. I think if he was going to leave to be with her he would have done so by now.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 15/12/2016 15:53

I couldn't be friends with someone who was openly in a relationship with a married man I've been the partner who was betrayed and it was a horrible experience for me and my young child.

SoupDragon · 15/12/2016 15:55

I couldn't be friends with her either.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2016 15:57

You can't tell his wife. If you feel very strongly then end the relationship with her, but don't go barging in and ending their marriage. He retains that right, not you.

If you don't know him how do you know it's lies? You don't know what's going on in his marriage.

flapjackfairy · 15/12/2016 16:04

Whatever is going on in his marriage is no excuse imo. I wouldnt want to be friends with someone capable of this either

ivykaty44 · 15/12/2016 16:06

Tell her she is going to be lonely, tell her she will be alone at Xmas, birthdays and all public holidays. Tell her she will be no further forward this time next year. Tell her she will only find happiness by cutting contact compleptly. Tell her he us using her and if he wanted really wanted to be with her he would have by now no excuses.

Tell her you will either be there to pick up the pieces or if you can't let her kniw. Either be her friend or not

haveyourselfamerry · 15/12/2016 16:19

Does she know how you feel?

HotNatured · 15/12/2016 16:23

I find the being constantly on her phone when she's with you way more unforgivable than the cheating. How bloody rude. For that I would bin her. I wouldn't bin her for being an OW, that's her business, who am I to judge, I'm not perfect (although I don't text constantly when I'm with my best mates so for that I will judge her )

squaresnotcirles · 15/12/2016 16:28

Ask your friend why she does not want her own relationship but instead has chosen to be a bit on the side in someone else's.

DinosaursRoar · 15/12/2016 16:29

After a year, she knows deep down he's not going to leave his wife, men who are really ready to leave, do so. He's settled into this, and she has too. Some woman can't handle a proper relationship, so being the OW gives them the excuse not to have a real relationship that's going somewhere.

Distance yourself from her if you aren't enjoying her company anymore.

angstybaby · 15/12/2016 16:32

MY DH's friend was the OW (in fact, serial OW). it's meant that none of the men left their wives/gfs for her and she's now 40, finally found a nice single guy and can't get pregnant as she's wasted years on guys who weren't available. does your friend want kids? cos the guy she's with now already has them and might not want more. he's enjoying being child-free with her!

My DH warned his friend that the guys weren't going to leave their partners for her and that she might be leaving it too late for kids and she ignored him. they stayed friends though, i guess because she knew he had her best interests at heart and wasn't judging her.

i would walk away from the friendship though because i think what she's doing is wrong and i'm not sure i could look her in the eye, but that's me.

good luck

Ilovetorrentialrain · 15/12/2016 16:33

Agree with HotNatured the texting does sound rude. I know that's not the main point here but for that alone I'd be distancing myself.

lovelearning · 15/12/2016 16:33

she's constantly texting

Agree, HotNatured.

This woman has very bad manners.

LesisMiserable · 15/12/2016 16:35

Your friend is selfish, rude and sneaky. Why are you mates?

c3pu · 15/12/2016 16:36

Every time you see her, ask if he's left his wife yet. When she says no, ask her if she really thinks he's going to...

Bluetrews25 · 15/12/2016 16:37

Recommend she comes to MN and asks for help on the relationships board. She might wake up then.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

PacificDogwod · 15/12/2016 16:41

Be there for her when it all comes crashing down.

weeblueberry · 15/12/2016 16:42

I wouldn't bin her for being an OW, that's her business, who am I to judge, I'm not perfect

Fair enough but surely you base a friendship on a mutual respect for one another? Would you happily respect someone if they had such blatant disregard for someone else's relationship and their children?

BratFarrarsPony · 15/12/2016 16:42

why would she even think about breaking somebody else's family up?
it is so selfish and nasty.
I mean have a quick fling with a married if you want, but you cannot be waiting to destroy another family on the basis of it.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.