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Sorry, it's that old porn cliche again...

(66 Posts)
namechange102 Thu 15-Dec-16 12:11:55

Found out OH had looked at stuff years ago, was the first time I'd come up against this in a relationship and was pretty mad about it. He said he wouldn't look again. Surprise surprise. He did. A few times.

On this most recent occasion I've been able to see some of the stuff he's looked at, and although it's pretty tame really (no interaction as far as I am aware) I'm still pretty disgusted that he has spent his free time looking at this stuff, bookmarking some woman pleasuring herself with a sex toy (sorry, tmi) etc, and creating a folder to look at later. In the interests of not drip feeding, I think this is mostly while working away (most recently, though not always). I tried to change the way I thought of it by suggesting couples stuff but he's not shown any interest in that. It's all about him watching the naked 'ladies' hmm.

Don't flame me for trying to dictate what he watches, my issue is more trying to come to terms with his dishonesty and my disgust. He says every man does it, and doesn't think it's a big thing at all. Sometimes he just clicks links from his gaming community 'just out of interest'. I don't really understand that and he can't see why I'm offended by him looking at all these pretty young attention seekers who put this stuff out there. I've tried to explain and directed him to an online article about the effects of (solo) porn on relationships but he was very dismissive about it.

I'm not going to LTB over it, but are there any advice/research/articles anyone knows of that would help me come to terms with my disgust at his habits and dismissive attitude? He has said he won't look yet again, obviously I'm not convinced, which starts off a whole new argument that I don't trust him and just keep on attacking him. I don't, that's how he perceives it. I get angry every time I think about the situation now and it's keeping me up at night!

Sorry for the ramble, needed to vent!

SooDeNimm Thu 15-Dec-16 12:17:15

of course he'll look again. But maybe he'll get better at covering his tracks until the next time you catch him out and you're back here again...

Why should you have to come to terms with your disgust? it IS disgusting.

I don't know how you can find him attractive, knowing this about him.

TheNaze73 Thu 15-Dec-16 12:20:41

It's all about you. If him watching it or viewing is a big deal breaker for you, he should respect it. If he chooses not to, that's his look out & he'll know what he needs to do with your relationship.

Some people will see this as a deal breaker others would just laugh it off.

What's important though is what's right for you

Pickanameanyoldname Thu 15-Dec-16 12:23:29

The only advice that anyone can give to enable you to overcome your disgust at his porn use, and come to terms with his dismissive attitude, involves you eroding your own self esteem until you feel worthless.

Good luck with that.

Dakota1 Thu 15-Dec-16 12:25:39

If he is not respectful of your objections on a matter so simple, maybe he will be one something more serious.

namechange102 Thu 15-Dec-16 12:29:06

Tbh, at the moment I have very little respect for him for lying and continuing with his viewing when he was the one who decided he wouldn't watch it again.

I do believe that it dies down and he's got better at covering his tracks, I have really only stumbled across it by accident each time.

Naze, are you saying that if he doesn't think he can stop watching or doesn't want to stop watching, you think he should leave?? That's not really what I want, do you think he would see it like that? He's a pretty good husband and father apart from this (and the usual petty crap), which is why I was looking for a way to make my own peace with it as far as possible.

namechange102 Thu 15-Dec-16 12:31:13

Dakota, sorry, not sure what you meant by that?

Chops2016 Thu 15-Dec-16 12:39:02

I have never been comfortable with the idea of my DP looking at porn, and have always made sure to tell potential partners this early on so we can go our own separate ways if it's going to be an issue. I had a long (10 year), very painful and damaging relationship with a "man" who promised he wouldn't look at it any more once we got together. In that period I discovered on no less than 4 occasions he had been doing it behind my back (all without snooping- so God knows how much I'd have found if I had snooped! ). After each time he would swear on his life he wouldn't do it again. The relationship destroyed my confidence and caused me some serious MH issues before I got the courage to leave (porn wasn't the only issue, he was very emotionally abusive).

Speaking from my experience - NO, not all men do it.

If they are into it they won't stop doing it for you. They will just try and cover their tracks so you don't find out.

My ex tried the "all men do it" line with me, and that he was just a "red blooded male" and that any guy who didn't look at porn was likely gay. I want to go back in time and slap myself for wasting my 20s with that useless twat!

Chops2016 Thu 15-Dec-16 12:40:29

If you stay with him you will drive yourself mad worrying whether he is doing it behind your back or not. It is hell sad

TheNaze73 Thu 15-Dec-16 12:43:47

I am saying that OP. If it's a massive deal breaker for you, which it sounds like it is & he's using porn recreationally & see's it as not a big deal, you've got a big issue to deal with. Depends how important it is to him.

namechange102 Thu 15-Dec-16 12:55:50

Chops, that first paragraph sounds like us! Apart from splitting up, obv... And the comment about not knowing how much he's actually looked at resonates with me. He has mentioned mostly using incognito browsing for porn, so God knows what I don't know about.
Naze-thats a big leap. I think in his mind he thinks he won't look again, so I don't think he would leave and choose porn over his family. My concern is that he knows how important it is to be honest with me now, but I can easily see him slipping up and justifying it somehow. I'm not sure he's selfless enough to see it as you have described it. He's pretty much got away with it in the past.

Chops2016 Thu 15-Dec-16 13:12:51

I really feel for you, it is such an awful situation. Years on I'm still affected in the way I think (mainly about myself).

His justifying it is so disrespectful, especially if he agreed that he wouldn't do it when you first got together. He's messing with your head every time by making you feel like you're being unreasonable (or maybe this is just me projecting?). If he loved you he wouldn't do that.

May I ask how old he is? Are you his first partner? Do you have children together?

namechange102 Thu 15-Dec-16 13:34:34

Mid-life crisis age hmm...both mid 40s, two young kids. He had a few girlfriends before me, he was only my second. We've been together for about 20 years now, I know he had itchy feet a couple of times in the first few years, which is partly why I don't trust him 100% now. I suppose watching porn is small change considering the situation some people have.

This year I have just felt so resentful of all the stuff I've done (or not) over the years so he can have a flashy career, and put up with disrespectful crap in the past (and thought we'd worked through it). Don't get me wrong, I am appreciative that he works hard and provides for his family. I'd just like more consideration of what I feel is appropriate behaviour in the relationship. Oh, and it would be nice to feel appreciated for doing all the crap jobs, but that's the complaint of many a (mostly) stay at home parent grin.

FluffyPersian Thu 15-Dec-16 13:40:59

He will never change and if you won't leave him, then that's that.

I find it sad you want to change your feelings on the matter and 'come to terms with your disgust'. What's wrong with your disgust? Surely your feelings matter?

I don't mean to be harsh, however I was in a relationship with someone who looked at (a lot of) porn. He promised he wouldn't look at it again - and he lied, again and again and again. I'd get a 'gut feeling' and find he'd been looking at it again - it totally destroyed my self esteem and he didn't care as he knew I wouldn't leave him.

Except I did - I found someone who respects my feelings and to the best of my knowledge does not watch or look at porn, so I don't need to come to terms with anything. If I did find he watched it - I'd leave him, for me it's black and white as I set my expectations in the beginning of the relationship (as did he) - therefore if he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, he didn't have to be.

Don't believe you have to minimise it. Your feelings matter as much as his.

Chops2016 Thu 15-Dec-16 14:04:19

I totally agree with FluffyPersian.

namechange102 Thu 15-Dec-16 19:31:50

Thanks for your post fluffy, you having been in the situation and feeling the same kind of validates my feelings for me a bit.

I know my feelings matter too, I also know that I have read comments on many threads saying that one person's feeling are not more important than the other's. Does this mean the fairest way is to live with a compromise?
I do think he feels pissed off that I want to control his actions and don't trust him. How could a compromise work? Has anyone done this and been successful?

NotTheFordType Thu 15-Dec-16 19:58:05

No not ALL men view porn - just 99% of them.

You are trying to police how he masturbates. You don't own his sexuality.

namechange102 Thu 15-Dec-16 20:04:24

Ha ha, I knew someone would come out with that shit comment ford. If you read the posts properly you will see I am aware of this and are looking for a compromise and a way to come to terms with it myself. I don't see you coming up with any constructive comments....

FluffyPersian Thu 15-Dec-16 20:28:37

There really isn't a compromise namechange You either put up and shut up (by trying to convince yourself it's OK) or you leave him. The fact he promised not to look at it again and did so is a deliberate action - he went against something he promised.

If my partner said to me 'I never want you to see your friends again', I'd tell him to fuck off and leave him. If he said 'I really hate cheese, I'd really prefer you didn't eat it again'... then I'd agree, as I'm not too fussed and my partner is more important than cheese.

What I'm trying to say is, porn is more important to him than you are. He's demonstrated that by his actions. If you are OK with that, then that's your choice - But when I was with my ex, it wore me down - it honestly just wore me down, day after day. I couldn't trust him and it seeped into our entire relationship, I assume he promises he won't cheat, but then, he lies about certain actions so why not others?

He's dismissive over your feelings, he justifies it by saying 'every man does it', and he won't even compromise and look at couples stuff.

So basically:

1. He WON'T stop looking at it (he promised and lied to you)
2. He WON'T change what he looks at (he's not interested)
3. He WON'T talk to you about it (he's dismissive over your attempt to talk to him)

I appreciate it could appear 'radical', but sadly it really is a case of - put up and shut up or leave him.

...... I personally would advocate the latter as being with someone who respects my feelings and doesn't look at porn is a million times better, but that's just me.

namechange102 Thu 15-Dec-16 20:42:34

Thanks fluffy, I truly get what you are saying (cheese! grin).... Not trying to come up with excuses for him, but to understand... He said the subsequent watching slowly happened a while after he'd said he wouldn't watch it. Working away at the time and missing me! Nothing negative happened (I didn't blow up as much when I finally found that one out), so it just carried on. He did say he would watch couples stuff, it's not that he refuses but that since then he has shown zero interest, and I'm not feeling like initiating it!
I'm trying to understand from both sides, I don't think he's being deliberately hurtful, but thoughtless (?) secrecy/lies has affected me more than I realised. It's eroding the relationship but more on my side iyswim. I just don't think it's a big deal for him, but him feeling like I want to control him is...

Summerlovinf Thu 15-Dec-16 20:49:35

What don't you like? Is it that you don't agree with porn, or that if he's looking at porn you want to know, or be there too, or that you don't want him masturbating at all without you?

SongforSal Thu 15-Dec-16 20:58:20

Is this a big worry in the scale of things?! To be fair, I'm a woman who watches porn occasionally. I don't offer the information to my Dp as and when, but sometimes I tell him. Everyone likes different things and has different drives in that area....

NotTheFordType Thu 15-Dec-16 21:11:45

Ha ha, I knew someone would come out with that shit comment ford.

I'm trying to understand from both sides

Oh the irony.

namechange102 Thu 15-Dec-16 21:21:00

I don't like the fact he has lied, and been defensive and evasive. I didn't tell him he couldn't watch it. He said he wouldn't, and I expected him to stick to that, given he knew my feelings on the matter. I'd asked him about it and he'd gotten angry and lied. Which makes me wonder what else he's lied about, as earlier on in the relationship I only found out he went looking for a shag after the event, and of course 'nothing actually happened '... I have told him numerous times its the honesty which is the issue, which is why him being dishonest about this relatively simple thing disturbs me.
I don't give a shit how often he masturbation without me, but yes, it does make me feel disgusted at the thought he's watching his bookmarked video while doing it. That's just my opinion. I accept others are different. To me it's a big difference that he has looked at lots of women and them getting themselves off (some pov) yet is uninterested in watching other stuff with me. To me that implies he is imagining having sexual relations with these women, and that I'm not particularly happy with sad

namechange102 Thu 15-Dec-16 21:22:20

Fuck off ford, you're not being helpful, or even particularly pleasant. You seem to be deliberately misunderstanding what I have said.

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