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absolutly gutted

(26 Posts)
whatdoidonowffs Thu 15-Dec-16 02:12:53

I don't even know where to start
I just found WhatsApp messages on my wifes phone seems like I'm getting a divorce in the new year sad and from the chats shes been having with a married man if she isn't sleeping with him already she soon will be
I don't know what to do I don't know whether to confront her now or wait till I calm down and am thinking clearly
we have a 5yr old dd this will break her heart and I don't want to be the cause of that

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Thu 15-Dec-16 02:21:04

Screen shot messages and send to your phone. Can you talk to her when your daughter is at school? And if it's true it's not you breaking up the marriage.

Graphista Thu 15-Dec-16 02:31:10

Keep your powder dry until you've had time to save the evidence and get legal/financial advice. Sadly apparently January the busiest time of the year for divorce lawyers.

Sorry you're going through this its horrible.

I agree don't blame yourself your wife made a choice that may lead to the end of your marriage you didn't.

HappyJanuary Thu 15-Dec-16 02:59:27

Save evidence,seek legal advice and get your ducks in a row before confronting.

Think about what you want to happen next. She may be making promises to him that she has no intention of keeping, adulterers often do. Could you forgive her, if she asks you to?

whatdoidonowffs Thu 15-Dec-16 07:00:48

I just feel so empty I cant believe that what is said in the messages is what she feels
I will hold it together for the sake of dd not going to be a happy Christmas after all

TheSparrowhawk Thu 15-Dec-16 07:32:46

What a horrible thing to discover. Do you have someone you can talk to in real life?

littlefirtree Thu 15-Dec-16 07:37:51

flowers Sorry that's awful. She sounds horrible. I agree screenshot everything and make a decision about whether you can work through it with her or make plans for the future before you confront her.

TheNaze73 Thu 15-Dec-16 07:58:56

Firstly, it won't be you breaking your daughters heart, you're not the one sticking two fingers up at your wedding vows.

Secondly, gather the info like others have said & start to prepare for it mentally & engage in legal advice.

Finally, have an STD check as she probably is already sex with him.

Horrible thing to discover but, just see this as the first day of the rest of your life

Cricrichan Thu 15-Dec-16 08:06:47

I think you need to talk to her and see what she says and then decide what you want to do. It may not have gone any further op and you could still salvage this.

Cricrichan Thu 15-Dec-16 08:07:35

Thenaze - how on earth can you tell she's had sex with him based on the little info on the op??

SVJAA Thu 15-Dec-16 08:13:19

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's awful. I agree with PP, screen shot everything and make copies. Also make sure you have copies of banking, finances, birth certificates and passports. Wait until you've worked out in your own mind what comes next and then speak to your wife.

ImaLannister Thu 15-Dec-16 08:15:09

How did you come across them, did you snoop on her phone?
The best thing to do ATM is not say anything to her, as if you confront her she will fill you with lies. Your best off to keep a close eyes on her actions from now on, and see. Her whereabouts etc.
She might not be sleeping with him or actually ever have intentions of carrying it out. This could just be a little kick that she is getting, a little bit of excitement.
Are there any problems in your relationship?
Sorry this has happened.

PoldarksBreeches Thu 15-Dec-16 08:18:45

Because affairs usually involve sex. And cheaters will deny deny deny before they admit it. They will often deny having sex yet but the level of affection and content in their messages would only fit with a sexual relationship.
OP I'm so sorry. I found out about an affair on 22/12 one year, it was dreadful.

IsNotGold Thu 15-Dec-16 08:21:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImaLannister Thu 15-Dec-16 08:22:51

But I suppose the question is would you be able to forgive her for sending messages like this in the first place even if she doesn't end up sleeping with him? As this is still a form of cheating really int it. If the answer is no then I would start gathering evidence now.

ShatnersWig Thu 15-Dec-16 08:26:28

Cricrichan If the original posting had been from a woman, 98% of replies would have said "he's probably already having sex with her". So it seems pretty fair and reasonable for Naze and others to give precisely the same response to a male poster about his wife.

Cricrichan Thu 15-Dec-16 08:31:06

We don't know what the messages say!

IsNotGold Thu 15-Dec-16 08:33:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsNotGold Thu 15-Dec-16 08:34:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 Thu 15-Dec-16 08:38:27

Cricrichan fair shout, however why would somebody embark in an affair if it was sexless. It's not normally over a mutual attraction of Volvo's & Sunday mornings in IKEA.

IsNotGold Thu 15-Dec-16 08:40:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatdoidonowffs Thu 15-Dec-16 13:36:18

Thanks for the advice all I think I'm going to get Christmas out of the way before making any decisions I want it to be a nice one for dd she is most important
That will be the hardest decision to make if we split do I stay where I am and see lots of dd ( I moved to be with my wife ) or go back to a place where I have support and family but see less of dd
Bloody bastarding life sucks 😡😡😡

ImaLannister Fri 16-Dec-16 00:38:08

I absolutely agree to get Christmas out of the way, try to keep it all together until then at least. (Not like it makes the situation any easier). Then you can decide what is best. Don't be influenced by any of our say on your decision btw. We don't know the ins & outs of it all like you do. Only you know what is right and what to do. I wish you well.

DVonD Fri 16-Dec-16 08:34:36

Marry me instead. Haha.
In all seriousness however, what I’m going to say will more than likely inflame others.

What do you want to do ? Do you really want to divorce ?
How much are you prepared to work on your marriage to this woman ?
Is your partner's lack of sexual or emotionally flirtatious monogamy a real deal breaker for your marriage and the commitment that you once made to each other ?

You have vented on here, rather than choosing to openly communicate with your wife. Clearly then there is a breakdown between the two of you that needs addressing.
You have also chosen rather swiftly I will add to mention the expensive and dreaded D word (divorce) there, has things been bad ? Has this issue merely given you an exit excuse?
Be honest with yourself, your situation, and your partner.

What is it that you want? Where do you want to go from here?
Can things be fixed?
Do you still love her?
Is this a temporary blimp in the life radar?
Can you work or get past it?
After years of marriage, do you both still desire the aspect of monogamy?

I’m a monogamous individual, but it doesn’t work for everyone.
If you look back in history, some marriages that have lasted the lifetimes between two individuals only worked because both parties had their additional chamber lovers.

What is it that you want? What does she want?
Where do you go from here as a couple?
What is then best for your child, well clearly that is for her to see both parents getting along well, without fighting and stressful interactions.

It is not simply about what your wife might have done, but also HOW you both choose to deal with it from here on in.
Just saying.

happychristmaspoobum Fri 16-Dec-16 14:21:03

OP do you really think you can keep quiet about this all through Christmas? I know I couldn't.

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