Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Advice on my controlling moody husband!(55 Posts)
Hi everyone, I'm new here and just need some advice and or kind words to keep my spirits up, this will be long so here goes!
I've been with my husband for 18 years married for 11, we have 4 children together I was 16 when we met. Currently I have been sleeping on the sofa for the last 4 nights and he hasn't spoken a word to me. This all started on Monday when he checked his bank account (he has his own) and saw that on Saturday he asked me to withdraw £100 for him but I took £120 and didn't tell him, I obviously shouldn't have took the extra £20 but I needed it and he doesn't actually give me any money on a weekly or monthly basis. We have had countless arguments about him giving me money towards the household but he always has an excuse why he shouldn't ie: he pays the car payment and insurance which I use, he buys clothes for the kids etc it's not that he's tight he just refuses to give money to me, I buy all the shopping, electric, gas, give the kids money for school and pay the rent.
After he found out about the £20 he rang me and said if I ever go near his bank card again he was going to break my ribs and he then blocked my number from his phone! A lot of you will probably be appalled at hearing that but I suppose I'm used to his threats and it doesn't affect me as much anymore it's become kind of "normal", I am also not allowed to drive his car anymore even to bring the kids to school so im walking and the older are taking the bus. Please don't get me wrong I know I'm in an abusive relationship with an extremely controlling man but I feel like I'm so deep into the relationship I have no possibility of getting out. He has never hit me but the mental stuff Is ongoing but I feel as though it doesn't effect me as badly as it used to because I don't rise to it anymore, when he said I wasn't to use the car I never said a word because I think he enjoys it more when he knows it hurts me so I just got on with it as though it doesn't affect me, today he must have unblocked my number to text me to say I can use the car to pick our youngest up from school as it was raining but I wouldn't let him get the better of me so I didn't and I walked anyway. This isn't the first time he's pulled this with the car, I feel like I'm the only person living with a man like this he is just so grumpy and moody most of the time I actually can't stand him about 70% of the time, I am very resilient and he'll never get me down so much that I'm depressed or anything I just wish he would lighten up and enjoy life instead of being so negative and controlling all the time. I wish I had the courage to leave him I really do but I know Im not there yet, I have never told anyone what way he behaves because I'm so embarrassed that I have allowed him to do this, I think he is just so miserable and unhappy inside himself that he wants everyone else to be like him. I guess my question is, has anyone else went through this and came out the other side happier either alone or together?
Gosh, what a dreadful situation. Try reading your post as if you were someone else, and see what jumps out at you. There will be other people along shortly much better placed to contribute than me. You seem fairly aware of your situation, so I'm not sure what to say.
He will not change and coercive control like he is and has shown you for many years is now against the law. You were targeted by this individual and he has used you to his own ends. You met him when you were just 16 and had no life experience behind you. He has conditioned you over the years to accept this from him You know this is wrong and you still have a vestige of strength left so you are not as powerless as you think you are.
Like many such controlling men he is abusing you in a number of ways; he is exerting financial control against you as well as emotionally abusing you. I would think you cannot actually stand living with him all of the time.
Your children are learning very damaging lessons on relationships; this is no life for them to be witness to either. They are seeing and hearing it all from him. This is no legacy to leave them, they could also end up being controlled or acting as controllers in relationships themselves.
Womens Aid can and will help you here; their number is 0808 2000 247. Please talk to them and with their help escape this individual.
That's the thing when I read it back it's terrible and I would say to another person to leave, you don't have to live like that but when your in it its much much harder. I am not in denial to myself but to everyone else in my life I am, I know what he is and I know that it's wrong but I truly don't see a way out from him, I have told him to leave many years ago and he refused he said he'll take everything from the house and leave me with nothing but that's the least of my worries I would get over it but I know he won't leave. It's very hard to put into words but he can be overly nice and tells me how much he loves me and the kids he lives for us etc and he works very hard doesn't go out drinking/gambling etc so in one way he is very good he's very reliable but then on the flip side he is the meanest moodiest person I know. I truly think the only way il get away from him is if he leaves me of his own accord
Unfortunately there are many women out there who are living with controlling men. All his behaviour towards you is abusive and he does this because he enjoys the power and control he has over you. Years of this has also ground you down to a pulp and a mere shadow of yourself. Your life will immeasurably improve once he is out of your day to day life for good.
He will not let you go easily or quietly (and he will likely make any separation from him as long and protracted as possible) but the life you are living with him is no life at all. Its akin to death by 1000 cuts. He is in turn abusing his children too by treating their mother abusively.
Abuse as well thrives on secrecy; please start opening up to other trusted people that you know. If you really cannot do that yet then keep posting on here and talk to Womens Aid.
I would also try and read a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft; your H is certainly within those pages.
Stay safe and do not ever let your H get wind of any escape plan.
I know he won't change and everything you've said is true, I would never let him break me that's just the way I am, I am naturally an optimistic person I think this has worked for me and against me because I kept thinking he would change but now I know he won't but I won't let him get to me the way he used to. I can see what will happen in a few days he will get over his mood he won't appologise but he'll say or do something to let me know he is over it then he'll be overly nice until the nest time something sets him off. this is the thing I have told him previously when he's been in a good mood that if anyone treated his kids the way he's treated me he would go mad but he doesn't get it. I have never posted anywhere before so perhaps I am beginning g to change a little and get the courage to do something
No man is above the law Hummingbird and legal means should be employed to get him out of your day to day life. Divorcing him is a way forward for you. Another 5 minutes of this is intolerable let alone another 14 or so years.
He is no different from all the other controlling men I have read about. He is following that same old script. Abusers can appear very plausible to those in the outside world but its an act that they cannot keep up for any length of time. You have seen the realities of what it is like to live with him day to day and its misery for you and your children.
If you were to stay for instance he could one day get ill and you could well end up being his live in carer wiping his backside. Not a life you would want I would think. Your children now adult would not want to see either of you all that often if at all because in their minds you put this man ahead of them. Do not do that to yourself or them.
You have made a significant step in writing about this to begin with and I commend you for doing so.
He does not feel he has done anything wrong with regards to you.
BTW did you meet this person when you were in a bad place yourself in your life or otherwise vulnerable. Did he whisk you off your feet and could not do enough for you then?.
Womens Aid are well worth calling; please call them when it is safe for you to do so and they will help you. They will not judge but will give you information. Knowledge after all is power.
Thank you for you kind words I have read why does he do that just a few days ago while I was reading other people's posts. As I have said I am very resilient and I have always knew what he was doing and I have told him numerous times before what he is doing is abuse, he will even say sometimes look I havnet grumped in 3 weeks or whatever it may be as if it is some achievement! He previously has admitted he is depressed and has went for theraputic treatments and it helps for a while then something will set him off (usually me). Sometimes I wish he would meet another woman and leave me that would be the easy way out for me!
The domestic violence cycle of abuse helps us to understand the different phases which typically occur in abusive relationships before, during and after an abusive episode.
Most abusive relationships display a distinct pattern, known as the Cycle of Abuse or Violence. Abuse is rarely constant but alternates between: tension building, acting out, the honeymoon period and calm.
Not all relationships follow the same cycle, and individual experiences vary, some stages - especially the honeymoon or calm periods, may shorten or be left out completely, especially as the abuse intensifies over a period of time.
Each stage of the cycle can last from a few minutes to a number of months, but within an abusive relationship, the following stages can often be pin-pointed:
TENSION BUILDING -
Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move
INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase
Any type of abuse occurs
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.
HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase
Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims
CALM before the tension starts again.
Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)
I lived with a moody and sometimes controlling man for 6 years. He had major anger issues too.
Gradually over the years he became quite unkind to my 2 DS and I realised I couldn't carry on living with him. It was a terrible time in my life, ending the relationship, as we had some good times.
Thankfully I have a well paid job and could support myself and my boys. I had to sell the house (which took 18 months) and it an was extremely stressful time. But 3 years later life is good!
I think you know you can't carry on like this, something tiny inside you is starting to realise that you need to make a move. So carry on posting on here, ask for advice, start to make a plan. You don't have to do anything until you're ready but you deserve so much better.
He like many such abusive men has likely used depression as an excuse or justification for his own abuse of you. He is targeting you (and in turn your children) alone. He is probably very plausible to those in the outside world and many abusers can and do appear to be very plausible.
Such men like this man actually hate women, all of them.
BTW what if anything do you know about his own family background, that often provides clues.
Do you want your life to continue like this for the next 50 years?
He won't change, he's an utter controlling nasty bastard.
Leave and be happy, fuck him and his miserable life, he deserves to end up a lonely old man.
I don't think I was particularly vulnerable but maybe I was my parents where divorced and yes he would have done anything for me spoilt m with gifts, going out places he was 22 with a good paying job I had our first child when I was 18 but i worked until our 3rd was born., I went back to work 3. Years ago I know now what the warning signs where, I do think ive made a step in even posting thank you
Very practically, you say you pay the rent. Are you both names on the tenancy agreement? It sounds as though you are essentially meeting household costs without his input. If he isn't named, can you demand that he leaves? With his precious car, of course.
Believe me if it weren't for our kids I would walk out and never look back but he knows that too! I will never make excuses for his behaviour depressed or not it's wrong, his family background is his mother would be very similar to him controlling always right etc and they fall out quite often, funny thing when he's not speaking too me he will be extra nice to the kids buy them stuff take them out etc lol my only saving grace is I am way smarter than him and I don't react the way he wants me too. I am glad I posted here I'm feeling more confident already
Google the Crown Prosecution Service guidance on Coercive Control, on phone so cannot link. You say no-one would believe you but it lists the kinds of evidence you need. Start collecting it. What he is doing is against the law.
Make sure that your online presence cannot be followed by him.
Speak to Women's Aid.
It is hard to leave a controller as they do not give up, you have to peel back each little layer bit by bit till you remember the person underneath with her own will and abilities and life and then that is what you fight for. You need to make the decision that your life, your autonomy and your potential matter.
And if he is controlling you, then he is controlling the DC.
Yes his name is on it too but he says what he pays Is more because he will pay most birthday and Xmas expenses. Even if his name wasn't on it he knows I wont phone the police so I've no way to get him out
X post, buying stuff for the kids when not speaking to you is nasty emotional manipulation
He's not moody. He's a bastard, plain and simple. And of course he's nice to your kids after he's treated you like shit. It's so he can keep up the pretence of being a decent man. That way, if anyone asked the kids about what he's like, they'd say he was wonderful. You need to get out OP, because he won't get better. Please call Women's Aid for advice and keep posting here to let us know how you are so we can support you.
Okay, but you still know that, financially, you can make ends meet without him, either in this home or another. You are working, and you can get references for another flat/ house. He may get to pay for the fun stuff like Christmas and fancy cars, but you can afford to be independent. It's a small part of a big picture, but worth considering. What are the children getting out of you staying at the moment? They've probably noticed that you are sleeping on the couch.
You shouldn't tolerate this situation OP. You are a loving mother, a kindly wife not an endurance test dummy who has to endure all this male anger as a punishment. Your life can be better than this.
I always delete my browsing history etc have strong passwords, I have looked at woman's aid website before I know I can survive without him I don't need him financially but I don't think he'll let me go we live in a very small community both our families live nearby everyone know everyone type of thing I don't know how I would get him to leave me alone
he knows I wont phone the police
If you asked him to leave and he refused and started shouting, threatening you and perhaps being violent - would you not phone the police?
Believe me if it weren't for our kids I would walk out and never look back but he knows that too!
A friend of mine watched her 17 year old son stay in an abusive relationship until he was clinically depressed and self-harming.
She tells me the worst thing is, she just kept thinking 'I taught him that.'
From watching her and his abusive father, he had picked up the message that being alone was so bad, it was better to be with someone, even if the relationship was awful. My friend said she had thought about leaving many times over the years, but stayed because 'children do better if their parents are in a stable relationship.'
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.