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This is an invitation I shouldn't accept, right?

(44 Posts)
BumDNC Wed 14-Dec-16 19:39:36

Basic outline. I have a recently new boyfriend for 6 months, don't live with him. I have 2 DC. Good relationship

I have a few male friends, mostly who I know through work and such like, married or unmarried - friends/colleagues. None of us work in the same building anymore but we seem to have stayed in touch (but separately - we aren't a group of friends although we all know each other) and this is via occasional emails or text and 99% of any chats is work/organisation related or just 'hey how are things'. Boyfriend knows I speak to these blokes in this capacity as I have mentioned them in passing probably. Nothing untoward has ever occurred in my mind.

one of them is the type what I would class as 'knowing he's a good looking bloke' (he is, I cant deny it - he isn't ugly) and I have partaken in a fair amount of ribbing him about his ego. We've had some really good work related laughs over the years. He's married and has kids and even when I was single we have never overstepped any lines in fact he spent a while trying to set me up with a single colleague which never happened.

Recently he has been contacting me more frequently, initially about work stuff and now he has invited me to something, it is not 1:1 it is an event. I was polite and said hey well maybe I could pop by and that I could bring my boyfriend - who is now busy on that day. I told my BF about whether he fancied going (sounds fun anyway) but he can't. Work bloke is keen for me to come, and I could go with my friends but I'm not sure it would be appropriate for me to go at all. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, neither of us are single and although yes he isn't ugly, he's a cocky so and so and that's not my cup of tea. I'm concerned turning up without my BF would give off the wrong message and I'm also concerned he might be looking for something on the side, I have literally nothing to base this on apart from a gut feeling, so maybe i am the one with a big ego here?

I'm not going to lose any sleep over it if I miss it but I am a notorious over thinker. It could be a good laugh with some mates. But I was thinking that I know he is married and made no mention of his wife tagging along and if I was the wife I am not sure how I would feel about my DH essentially going on a night out to meet a female colleague confused

Cricrichan Wed 14-Dec-16 19:44:26

Well you've been friends a while haven't you? You won't touch him with a barge pole as you say so don't see the problem. Going may make his intentions clearer actually. If you go and he's just a mate as usual then you can relax but if he seems to want more then you can stay away. Take a friend.

eddielizzard Wed 14-Dec-16 19:47:54

go with your gut. i personally wouldn't. sailing a bit too close to the wind esp as you're slightly more colleagues than friends by the sounds of it.

BumDNC Wed 14-Dec-16 19:49:20

Yeah we have been friends for quite some time but not socially always just work. There is just something that feels odd about going without my boyfriend socially iyswim? I've never met this guy socially. He doesn't live near me and just happens to be near me on this occasion. I would tell him if I did go.

eddielizzard Wed 14-Dec-16 19:53:24

exactly - the boundaries are shifting. first time you're meeting outside of work and guess what? no partners. you have a gut feel here, and i only say this because you've already brought it up, but it doesn't feel right. i have male friends who i wouldn't bat an eyelid meeting on my own and i'm sure you do too. but something about this bloke has got you second guessing. your instinct never shouts btw, it whispers.

bluebeck Wed 14-Dec-16 19:54:30

Well if you are going with friends what is the problem?

BumDNC Wed 14-Dec-16 19:58:29

If I met him socially regularly it's a non issue. I have other male friends who I do and I don't think about it. But yeah - the boundaries. Will be alcohol and what the young people call 'banter'. Going with my friends doesn't seem quite the same as partners

YetAnotherGuy Wed 14-Dec-16 20:27:29

I think you know it's a bad idea, you just want other people to confirm it

I myself have seen women from work as a group where I'm an "honorary girl" - but my DW and I've been together over 40 years

This sounds quite different

It isn't worth jeopardising your relationship, which is in its early stages

I'm not a jealous person at all, but even I might question your commitment if you went to this. And you could be waking up soon thinking "Why on earth did I do that?" Successful relationships often hinge on what you''re prepared to give up. This is one of those situations

BumDNC Wed 14-Dec-16 20:40:37

i think I would question my commitment to be fair if I went. And I think it could get flirty - I think he's a cocky sod and I'm not sure I entirely trust him in that way then come forward awkward situation for all and massive fuck up for me. He needs to go into work acquaintance box and remain there

LemonSqueezy0 Thu 15-Dec-16 07:11:52

You know you're own mind and the intricacies of this but if it were me I'd go. I'd view this exactly the same as if there was a(beautiful) female colleague /potential friend. Nothing would happen, I'm in love with my partner, they've never come on to me etc etc. I think based on your OP you should go. I'm a firm believer in respecting your relationship but not to the point that you wouldn't go out in public with someone of the opposite sex, no matter the circumstances, just in case it upsets your partner.. Has your partner even hinted he doesn't want you to go? That'd be a bit of a flag for me tbh.

msrisotto Thu 15-Dec-16 07:19:50

This is the kind of situation where i would rationalise and ignore my instincts, get excited to have a new friend then discover i was right all along. I know men and women can be platonic friends but your spidey senses are gonna be right aren't they....

EvenTheWind Thu 15-Dec-16 07:29:43


OP herself is uneasy, this isn't coming from the BF.

OP, if your instincts are saying he fancies you and wants more, trust them.

You may believe yourself and still decide to go,with an out if you need it, but you are at least prepared.

Or you may prefer to skip it, Especially as the "cost" of doing so is missing an event that would be fun but not essential.

LemonSqueezy0 Thu 15-Dec-16 07:38:23

That's why I mentioned that there were intricacies and yes 'spidey senses' but she's mates with others from same scenario, plus there seems to be a focus on him being attractive etc. If he's never come onto her, or hinted that he would just given the right situation, then I feel it's a bit preemptive. There's nothing that he's said or done in the OP to suggest he's on the prowl...

AmaDablam Thu 15-Dec-16 07:53:39

I think that "on paper" it sounds like you should go. It's not a 1-1 situation, you'd have friends there and this guy doesn't have form for overstepping the boundaries. It's quite likely completely innocent and genuinely platonic.

However you seem to be extremely anxious and uncomfortable about it and there's nothing wrong with that. You have your gut feelings which are a powerful thing and for all we know, they may be right. I think if you accept the invitation you'll worry and stress about it in the run up, then quite possibly analyse all the little details afterwards, even if nothing untoward happens. You say you won't lose any sleep if you don't go, well, it sounds to me like you will if you do go, so there you have your answer. I'd politely decline, breathe a sigh of relief that you no longer have to think about it, and get on with enjoying the run up to Christmas.

WellErrr Thu 15-Dec-16 07:57:51

Why isn't he taking his wife?

WellErrr Thu 15-Dec-16 07:59:03

By that I mean, if my DH was invited to a fun event he needed a companion for, I'd expect him to ask me rather than a ransomed he used to work with.

WellErrr Thu 15-Dec-16 07:59:13


Cricrichan Thu 15-Dec-16 08:00:08

I find this all very weird tbh. I've sometimes thought that someone may be interested in me and it hasn't been hard for it not to go any further. You have a boyfriend and bringing him up in a few conversations should be enough to make it clear that you're not interested. I also don't think it should be hard not to flirt with him, regardless of the situation. I don't know, it almost sounds as if you are slightly attracted to this man and are worried about your reactions and your feelings if he were to show you soke attention?

pensivepolly Thu 15-Dec-16 08:26:17

I don't think you would be posting here if you felt it was ok for you to go. Something in the back of your mind is making you hesitate.

Lucy7400 Thu 15-Dec-16 08:27:38

Listen to your instincts.

shovetheholly Thu 15-Dec-16 08:28:40

I don't get this. You say both that you are just friends, and that there's more to it than this. You say you won't touch him with a bargepole, but also suggest that there have been some mildly flirty messages about his good looks. Which is it?

I have loads of male friends, including some that I'm really close to. Tonight, I'll be going out as the only woman in a bunch of blokes (a reading group). It's not a problem because they're mates, and the lines are really clear. That means I don't flirt with them. I'm old enough not to need sexually-motivated admiration for my own ego - I'd rather have their friendship and respect.

AmaDablam Thu 15-Dec-16 08:31:19

why isn't he taking his wife?

See I don't find that weird at all. They have kids and it's often hard to get a babysitter this time of year. Especially as op mentioned this guy doesn't live locally but the event is presumably happening near her, so would probably require someone to have their kids overnight.

EvenTheWind Thu 15-Dec-16 08:32:53

Nothing in the op except the posting of the op, lemon.

Radbadsad Thu 15-Dec-16 08:40:43

if I was the wife I am not sure how I would feel about my DH essentially going on a night out to meet a female colleague . I think that this says something about how you view male and female friendships.

I don't see what the problem is. It's a fun night out with a male work colleague and others. Your BF was going and colleague had no problem with this. You don't fancy colleague and presumably have the ability to tell him this should he think otherwise. You go, have fun, treat him in the same way that you would any other casual friend, if he says or does something inappropriate you put him straight.

LemonSqueezy0 Thu 15-Dec-16 10:41:04

Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way! If you don't want to go, you don't have to. You're not obliged to by work or family politics. It just seems that you've mentioned his good looks and don't seem to trust that nothing will happen, so don't go. But your OP seems to suggest it's your feelings, rather than his that should be the reason.

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