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porn addiction ?

(29 Posts)
basejump Wed 14-Dec-16 12:09:17

DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. He is a kind, decent and intelligent man. Emotionally we are close. I am fundamentally fairly happy. But.

When we got together I knew he was quite into porn, he was open about it and it didn't bother me. I did notice that he was different in bed - less 'present' - than previous partners, as if he was off in his own head rather than in bed with me. He was unemployed for a while and during that time was watching porn a lot more. But we were still having pretty good sex so I didn't take it too seriously.

Before we got engaged I found out that he had visited escorts in the past. I lost a lot of respect for him at that point and I'm not sure I've ever really got it back. I think he did it because he lacked the confidence to go out and pull someone. He had never had a serious relationship before meeting me, was a quiet type, bullied at school etc. A bit of a late bloomer.

Things got pretty bad when we started trying for a baby. To cut a long story short we tried 'naturally' for a year which turned sex into a chore, then did IVF, it didn't work (the last cycle was nearly three years ago, I'm 42) and it has basically killed what was left of our sex life. We've had sex once in the last two years, at my instigation, and it wasn't great for either of us. While all this was going on he was watching a lot of porn. I asked him to get help with it and he went to one counsellor - that was two years ago and things improved for a while, we used an online porn filter etc. we no longer have that.

He says he watches less now but I am not sure I believe him. The worst thing is I have asked him not to watch it when I'm in the house, but he still does. I walked in on him in the shower a few days ago and saw that he was semi hard (which would never happen unless he'd been watching porn). I didn't say anything straight away but asked him a few hours later. His first reaction was to lie about it. His second reaction was to feel guilty and embarrassed. He says he loves me, is affectionate, kind, we cuddle etc etc. But no sex, no kissing, and mostly sleep in different rooms (due to getting up at very different times).

I don't think if I was super attractive it would make any difference. I'm not bad looking and still get 'attention' from men from time to time, but I don't think this is the issue. DH finds relating very hard ; he can be sweet and caring but when I'm stressed (which is quite often for various reasons) he just wants to run away. The whole infertility shitstorm really took it out of us both, and now he is super sensitive to any whiff of drama. I'm more used to it because I had a difficult upbringing, which doesn't help any of this either. Still, I don't doubt that he cares about me a lot and says he is basically happy with the way we are.

I think this is all going to come to a head (so to speak) in the next year or so because we are hoping to start a family via adoption or egg donation. If it's happening it needs to happen soon. I feel that we are good solid partnership in every aspect other than sex. These questions keep buzzing around in my head :

is it possible to be happy long term without real life sex ? (DH seems fine getting is fix via porn and I don't think he will go off shagging)

are we completely insane and irresponsible to be contemplating parenthood as a couple in these circumstances ? I sometimes think about calling time on this situation and going it alone...

Sorry, this turned out to be longer than I thought...

baconandeggies Wed 14-Dec-16 12:22:54

is it possible to be happy long term without real life sex ?

Yes, if both parties are 100% happy and in agreement.

You could try couples counselling to improve things if either of you are unhappy with your sexual relationship.

baconandeggies Wed 14-Dec-16 12:25:58

Or if you fundamentally have never regained respect for him after his history, then that's also something to either overcome or realise.

You don't say how YOU would like your sex life to be? If you could wave a magic wand what would things be like?

Happybunny19 Wed 14-Dec-16 12:30:16

You haven't said if you're happy in a sexless relationship though, it's all been about his needs.

Have you ever dtd and felt he's really with you, rather than humping you whilst replaying a moment from a porn scene? It sounds horrible the way you've described things tbh.

With regard to the potential adoption /egg donation I would say it seems wrong to bring a child into such an uncertain situation, particularly if you adopt an already vulnerable and potentially disturbed child.

basejump Wed 14-Dec-16 12:40:53

bacon in all honesty I'm not sure. I only ever feel like I miss sex when I'm ovulating, so max a few days a month. The rest of the time I barely think about it.

If I could really wave a magic wand with total impunity I'd have a couple of different men in their 20s on the go ! But in reality, the feeling that my husband fancies and wants me is what I miss, not so much the sex itself.

happybunny it wasn't quite like that. It was more a sense of him not being completely there, which I get (got) from him both in and out of bed.

AnyFucker Wed 14-Dec-16 12:45:37

So, if you discover he is using escorts again will that be OK ?

baconandeggies Wed 14-Dec-16 12:58:15

I only ever feel like I miss sex when I'm ovulating, so max a few days a month. The rest of the time I barely think about it.

Hmm - me too. But yes - I think it's reasonable to want to be wanted.

Adora10 Wed 14-Dec-16 14:03:46

So whilst with you he was seeing escorts, has a clear porn habit and hasn't and isn't interested in a fulfilling sex life, prefers to wank to god knows what rather than make an effort with you.

Sorry but he's a waste of your time, he has no respect for either fidelity or your feelings; I have no idea how you can call this a good relationship, he sound a complete sleaze and I'd not trust him as far as I could throw him.

I think you need to stop minimising what imo is pretty disgusting behaviour and decide if you want to carry on being a spare tool whilst he gets his rocks of elsewhere, his selfishness is astounding and your acceptance even worse.

NotTheFordType Wed 14-Dec-16 14:07:41

Forget the whole sex issue, this:
DH finds relating very hard ; he can be sweet and caring but when I'm stressed (which is quite often for various reasons) he just wants to run away. The whole infertility shitstorm really took it out of us both, and now he is super sensitive to any whiff of drama.

Bringing up a child - especially a foster child or adopted child - is going to be daily drama, crises and stress for the next 18 years. So how do you feel about handling every single parenting issue on your own, because that's what's going to happen, judging by what's already happening.

basejump Wed 14-Dec-16 15:05:22

Adora I think you need to calm down a bit ! He wasn't seeing escorts while he was with me, it was quite a long time before. Dunno what's happened in your life but I certainly don't feel like a 'spare tool' even if someone who's never met me thinks I should.

not the ford yep this is a good point and exactly what worries me about the situation.

Adora10 Wed 14-Dec-16 15:45:15

Basejump - I assumed you meant he had seen escorts before you two got engaged, I apologise in that case, I see you say, in the past.

I'm very calm thanks very much, I guess we all have different tolerances and I just think any man who is using porn to this extent has a real problem, especially if he's making you feel useless, that's where the spare tool comes in OP,:
He says he watches less now but I am not sure I believe him. The worst thing is I have asked him not to watch it when I'm in the house, but he still does

no sex, no kissing, and mostly sleep in different rooms (due to getting up at very different times).

To me, no intimacy, no relationship, sorry if you are offended.

HeavenlyEyes Wed 14-Dec-16 21:23:13

I don't think I could get past any use of porn and escort use is beyond the pale for me am afraid. Why do you think this is acceptable? Doubt he has any respect for women whatsoever tbh.

BumDNC Wed 14-Dec-16 21:42:53

For me it would be about the fact that once you become parents it will possibly turn you from friends into just housemates. Raising children can take so much and if he doesn't have any emotional resilience you will be doing a lot of the hard graft by yourself and compensating for his deficit and then also getting no intimacy in return. So I would be worried about feeling resentful and that impacting upon children and your future. Fact is he has sexual feelings, the part he isn't good at is intimacy and it feels like rejection. I'm just not sure i could see things improving as they stay as they are. Could you suggest more counselling?

basejump Wed 14-Dec-16 22:12:16

I've just dragged it out of him that he has in fact been seeing escorts while we were together. Feel like I have just slipped into a waking nightmare. Should have known. What a fucking idiot I am.

SleepingTiger Wed 14-Dec-16 22:16:41

Haven't read the full thread because your third and fourth sentences hit me between the eyes. Together they don't work...sorry I just felt it. And I think you know it..?!?

There is no way you are emotionally close.

Correct?

AnyFucker Wed 14-Dec-16 22:20:58

I am sorry but I am not surprised

Once a man lets that particular "genie" out of the bottle, he is forever tainted. It was just a matter of time until he rediscovered his taste for paying women to pretend they don't despise him while he fucks them.

SleepingTiger Wed 14-Dec-16 22:26:11

I think Adora has said some good things to think about OP, and it's OK to reject them.

My concern is whether you could have a loving family with him. Whatever that means of course, but could you carve out a nurturing home for you and your kids.

SleepingTiger Wed 14-Dec-16 22:30:27

OP you last post just came up after I posted my last two.

Game changer I think. Sorry to hear this. You need a better father for your child or children, and a better partner for life. It's not rocket science and there are many here who can help you.

Stay calm, you are better than his shit.

You deserve better.

herwegoagain123 Wed 14-Dec-16 23:05:12

I feel for you. I think he has been probably doing this all the time. I found out and backtracked and snooped and he had been doing this for at least 10 years. Stuck around to try and make things work but it was too late. These men hate women. He will justify it and blame you. You just don't need this rubbish.
LTB
Leave him to it and let him feel the consequences otherwise you are agreeing to it. You are worth a million of him.

MyWineTime Wed 14-Dec-16 23:18:15

There is not a hope in hell of this relationship working.
You are trying to put your blinkers on to not notice the glaring hole in your relationship in order that you can become a parent. The problem is, when you become a parent, any cracks in the relationship only get bigger.
And these cracks will destroy you.

basejump Thu 15-Dec-16 02:11:59

Can't sleep. I gave up my job, moved country and away from friends to be with this person who I now feel I hardly know. I have no family support to speak of. I have wasted nearly 9 years of my life. I have almost certainly lost the chance to become a mother. While I was grieving a final failed IVF cycle he was out fucking prostitutes. Please god let me get through this somehow. I thought things were bad before but I never expected this. Maybe I should have.

Summerlovinf Thu 15-Dec-16 03:51:12

Do you have someone in real life you can confide in? While it's a shame you haven't fallen pregnant, it's going to make it much easier for you getting out of this than if you had children. Try not to see this as a waste of life...try to look forward to moving on. There are better times and better relationships ahead for you. Please don't make the mistake of staying in a relationship because you've 'invested' time and effort in it. The sooner you move on the sooner you can heal. Try to concentrate on practicalities of moving on - which of your old friends or you family would be pleased to hear from you? You'll be surprised where you'll find help and support and a welcome back.

AnyFucker Thu 15-Dec-16 06:51:17

Ho wold are you ?

Leave him. Have IVF with donor sperm as a single woman if you are running out of time. Although you say you are ovulating ? Just the donor sperm then.

This man will make a terrible father

BeingATinselTwatItsABingThing Thu 15-Dec-16 07:00:15

OP, all I can say is I am so sorry you are going through this! You deserve more than that.

While I was grieving a final failed IVF cycle he was out fucking prostitutes.

This says all I need to know about him. LTB!

basejump Thu 15-Dec-16 09:44:33

thank you tinsel.

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