DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. He is a kind, decent and intelligent man. Emotionally we are close. I am fundamentally fairly happy. But.
When we got together I knew he was quite into porn, he was open about it and it didn't bother me. I did notice that he was different in bed - less 'present' - than previous partners, as if he was off in his own head rather than in bed with me. He was unemployed for a while and during that time was watching porn a lot more. But we were still having pretty good sex so I didn't take it too seriously.
Before we got engaged I found out that he had visited escorts in the past. I lost a lot of respect for him at that point and I'm not sure I've ever really got it back. I think he did it because he lacked the confidence to go out and pull someone. He had never had a serious relationship before meeting me, was a quiet type, bullied at school etc. A bit of a late bloomer.
Things got pretty bad when we started trying for a baby. To cut a long story short we tried 'naturally' for a year which turned sex into a chore, then did IVF, it didn't work (the last cycle was nearly three years ago, I'm 42) and it has basically killed what was left of our sex life. We've had sex once in the last two years, at my instigation, and it wasn't great for either of us. While all this was going on he was watching a lot of porn. I asked him to get help with it and he went to one counsellor - that was two years ago and things improved for a while, we used an online porn filter etc. we no longer have that.
He says he watches less now but I am not sure I believe him. The worst thing is I have asked him not to watch it when I'm in the house, but he still does. I walked in on him in the shower a few days ago and saw that he was semi hard (which would never happen unless he'd been watching porn). I didn't say anything straight away but asked him a few hours later. His first reaction was to lie about it. His second reaction was to feel guilty and embarrassed. He says he loves me, is affectionate, kind, we cuddle etc etc. But no sex, no kissing, and mostly sleep in different rooms (due to getting up at very different times).
I don't think if I was super attractive it would make any difference. I'm not bad looking and still get 'attention' from men from time to time, but I don't think this is the issue. DH finds relating very hard ; he can be sweet and caring but when I'm stressed (which is quite often for various reasons) he just wants to run away. The whole infertility shitstorm really took it out of us both, and now he is super sensitive to any whiff of drama. I'm more used to it because I had a difficult upbringing, which doesn't help any of this either. Still, I don't doubt that he cares about me a lot and says he is basically happy with the way we are.
I think this is all going to come to a head (so to speak) in the next year or so because we are hoping to start a family via adoption or egg donation. If it's happening it needs to happen soon. I feel that we are good solid partnership in every aspect other than sex. These questions keep buzzing around in my head :
is it possible to be happy long term without real life sex ? (DH seems fine getting is fix via porn and I don't think he will go off shagging)
are we completely insane and irresponsible to be contemplating parenthood as a couple in these circumstances ? I sometimes think about calling time on this situation and going it alone...
Sorry, this turned out to be longer than I thought...
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Relationships
porn addiction ?
basejump · 14/12/2016 12:09
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