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3 people in the marriage?or am I being paranoid?-long post sorry.

(95 Posts)
Mumof3dogs Wed 14-Dec-16 10:13:58

I thought I would post on here to get some outsider views on my situation.
We have been together 25 years married 23 with 3 kids, 2 at uni, one still at school.
We live abroad ( won't put where in case someone on here recognises the situation).DH works in industry here and works long hours plus travels a lot for his job.
We have a family friend- female who lives back in the UK who I am increasingly uncomfortable and unhappy with her intrusion on our marriage and family life.
We met her a while ago on holiday,befriended her and started to chat with her online when we were home-what's app , Skype etc .She was very sad and lonely so we felt happy to try and help her out by keeping her company virtually .We also tried to help her by boosting her confidence and gradually welcomed her into the family, letting her holiday with us and visit with us here too.
She in turn was happy to chat with us, spend time with us and helped out a lot with things like shopping for us in UK, letting us stay with her when we were in the UK.
My concern is my DH's attitude towards her.He chats with her frequently sometimes more so than with me.He has a private chat with her that he seem so protective of , he has spent time In our holiday location with her when I was unable to go along or not wanting to go.
He stays with her when he visits his mum in the UK and assures me that there is nothing going on between them .
She in turn fusses him constantly,more than I would eg constantly making food for him , buying little gifts- anything he asks for she will do ,even driving him around for 4 hrs on her weekend if needed.
She is seemingly a constant presence at home as he will Skype her frequently and have her sitting on the I pad in the corner of the room all night .I have tried to get him to cut it down and he does for a while but then it goes back up again
I feel mean thinking bad about her as she has been a big help to us supporting him when we were living separate due to a job change and also being a friendly ear for me .
However our marriage has been suffering due to the previous separation time,DH stresses at work, anxiety and illness .He has been taking all his frustrations out on me and the family with extreme mood swings at times.He has said many cruel and hurtful things to me, often when drunk but the words still linger.
He has recently promised to change and put more effort toward me and the family ,to the point of constantly texting me telling me he loves me and then seeking constant reassurance from me.
I am open to his assurances and willing to move forward with working on the marriage, but having a younger woman also fussing around him in his life makes me feel very insecure and I feel I never get his full attention as he is always thinking about her and what she is doing or feeling.
Am I being paranoid or should I tell him to back off?

Dozer Wed 14-Dec-16 10:18:06

It all sounds highly inappropriate at best, and like a sexual affair at worst.

Your H is putting your relationship at risk and in the first instance should end all contact with the OW.

Dozer Wed 14-Dec-16 10:19:11

If it's innocent he should be happy to share the private chat messages.

Boredbeforeievenbegan Wed 14-Dec-16 10:21:20

Tell him to back off, his response will speak volumes.

HerOtherHalf Wed 14-Dec-16 10:22:48

Anyone, including your husband, should be able to understand that this level of involvement with another person of the opposite sex would make you uncomfortable, even if it is completely non-sexual. He shouldn't need anything more than the subtlest of hints to reduce it to a more appropriate relationship.

Mumof3dogs Wed 14-Dec-16 10:23:46

The messages I doubt I can see as he constantly clears the message history to save space in the phone apparently..hmmm

Summerlovinf Wed 14-Dec-16 10:25:11

Get him to show you the private chat

Summerlovinf Wed 14-Dec-16 10:26:51

Cross posted...hmm indeed...

FatOldBag Wed 14-Dec-16 10:28:09

You both need to reassess the importance of your marriage, and if you both want it to work, you both need to drop and block this friend. She is not a friend of the marriage and if he's not willing to choose you over her even though the marriage is suffering for it, then you're wasting your time being with him.

SassyPants19 Wed 14-Dec-16 10:33:41

I'd be very uncomfortable with this too. Time for a very honest sit down chat about the impact this ladies role is having on you personally. If he's not willing to discuss it or becomes very defensive I'd conclude there was something going on between them.

Mumof3dogs Wed 14-Dec-16 10:37:13

Thanks for the input so far folks it helps..
My children are uncomfortable with her influence and presence too and see how it upsets me .sad

SassyPants19 Wed 14-Dec-16 10:38:42

With your children feeling similar to yourself, it's time to act. This isn't just about you and your husband. That's mighty ammunition to start a conversation.

MinesAGin Wed 14-Dec-16 10:40:37

I think he has to go no-contact with her. It's completely inappropriate - she's acting as though she's married to him and vice versa.

Maudlinmaud Wed 14-Dec-16 10:46:25

Op I really wouldn't put up with that at all.
Time for a serious chat.

sorryIam Wed 14-Dec-16 10:46:58

She is not a friend to your marriage, I have been in a similar situation. It didn't end well. He needs to concentrate his energies on you not her. Sorry

Dozer Wed 14-Dec-16 10:48:59

If you are (allegedly) friends with her too then nothing at all stopping you from contacting her to say that you no longer wish to be friends or for her to be in contact with you. And from ceasing all contact that intrudes on your family life (ipad on skype in the living room -wtf!)

If he won't end contact immediately, and disclose the nature of his relationship with her, you would have more than enough reason to end the relationship.

xStefx Wed 14-Dec-16 10:49:08

You are his wife, and if something is upsetting you then you should be his first priority. Tell him exactly how you feel, if he loves you and there is nothing going on it shouldn't be a problem to cut her off (and I think that's what you need to do). If he refuses, then you have your answer. Can your children talk to your husband to back up how your feeling, doesn't sound like a good situation sorry OP :-( x

ElspethFlashman Wed 14-Dec-16 10:53:49

Are you in contact with her separately?

If so, there is nothing stopping you basically telling her that the kids are getting upset cos the level of contact looks inappropriate. Say that you know that she would never want to upset anyone and know she would want to be told.

Then sit back and see what happens.

Mumof3dogs Wed 14-Dec-16 10:58:37

I will have to step back and observe at the moment as she is visiting us after xmas - thankfully I made sure she was excluded from that our xmas .
I will be watching carefully over the visit, should be interesting as she now has a boyfriend who DH doesn't like (?) and the boyfriend is not keen on the contact between the 2 of them ..

ElspethFlashman Wed 14-Dec-16 11:02:09

No wonder boyfriend isn't keen. She and your husband are having an emotional affair.

Make him your ally. Tell him you're not keen either. He may be anyone persuade her to lessen contact.

That still leaves you with a DH who's a hurtful tosser unfortunately.

ElspethFlashman Wed 14-Dec-16 11:02:32

*be able to

Allalonenow Wed 14-Dec-16 11:09:51

Well he's certainly having an emotional affair with her, and I'd put money on it having gone much further than that.
His relationship with her is depriving you of the emotional currency that should be shared between a man and wife, you are getting the anger/resentment parts and she is getting the pleasure/happiness parts.

In truth, it doen't matter whether or not they are lovers, it should be enough that you are unhappy with the situation and their relationship. So him telling you nothing has happened they all say that doesn't change the fact that you are unhappy.

That he has been on holiday with her alone, that he hides his phone, etc etc all speak volumes, they are breaking so many boundaries.
You need to come to a decision about what you want and expect in your marriage and life. To me it seems as though you are at a major crossroads.

Dozer Wed 14-Dec-16 11:15:05

Cancel that visit for a start.

Dozer Wed 14-Dec-16 11:16:30

You don't need to have her to visit in order to observe them: you have more than enough information to see that their relationship is inappropriate, or an affair. Your DC are unhappy about it too.

Dozer Wed 14-Dec-16 11:16:59

If you live overseas and she has paid to come, that's tough!

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