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I suppose this is a step-parent issue...

(20 Posts)
MadMags Tue 13-Dec-16 18:00:57

But I want to just get it off my chest and move on!

DH has a long, toxic and headache-inducing history with his family. He is NC with them.

He has a dd in her 20s, with her own child.

I met DH when she was 7 and from that time, she knew the ins and outs of every conversation/argument/fight he had with his mother in particular.

His dad was physically and emotionally abusive. His mother is, IMO, a total narc who is both unhinged and extremely abusive.

Anyway, in the past he would argue with his mother about something mad that she instigated, then he'd get phonecalls from his ex and his dd saying how horrible he was, how upset MIL was and on and on...

I have 3 dc that none of them have anything to do with. MIL isn't interested, admitted a couple of years ago that she doesn't particular love him and wants nothing to do with him.

This wasn't exactly news to him though I'm sure it hurt.

Anyway, SD tried to make her grandma out to be a victim but he shut her down (huge deal, he never pulled her up on anything) and that was it...

Contact got less and less, and now they don't speak at all.

Now, (sorry for epic post), SD has in the past said awful things about me and my family and caused a lot of problems. I posted about them many moons ago on here and the consensus was always generally: she is the step, therefore never wrong.

I bit my tongue and forgave things I would never forgive from anyone else, because she is his child.

SO, she doesn't have contact with him and very sporadic with me, always instigated by me because I figured it was better to keep communication open.

Her son's birthday was the other day. She has ignored her sibling's birthdays.

So, they had moved house and I messaged weeks and weeks ago asking for reminder of new address to send gift. Message read, and ignored. Tried again, read and ignored...and on and on...

So, the other day I messaged (she doesn't answer the phone) happy birthday to John (not real name obv). And sorry it would be late but could i have details to send gift or would she rather cash. Ignored.

Eventually I asked had I missed something and the response was that she had ignored me on purpose because she didn't want me sending a gift, she wanted her dad to, but she's not speaking to her dad, but he should still prove that he cares...and she doesn't mind me being on her FB (for example) but she doesn't want to speak to me, or for me to send her child anything, or have anything to do with him...

I'm lost! Completely lost. She's in her 20s. I'm so tempted to tell her how fucking hurtful it's been for my children to be treated as though they don't exist by every last one of them. I'm tempted to tell her that it's pretty horrible to say I'm not allowed to send anything, but I can stay "FB friends" in case at some point in the future she decides to speak to me...

But, on the other hand, she is still his daughter and some sort of contact with one of us is better than none surely?

Ugh. It's just an all round fucked up situation. It's hard being in contact as it is because I see them all play happy families and know that my innocent dd have been rejected, but I've always thought it a small price to pay.

But it time to just delete, block and move on?

Am I not allowed to have feelings because I'm a step?


MotherOfBeagles Tue 13-Dec-16 18:06:53

Of course you are allowed feelings! I would say she's old enough and mature enough (in theory) to have a kid so now is most definitely the time to cut ties. Something along the lines of "sorry you feel that way, i will honour your wishes. But for any further contact please go through your father". I have a step dad and his daughter my step sister and their relationship has been similar but not as extreme as your partners and his daughter. My mum did exactly what your doing. But at about 20 my mum said enough was enough and since then honestly it's been so much better and my step sister has actually grown up so much and we have a much better relationship.

Don't put yourself through it anymore. She's old enough (and ugly enough as my grandma would say) to deal with the situation like an adult.

ChuckGravestones Tue 13-Dec-16 18:09:59

I agree. And ditch her from Facebook.

MadMags Tue 13-Dec-16 18:12:30

Do you really think I should?>

What if she never contacts us again though, and we have no idea how she is/what she's up to?

stitchglitched Tue 13-Dec-16 18:15:34

Sounds like you have done more than enough to try to keep the relationship going. I'd delete her and not bother anymore. It is up to her and her father how they deal with their relationship going forward, not your problem and your conscience should be clear.

MotherOfBeagles Tue 13-Dec-16 18:15:54

If she contacts you again let your dh lead with what he wants to do. Don't cut off and be rude, don't say don't want anything to do with her. Just say fine we will follow your wishes, but you are still dhs daughter and our kids sibling. But don't be a door mat. Don't let her demand gifts etc if she wants to reinstate contact and a relationship it has to be equal effort and input.

It'll be crap for you guys wondering how she is and that shows what good people you are. But in the end all she is doing using and abusing you so it's not a healthy relationship to pursue.

Hissy Tue 13-Dec-16 18:25:18

If she never contacts again, that's her decision.

It's nothing to do with anything you have or have not done.

Stop looking for her approval. Focus on your dc and know that stepdd presence is hardly positive in their lives either.

You have tried.

Your dh has the ability of contacting his dd if he wants to.

You've done way more than most. Perhaps it's time to let it go and see what she does when her brain starts to kick in.

JustSpeakSense Tue 13-Dec-16 18:31:31

You have tried your very best, she has made it very clear she wants no relationship from you.

I'd delete her number from my phone, block her on FB and move on. Concentrate on your own DC and your DH.

It is sad that it has turned out this way, but at least you know your tried all you could. The time has come to stop investing emotional energy here.

SandyY2K Tue 13-Dec-16 18:51:05

Of course you're allowed feelings and she was extremely rude, but I suspect she's had a large degree of parental alienation from her mum in respect of her dad.

I would delete, block and go total NC with her. You don't deserve that for just trying to be nice.

Enough is enough

WonderMike Tue 13-Dec-16 19:17:31

You delete and block her.

If your DH wants to have her on FB, then he can. He can make the effort - you don't have to.

MadMags Tue 13-Dec-16 20:22:03

I was honestly expecting to be flamed!

I guess you're all right. It's just...I don't like the idea of being married to a man who has nothing to do with his daughter! Silly, I know.

TempusEedjit Tue 13-Dec-16 22:46:31

But this is not a man who has nothing to do with his daughter because he doesn't give a monkeys. She is a fully grown adult with a child of her own so as long as his daughter knows where to contact him he should respect her wishes for the sake of everyone's mental health. What would be the benefit to anyone in this scenario if you or he keep pushing things?

SandyY2K Tue 13-Dec-16 23:51:05

Your step daughter has chosen to believe all the things her mother and Gran have said about her dad. You can't fix this. This is sadly what happens when one parent poisons their child against the other.

She's had this since she was a child and sadly, it's not really all her fault.

Maybe she thinks you prevented her parents from getting back together or just that she's heard a load of lies about you ... Either way, you've gone over and above to be friendly.

She wants her dad to reach out to her, but he's clearly worn down with it all and he won't. She might feel she was abandoned by your DH in favour of his new family.
She needs to get help for her issues, but you can't do anymore.

I trust she knows where you live if she wants to make contact with her dad. If you move house or he changes phone number, he can let her know, but you have done what you can.

Atenco Wed 14-Dec-16 04:11:01

Your step daughter has chosen to believe all the things her mother and Gran have said about her dad. You can't fix this. This is sadly what happens when one parent poisons their child against the other

My dd has a half-sister like this, mind you in their case they are not lies about the father, but lies about everyone else. It is such a shame, but what can you do?

Cherrysoup Wed 14-Dec-16 06:55:49

Ditch the contact. Why are you trying so hard? To be honest, I can see her being annoyed at your persistence when she's totally disinterested. She's made her stance more than clear, stop trying so hard.

magoria Wed 14-Dec-16 07:32:51

I think what MotherofBeagles says is the right sort of thing.

I am sorry you feel that way, I will respect your decision, I love you, your siblings & I are always here if you want to find us in the future.

Don't speak for your DH. To be honest he is an adult if he can't be bothered to make an effort with his own DD then that is between the pair of them.

MadMags Wed 14-Dec-16 09:56:31

To be honest, I can see her being annoyed at your persistence when she's totally disinterested. She's made her stance more than clear, stop trying so hard.

Except that in the past, she has blown up because I haven't bothered enough, in her opinion.

You're all right. I will just stop. And await the abusive texts, letters, emails about how I've turned by back on her and her child...

I will block. But they know where I live!

Hissy Fri 16-Dec-16 14:39:19

Just let it go to dots

Unless she's abusive in which case send her a screen shot of her "don't contact me again" text and say that you've tried, but that banging your head over and over again isn't going to continue.

She's old enough to know better, she knows where her dad is, she knows where you are, if she fancies having a proper relationship with respect and love she knows where to find you.

Softkitty2 Fri 16-Dec-16 19:50:22

You have tried your best and have been met with contempt. Ignore, delete and block from social media. Life is too short to be forcing relationships with people who do not want to reciprocate. Focus on your children and know that they have all they need in the world.
Stay away and get rid of the drama. Its boring, unnecessary and emotionally draining. I think you can happily tell yourself that you have made an effort and the ball is now in her court.

MadMags Fri 16-Dec-16 20:53:12

You're absolutely right.

I think my default has been she's the child so you kind of have to put up and shut up. But actually, she's an adult woman. And I need to respect her wishes.

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