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At rock bottom- 2 years thrown away on a text

(429 Posts)

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yestocarrots Sun 11-Dec-16 22:05:34

Just hoping for a bit of a hand hold. Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling very bleak right now and have no one to talk to. Please, someone, sanity check me. I am reeling from a turn of events that has put me into a depression worse than any I've experienced in a while.

My ex partner was an army guy. We lived quite separate lives because he was posted the other side of the country to my city, but we saw each other most weekends. He has known my dd since she was tiny (she's now 2). Been a dad to her in every way, it was like we were a family. We argued quite a lot always about the same things- he didn't communicate much at all during the week, often would only text, and would get angry and belligerent if I expressed a wish for this to change. I wasn't perfect- I had bad PND and would get very emotional in conflicts which seemed to frustrate him. I was working full time in a demanding job and running a home and being a single parent and I know I took shit out on him. But I also loved him deeply. Showed it in any ways I could. Keeping the house lovely for when he came, making plans for days out and little holidays, putting on Xmas for him including a stocking and a sack of gifts, sending him packages, kept myself available for him basically every weekend and never asked for more than just more contact in the week (which frankly he never made the effort to change.) Earlier this year he was posted abroad at very short notice. I was devastated and scared but we both mutually agreed we would not let it break us. Both of us were in bits the day he left.
Then it all fell apart. While he was away I got so used to us not being able to communicate at all, I just sort of shut down. But my eating disorder and depression came back with a vengeance. My periods stopped entirely and I nearly lost my job through stress. I found it impossible coping with work, health and my toddler, I missed my best friend and partner so much. I sent him packages but it was all I could do. I had bought him special notepaper to write to me and he never did, when I asked him to once he snapped and ridiculed me as he thought it was such a trivial thing for me to want. When I finally confessed I wasn't coping and didn't know how to deal, told him my health was deteriorating and I just needed to know a rough time of when he would be back, or needed some more support (I don't really have any IRL and I didn't get support from the army as we weren't married.) he was furious when I said all this. Accused me of breaking up with him, saying I had no empathy for the stressful situation he was in, was so angry it shocked and hurt me to the core. It was like the more upset I was the more angry he was. After a week or so of this I suggested we go on a break til he got back as the miscommunication seemed tto be so damaging (I now deeply regret this as feel it was selfish but literally at the time I couldn't stand this anger coming from him and the fact that in fact he had no empathy for me.)
Within a month he had a date to return to the UK. I asked how/when I could come and meet him off the plane at the base. He never got round to letting me know- he was too busy apparently. He didn't let me know he was back in the UK til he had been there almost a week. He then asked on the Wednesday if I was free on the Friday to meet and talk. I had a work commitment I couldn't get out of and said I couldn't, but asked how he was and how the journey was. His response- "Are you serious?! All that bullshit about priorities and you won't meet me. Bye then". I immediately replied asking why we couldn't do the weekend instead. He simply replied "don't bother contacting me again." All by text. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe he did that. A month later he still hadnt come to his sense. I was missing him terribly but so hurt from his text I hadn't contacted him. Finally got up the courage and texted him. He responded so furiously and verbally abusively and yet we ended up sleeping together twice, him telling me one minute that I had hurt him so much and was a shit person with no empathy, then next that he loved me and was sorry i suffered so much when he was away. I was so confused about how he twisted it into me having done something unforgivable by not being able to see him when he decided I should. After 2 weeks of hell he texted me to tel me he would be no worse off if he ever saw me again. I've been bereft all over again. Calling him in tears- sometimes he answers and is reassuring, sometimes he won't answer but sends angry texts. Texting him how much I love and miss him, how sorry I am for what I did and begging him to see me. He has stopped responding altogether. I just don't know what to do. My dd calls him daddy- he said in a year it would be like he had never existed to her. I miss him so much, I can't bear how this has played out. I feel racked with guilt. I just want him to understand why I shut him out. I'm still having tests for my lack of periods, I'm still suffering terribly with my bulimia but he just accuses me of having no empathy and making his life hell. I feel so guilty I want to just hurt myself.

Sorry- I know it was long. I just need someone to tell me I didn't deserve this. He slept with me and told me he loved me just 2 weeks ago. I just want to curl up and cry. 2 years meant nothing to him in the end.

TimidLividyetagain Sun 11-Dec-16 22:13:46

This isn't your fault ,if you weren't in the middle of living it, you would see from what you have written here that he is a cruel person, everything on his terms and I hope it gets better for you. You don't need him causing you so much pain, he isn't good enough he isn't treating you well and splitting up over and over with you is childish and nasty. It's not you it is him

HeavenlyEyes Sun 11-Dec-16 22:15:06

Sorry - but he sounds bloody awful and abusive possibly too. To not contact you at all when you are aprt is just terrible! Please don't contact him ever again. You deserve so much better than anything he will ever offer you.

BumDNC Sun 11-Dec-16 22:15:40

You don't deserve this but I am going to be harsh with you for your DD's sake

She needs a mother. You have to pull yourself out of this for her. She should be your focus.

He's not her father and this was not an ideal situation for her to believe that he was. She will probably not remember him but you need to remove yourself from this toxic relationship. He treats you like crap and you just keep running back begging for more. You are worth more than this. You are not setting a good example to your daughter at all. Relationships are built on trust and respect and this relationship has neither. Stop throwing yourself at him and work on getting well again.

You can do it, don't lose your job and your sanity over a selfish man baby. Your baby needs you

tribpot Sun 11-Dec-16 22:17:00

I'm not sure why you think prolonging a relationship with this head fuck specialist will bring you anything but further pain? Yes, you'll get a 'hit' of the high for the brief period whilst he's being nice to you in order to get you to sleep with him, then it'll be back to punishing you for what seems like a fairly reasonable decision to take a break whilst he was abroad. Neither of you was in a position to help the other with your respective problems whilst he was overseas.

Ever since then he has been punishing you and you've been letting him.

You need to focus on your own mental health and in building a support network that doesn't rely on any one person, let alone someone as toxic as he seems to be. Your relationship sounds incredibly claustrophobic and is clearly not benefiting you.

Block him - contact with him is only damaging you. What treatment are you getting for your bulimia?

yestocarrots Sun 11-Dec-16 22:17:44

Just to clarify I don't mean we couldn't communicate at all when he was posted abroad just that it was literally a text or so every few days. I have to believe him that that was how it had to be due to his job but I just couldn't cope. We did text a few times week but did not really do calls. I still feel so angry at myself for not being stronger. I'm sure other army partners would have been ok. I don't know if he should have reacted differently to me expressing my needs. I feel so guilty.

Flisspaps Sun 11-Dec-16 22:19:18

Don't feel guilty. He sounds like a grade a cunt.

BumDNC Sun 11-Dec-16 22:19:20

You are obsessed with him and this guilt in a really unhealthy way. He doesn't care about you or DD. You seem to only care about him. Who is caring for you and DD in the meantime?

Misspilly88 Sun 11-Dec-16 22:21:40

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologise for and nothing to blame yourself for. Do you think he might have experienced some trauma whilst on posting?

BumDNC Sun 11-Dec-16 22:24:08

Even if he has experienced trauma in his job he is basically expecting you to not bother him with your problems because they 'stress him out'. He doesn't want to deal with your issues so he's trying to stop you from bothering him with them. He can only see his own. You can't make someone feel empathy

statetrooperstacey Sun 11-Dec-16 22:26:51

Oh good lord, read what you have just written! He's appalling. In literally every way. He is absolutely playing you. He is deliberately playing games with you. Can't you see that? He is blatantly keeping you dangling and on your toes.
You are 100% not this mans only girlfriend. Please believe that.
Squaddies are like prisoners, they generally make a lot of effort when they are away, letters, drawings, flowers, emails. He doesn't care and he's horrible. I have never seen another op that has actually made me feel so angry. Please bin him. Please. He is messing with your head and enjoying it.

midsummabreak Sun 11-Dec-16 22:27:45

His loss. Imagine a lifetime of absent husband, absent parent behaviour like this, not to mention ongoing lack of empathy and miscommunications. Agree with heavenly & timid, you have so much more to give than he ever could. He sounds selfish and belittling of your feelings. He is very much a 'take my way or take the highway' person The only way is up after being with him It's hard to let go, but you need to close the door shut to that relationship, so you can open another

lookatyourwatchnow Sun 11-Dec-16 22:35:39

OP, in the kindest way, if you don't pull yourself together you are only going to draw out the agony for yourself. You're never going to stop feeling like this until you break away from him completely. He's NEVER going to treat you well or respect you, and even if he did 'forgive' you (for what?) he will continue to treat you like shit anyway. You're wasting your life pining over this twat who isn't giving you a second thought unless it's to torture you with a few text messages when he's at a loose end

yestocarrots Sun 11-Dec-16 22:41:27

I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else, I know it's stupid. I found out recently that he stayed with an ex-ex-girlfriend just 2 weeks after he initially got back to the UK and dumped me. I'm so confused by how it all happened. I know I should have made time to meet him that Friday but at the time I never thought he just wouldn't agree to see me on a different day. That's been a major accusation he keeps throwing at me and I feel like it's all my fault. He can't see that he was unreasonable. Some tell me he is an abuser some tell me he just must have got sick of me being high maintenance. Either way I still love him and the sex recently brought back all kinds of feelings. He's now dropped completely off the radar for the first time ever. I'm sure there is someone else and it makes me physically hurt.
Thank you all for your replies. It really, really helps to tell this story and get some objectivity.

BumDNC Sun 11-Dec-16 22:42:49

You aren't focusing on you. You need to. Urgently. You are unwell and this man is bad for you in so many ways

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 11-Dec-16 22:45:08

He sounds like a shocking bully. I'm glad that your daughter is only 2, she won't remember him as she grows up. He isn't and never was 'daddy to her. Little girls call any man 'daddy' but will readily accept being corrected. I know that's been a huge draw for you but it's false so please don't let the thought of him as a 'daddy' back in your head.

I'm sorry that you are in a lot of pain but it was inevitable. He's no good for you and has absolutely no respect for you. I shuddered at your 'surrendered wife' routine that you seemed to fall into without any input or commitment from him.

I'm so glad for you that you aren't married to this pig. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, it feels like your world is ending but it really isn't. Please block him and stop texting him, delete all methods of contact and give yourself some time to come to terms with the ending of this abusive and horrible relationship.

None of this was your fault, you deserved better - and your daughter certainly does. It's over and now is the time for you to heal yourself without this waste of space bully in both of your lives.

Call on friends and family to help you through and, if you don't have those, then just keep posting. You'll get similar responses from everybody, I think, because none of us wants you to be in a relationship with somebody so aggressive and potentially violent.

You've got lucky OP, you just don't know it yet. Get him out of your head and keep him out of your life and your daughter's.

BumDNC Sun 11-Dec-16 22:45:17

He's a manipulative fucker. He's emotionally abusive and manipulative. He's tried to force you into some bland woman who can serve his needs and meet none of yours. Who will just wait at home for him with a smile on your face and dinner ready and never rock the boat. It's all totally unrealistic and the reality of real life and a real person with feelings and the responsibility of a relationship is not what he wants

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 11-Dec-16 22:46:16

He used you for the sex. He could see that you were vulnerable, upset and hurting - and he still did it. He doesn't care a jot about you. Vile excuse for a man.

BlueFolly Sun 11-Dec-16 22:48:06

It's not two years thrown away. It's two years spent on a relationship that, whilst it might have been good for a while, has now had its day.

EweAreHere Sun 11-Dec-16 22:49:25

Oh honey. Please, please, please pick up your phone and delete his number from it. Block him. This isn't healthy. You are longing for someone who treats you terribly and is intentionally hurtful towards you. You do not want this person in your life, in your daughter's life. Please let him go.

As another poster said, you need to focus on you and your daughter. She needs you.

I hope you can find someone to talk to about how to move on. I think you need to. Please look after yourself.

ZippyNeedsFeeding Sun 11-Dec-16 22:49:46

War doesn't seem to leave anybody untouched and some damage/trauma is almost inevitable. That deserves compassion and needs treatment. The problem is, he wasn't treating you wonderfully well before he went off on active service, was he? So this isn't just post traumatic stress, it's an arsehole doing what an arsehole does.

You need to cut all ties, change your mobile number and work on building a life for you and your child. This man is not your future. Unfortunately I've seen this before (military family going back several generations) and I'm sure others have too. The end is going to be miserable, but there is no happiness for you here, until you break away and stop clinging to the dream you have built up about him and your future life together.

SandyFeet177 Sun 11-Dec-16 22:52:03

He clearly isn't as invested in this relationship as you are. I hope you do move on, for your own and your daughter's sake, this sort of relationship will make you a nervous wreck. It's so one sided and it sounds like he's manipulative, when he feels like it. You deserve better, you deserve to not do all the running, to be in a relationship where you both love each other. If he wanted to call, he would, if he wanted to reassure you, he could - it doesn't come across that it sounds like he does. Again, you deserve more than this and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

PoldarksBreeches Sun 11-Dec-16 22:52:49

You're co dependent and he's a shit. You need therapy for yourself ASAP to disentangle why you feel so devastated that he's rejected you. You were certainly very intense and needy while he was away which is your co dependency in action and now you are talking about not being able to cope without him. This isn't normal or healthy. Please get yourself some therapy.

ddrmum Sun 11-Dec-16 22:52:54

OP just to add to many other up thread. Your baby needs you, not this headfuck who picked you up and dropped you off at whim.
He's truly awful and very cruel. Sorry but He probably is with someone else, people like that need constant attention but it will always be on his terms. Why should you have put him before your job? He would still treat you exactly the same.
Read your op and pretend it's your friend/sister and think how you would advise them.
You are an independent lady with a lovely DC who has had a very lucky escape. Concentrate on yourself and DD.
Delete his number/email etc and cut contact with him immediately. Be kind to yourself.

AbernathysFringe Sun 11-Dec-16 22:57:25

Fucking hell, you weren't high maintenance, you were making all the effort and begging for scraps of acknowledgement in return which he wouldn't give you. It's good your daughter is young enough that she should forget him. You'll find it hard at first, but it will get better! Really you were putting so much in and getting almost nothing back - not the way it should be.

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