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Absent family playing on my mind

(5 Posts)
user1481316801 Fri 09-Dec-16 21:04:35

Hello Mumsnetters!
I'm new to Mumsnet but I thought this would be the perfect place to ask for advice from others who might be in a similar situation.
Basically when my daughter was born just over a year ago my family came to see her, unfortunately my family are unable to be civil even in this scenario and so after a 48 hr stint in labour my sister in particular insisted on being rude to my Dad and my Mum didn't even show up. This made my blood boil on what should have been the happiest day of my life, so a few weeks later I told them so, I told them that they way they acted was not ok and had really upset myself and my Dad.
Hardly to my surprise as we had an on off relationship anyway both my mum and my sister then distanced themselves from me completely and turned a lot of my family against me even though all I asked was that they were civil in front of my young daughter to avoid dragging her down with family politics at such a young age!
Since then I have heard nothing, not a peep from either of them, until my Mum posted a photo of my daughter from her first birthday on her public social network page, which I am blocked from seeing (my partner isn't)
Anyway, now that a year has passed I am beginning to feel guilty, they have missed a year of my daughter's life, my partner doesn't think I should feel guilty and doesn't believe either of them deserve a second chance after all they have chosen to keep their distance and say silent.
Am I doing the right thing giving them space? Has anyone else found it difficult to stay estranged from close immediate members?
Thanks in advance ladies! Looking forward to hearing your advice/ stories smile

Vonnie2016 Fri 09-Dec-16 22:46:20

Hi!!
I can relate to some extent. I went NC with my M and SD just over 18 months ago. It's a long story but after years of crap I had just had enough.
Even though I know I was right to not see them again or have them in my DCS lIves, yes I do sometimes think about them and do feel guilty.
But then I remember why I didn't want them being toxic around my DC. My M has attempted many many times to be back in the kids lives, but there is always a guilt trip at end of any reach out to us.
So I just ignore.
The way I see OP is that it is them who are missing out on your DC, is life easier without all he drama? Or do you want to make contact again?
It is perfectly normal to feel guilt and doubt about things like this but is it enouh for you to want to start building a relationship with them?
It is a tricky one though, I get that. flowers

PinkFluffiUnicorn Fri 09-Dec-16 23:15:07

I had a similar situation with my biological father, he was an alcoholic,generally controlling and mentally abusive, but a general conversation about being civil with us all led to him storming off in a huff. Not sure what clicked, but I just decided I wasn't having anymore of what he was handing out, I was pregnant with dd3, she is now 11, he has never met her & I honestly couldn't care if he's alive or dead? I don't feel anything, no hate, no love and no guilt. Make sure it's not just guilt & or expectation that's making you want to get back in touch, & be prepared to walk away.

pallasathena Sat 10-Dec-16 07:23:01

I'd keep to the original plan if I were you. Your relatives are toxic . They have form for behaving disgracefully even in the presence of a new baby. You don't need, want or deserve that type of unstable behaviour in your life or in the life of your child so I'd advise maintaining a level of cool distance: polite, non committal and uncompromising.
Secondly, it's almost Christmas. Its that time of year again when the mind and the emotions turn to all things family related. Except that for so many people in our society, the 'togetherness', that the season is supposed to represent just doesn't exist.
Its a myth.
And that can leave you feeling a bit bereft because you feel you're not fitting in with the stereotype.
I'd also add that I have found that the cooler, more distant, more detached I am with certain people (including toxic family members), the more respect I seem to get.
Wish I'd known that a long time ago in the days when I could've won medals for people pleasing.
i'd keep on keeping on if I were you.

user1481316801 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:32:29

Thanks so much ladies for your responses it took me a while to find my post again being new to Mumsnet I'm still getting to grips with the site haha
It's good and sad to know that I'm not the only one but also it's nice to know you think I am doing the right thing. I chose not to get in touch over Christmas, new year was difficult as my partner thinks maybe I should give my sister another chance and maintain distance from my Mum but as I'm sure you can appreciate that is near on impossible especially when they live in the same house!
I'm just going to keep on keeping on for my own sake!
Thanks again girls! xoxo

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