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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Interfering mil

116 replies

mum19821985 · 09/12/2016 18:42

I am going to kill mil tonight! Mil came over today to look after the kids while hubby and I went shopping. I came home and a few minutes after she left I noticed our windowsill looked suspiciously clean and tidy. It's normally covered in paperwork/letters etc. There was a small pile of papers but nothing else. I am going on a spa day so which I was telling mil about this morning. The vouchers and booklet was amongst the paperwork. I looked through it all finding nothing. Looked through all the bins, all through the house, eventually finding the voucher in the kitchen bin underneath loads of food!! I am furious! Voucher was a birthday present off a friend (not cheap) and you can't go without it. I think it was so out of order for her to go through all my stuff like that. Other bits of papers/booklets/leaflets were also in the bin. I wouldn't dream of going into someone's house and chucking away their stuff. Even if it looks like junk!

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fc301 · 09/12/2016 20:09

Weird? The food bin? Sounds like sabotage? Wld she do something deliberately nasty??
If not she is still way out of line and needs telling.

jeaux90 · 09/12/2016 20:24

I'd be fuming

Lireal · 09/12/2016 20:31

Are you sure kids didn't put it in the bin. My 2yo occasionally does this. Depends on the age of your kids.
I would phone her and ask her outright.

happychristmasbum · 09/12/2016 20:54

Does she generally have issues about you going off and enjoying yourself?

It doesn't sound accidental if it was buried under a load of rotting food in the bin - surely if she were tidying away (which she has no right to do anyway) she would have put any paper or card in the recycling - where you would be able to see and retrieve it?

Funny you were only telling her about the spa day this morning isn't it?

pinkyredrose · 09/12/2016 21:03

I'd go postal! Have you asked her why she did it?

mum19821985 · 09/12/2016 21:54

I don't think it was my kids as the whole windowsill had been tidied and was clear. She's re-arranged, moved and re-organised my stuff before. I don't know if it was deliberate or not. The voucher was folded in half and could have looked like a plain piece of paper however it was not her place to go through my stuff. I am so furious right now. I can't trust myself to text her right now.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2016 21:55

Where is your DH in all this, he needs to speak to his mother and now.

mum19821985 · 09/12/2016 21:56

I'm tempted to text asking if she's moved any paperwork and I'll say I'm missing the voucher. I'll act innocent and just ask if she's put it anywhere else.

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mum19821985 · 09/12/2016 21:58

He is not backing me up at all. He thinks I'm over reacting and apparently it's my fault for being so messy. 😡

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2016 22:02

Sounds like he is both unable and unwilling to stand up for you here when it comes to his mother. You have a DH problem as well as a problem with his mother.

How do you get along with her in any case?

I would find alternative childcare as a matter of course in future, she is not fundamentally trustworthy.

mum19821985 · 09/12/2016 22:05

DH is incredibly close to his mum. She can do no wrong in his eyes. I love my husband but he is a mummys boy. It's been the biggest problem in our marriage and the cause of most arguments.

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mum19821985 · 09/12/2016 22:06

I am composing a text right now. Advice on what to say please? Thanks!

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Sparkletastic · 09/12/2016 22:09

"Hi thanks for looking after the kids. Really worried as can't find my spa voucher which is worth £x - have you seen it?"

mum19821985 · 09/12/2016 22:11

So far I have thanked her for childcare and asked her if she happened to move any paperwork from the windowsill?

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mum19821985 · 09/12/2016 22:11

Thanks sparkle tastic

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ThisThingCalledLife · 09/12/2016 22:37

Nasty cow, she did it deliberately!

Sounds to me like she's trying to cause arguments in your relationship with dp - again.
She's using the excuse of cleaning to shame you and to ruin a good experience for you.

Thinkingblonde · 10/12/2016 00:01

Hi MIL, thanks for looking after the kids tonight, however I noticed that you'd cleaned and tidied the window sill, it looks like you've 'tidied' a voucher for a spa day away. The voucher was a birthday present from a dear friend. You wouldn't happen to know where you put it? To avoid this happening again I think it's best if you leave the cleaning and tidying to me from now on, what looks like random pieces of paper to you are important to me

holeinmyheart · 10/12/2016 02:20

I think you need to be truthful and tell her face to face, not with a text. A face to face is much harder but much less open to misinterpretation.
Also, search your soul honestly and ask yourself if you wouldn't want to have a 'go' at her because your husband loves her so much, and is reluctant to take sides.
My husband wouldn't take sides either and I was jealous of his Mum. Now I am a Mum and MIL, I am glad that my boys love me lots. Personally I wouldn't go through my DILs stuff and she was wrong to do it, but
the outcome of this human drama now depends on what you want to happen, really.
I think it is possible to tell her honestly what you feel and still retain a relationship.
You have to keep to the 'I' word as in ' I feel sad that you felt that my house needed tidying. Rather than the 'you' word as in ' What the F do you think you are doing coming into my house and throwing my stuff away?

End with ' I am sure that we both really want to get on with each other and have a good relationship based on mutual respect'

Then, if she has any sense she will apologise, and life goes on ......

Good luck.

happychristmasbum · 10/12/2016 08:22

DH is incredibly close to his mum. She can do no wrong in his eyes. I love my husband but he is a mummys boy. It's been the biggest problem in our marriage and the cause of most arguments.

This is your problem isn't it?

If your DH is more worried about upsetting MIL than upsetting you, even when she is clearly in the wrong, then he is your problem.

I appreciate coincidences happen, but hand on heart, is it possible she did this deliberately after you discussed the spa day with her, and went out? It sounds to me like she looked for it and hid it away, using the "tidying" as a ruse. I don't care how untidy your papers are, it's none of her business to go through them.

How would DH react if your mother went through his personal papers? Took something high value of his and binned it? I would send thinkingblonde text. If Dh doesn't back you though, what will you do?

TaintForTheLikesOfWe · 10/12/2016 08:29

Wow. It has to be deliberate and she knows her son will back her. I had this years ago with a work colleague. She took my keys and hid them. I found them after four hours of looking in a place they could not have got on their own. I told her I knew she did it on purpose and not to expect any sort of favours form me ever. It stopped the weirdness (there was a fair lot of other stuff too) and we rub along OK now - just.
I wouldn't want MIL in the house if she's going to do stuff like this :(

Thinkingblonde · 10/12/2016 08:58

From now on, if I were you, I'd get myself a lockable box or file of some kind in which to keep my private papers etc away from prying eyes 👀 and fingers and leave it on the windowsill. . I know you should be able to leave things out and trust they would remain untouched but you can't trust her especially if she's done it before.

mum19821985 · 10/12/2016 08:58

It's not the first time she has moved stuff etc. After I had my first born, I came home from hospital to find the kitchen had been rearranged. Drove me crazy! Also a few hours after I had my second she was going through drawers of baby clothes in the living room that I had spent ages organising and pulled them all out and left them all on the livingroom floor. Kept having to get up and put them back despite being in a lot of pain!

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happychristmasbum · 10/12/2016 09:04

Or get someone who lives Far away (preferably in Forrin) to send you house details, and then hide them in the middle of stacks of papers where she couldn't possibly see them unless she was snooping.

Seriously though, you shouldn't have to stoop. She has to stop this, it's at best meddling and annoying, and at worst, malicious.

mum19821985 · 10/12/2016 09:05

I don't think she binned the voucher on purpose tbh as she had cleared the windowsill to put up christmas decorations for my kids but this is something I was going to do in a few days. It looks like she grabbed papers/leaflets and what looked like junk mail and binned it. The voucher was among that. Still very out of order and not up to her what I keep and throw. If I hadn't found that voucher it could have caused a lot of embarrassment between my friend and I. It was an expensive present. It was odd that I showed her the leaflet etc just before I left. Really hoping it wasn't deliberate

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mum19821985 · 10/12/2016 09:09

I sent her a text asking if she had seen the voucher as it was missing. She replied saying that she had just moved my paperwork to one side and denied doing anything else. Grrr

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