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Can't stop fantasising about men who are NOT my dh

(13 Posts)
Mamaka Wed 07-Dec-16 13:44:44

Been married nearly 6 years, 2 young dc. Had a very stormy marriage so far although it is calming down and I'm starting to feel we may make it.
Libido has been completely dead since having my eldest (4.5). I've been having duty sex (not coerced) and really not enjoying it. Thought I was asexual for a while!

Suddenly and out of nowhere, my libido has returned with a bang. But sadly not directed towards my dh (although he is the one benefitting from it). Practically any man that walks past me at the moment, I feel attracted to. I keep fantasising about the handyman who has been working on things around our house for the last 4 weeks. While having sex last night I had him in my head from start to finish. I feel really guilty about this as if I was having an emotional affair.

I think I have two questions:
how to redirect this sudden return of libido towards my dh?
And is fantasising about other people verging on adultery?!

TheNaze73 Wed 07-Dec-16 13:54:51

Fantasising is certainly not cheating if it remains just that. 99% of men are thinking about Emily Blunt or their secretary whilst DTD.
Just dont cross the line & enjoy having your libido back

Mamaka Wed 07-Dec-16 14:01:03

"99% of men are thinking about Emily Blunt or their secretary whilst DTD."

Really?! I'd be so hurt if I knew my dh was doing this! And it's hardly an intimate act of love if each person is visualising someone else!

LucyLocketLostIt Wed 07-Dec-16 14:02:53

I don't think fantasising is cheating either.

Adora10 Wed 07-Dec-16 14:04:57

I wouldn't worry but it does sound a tad extreme lol.

I've been having duty sex (not coerced) and really not enjoying it.

This is very sad to read, please DON'T do something you do not enjoy.

Mamaka Wed 07-Dec-16 14:05:22

Just to clarify - I don't actually think fantasising is cheating but I do feel guilty and like I'm deceiving my dh. He thinks suddenly everything is wonderful between us (when there are still loads of issues) and is being really loving and affectionate, which is nice but I feel like I've tricked him.

Dadaist Wed 07-Dec-16 22:27:54

To be honest Mamaka - I don't think your guilt is about the secret day dream fantasies, so much as it is about the secret that you have lost your attraction to DH. We're all entitled to a private day dream - but I think that your reawakened libido has made you feel guilty precisely because it's not aimed at DH. Of course it's good that he is benefitting at least - but if you really don't want to feel guilty then it may be worth exploring what you can do to rekindle those feelings for DH. I wonder has he put on weight, or more careless over personal hygiene, or no longer making an effort? Or are maybe you harbour some resentments that get in the way of feeling fully connected? You say there are loads of issues and you feel as though you have 'tricked' him. Well in a way, you are deceiving or confusing him. Often times, people here will rightly say that if someone has a grievance or a problem then it isn't fair to not raise it, and then engage in something they shouldn't because of something they've never mentioned.
You've not done anything yet - but you've thought about it, without addressing things in your marriage.
My point is that it's clear that you still want to be married, and it's clear that it's not as if you can't bear to have sex with him! So there are things you can do to try and maybe align your increased desire with the person you are in a relationship with. And if there are things he can do, I'm sure he'd be interested to change, if he thought it would stimulate more interest from you. It would be tricking him to not try wouldn't it? I hope you can improve things- good luck!

Mamaka Wed 07-Dec-16 23:45:57

Dadaist - I think your first sentence is spot on.
I have however tried to address things with dh, repeatedly, to no (or very little) avail. Crisis hit in March when I threw him out and he came back a few weeks later promising change. Some change has happened but not enough. Parenting your partner is NOT SEXY. I cannot stress this enough.
I'm still a bit stuck on how I can redirect my libido to my dh and tone down the panting at every male passer by...

Dadaist Thu 08-Dec-16 17:34:08

Hi Mamaka
Well you're said yourself it's been stormy but calming down. You know I really wouldn't be surprised if the extra bedroom activity makes a positive difference to his efforts to make changes. The question is perhaps, if he can change, whether you can forgive him and try to build something better? You've hinted that he is being parented by you. NO - not sexy! Stop that immediately!!
I think you need to start seeing him as a person again. He wouldn't die without you, he's not a baby, he managed to stay alive while you were separated. But NOW is the time to communicate some of these things - not as criticism (really important that bit!) but as a need for genuine partnership. And encouuragwment also (yes sugar not just vinegar!) when he gets it right. Most men want to be men not children - but many find it easy to default to allowing wives to direct their home environment. Leave him with the kids for a few days - he will pick it up - he will get it and he might surprise you!?

HandyWoman Thu 08-Dec-16 17:49:39

He thinks suddenly everything is wonderful between us when there are still loads of issues.

Will this would kill my attraction too. It's not that difficult to see why you aren't feeling it for him.

Parenting him - good grief, yuck, no, just no.

Mamaka Fri 09-Dec-16 00:11:07

Hmm I'm not convinced that most men want to be men not children but you and I can agree to disagree ;)

Still squirming with lust at any male that passes me by. It's beginning to be a massive distraction.

Dadaist Fri 09-Dec-16 09:02:10

There's your problem right there Mamaka - you don't respect him. That's a huge passion killer. At some level he's allowed you to take the lead - and you resent him for it, but you can't give him back control. But if he doesn't know this he doesn't stand a chance does he?
Maybe when he finds out about your feelings toward him compared to your feelings toward other men, he will gain the strength to man up again and take control of his life?

Mamaka Fri 30-Dec-16 13:00:44

Just thought I'd rekindle this thread as I've just received a text from the handyman I was fantasising about and it's made me weak at the knees again. All it said was happy Christmas mamaka!

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