I think I've gone and done it - told the sod to fuck right off

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Nervewracked - just lost my cool and told him to fuck right off. Have collected necessary documents and passports, ds birth certificate and locked myself in ds room. Stupid to do it in middle of night but when I lose it I lose it big time.

His idea of trying to make up to me that he had an affair (emotional and probably physical, who even cares) for over a year, missing our ds 2nd birthday and so on is that:
a) my life has changed so much since I found out which I should be grateful for - by this he means he sort of does a share of the parenting and I'm no longer doing 24/7 for ds as I was before I found out about the affair and that ds now goes to preschool (which company pays for since we're on expat assignment).
B) he "pays" for everything, so I should be happy I get to go on trips to see my family - aside from the fact I gave up my phd and moved away from all my friends and half my family to follow his career that he insisted he wanted to the US where I never wanted to live in the first place but I should feel fucking grateful he "pays" for me to see my family. and that if we didn't move to the states I would have my own fucking income.

Thanks for listening. Needed to rant - so much more I could say. Sitting here shaking while ds sleeps. Gonna be a long night.

[ImYourMama]

Good for you!! Stay strong and know that you've done the right thing, you're a Mum protecting her son from a twunt and a woman demanding better for herself- you should be damn proud

[mumonashoestring]

Well done you! Rant away if it helps, but try to keep a bit of perspective in there too - if anything so you don't end up exhausting yourself and losing momentum! Do you have access to travel funds or emergency funds?

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Feel better just having said it... That's telling me something.

No immediate worries re money. Lovely friend pointed out to me week after I found out I should protect my half of the money so put that in my own account immediately. Have just moved a further portion to keep it at half.

Just fed up of giving him a chance to show he's changed his attitude and getting this shit back.

Feel bad cos I was hoping I could hold out and give ds one last really good family Xmas (I'm very good at putting this stuff aside for his sake).

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Urgh can't bloody sleep now and I need my head on straight to sort things out tomorrow and not crash the car when I'm driving.

[mumonashoestring]

I know it sounds cliche, but mindfulness - concentrate on something fairly trivial like the way your bedcovers feel under your hands; texture, temperature, creases, every time your thoughts start drifting, pull them back to that sensation. After a while your mind will start to calm a bit and resting (if not actually sleeping) will become easier.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Gotta love it - he's just sent me an email telling me I didn't have his "permission" to move the other bit of my half of the money from the joint account into my own account. Sort of like how he didn't have my permission to spend family money on holidays with his girlfriend.

[mumonashoestring]

Aww, precious... Good thing you already knew he was a total cockend so it didn't come as a shock, eh?

Don't respond, that'll drive him far battier than anything you could possibly say - keep the email though. If there's any chance of you getting some rest put your phone on flight mode and leave him to stew in silence.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

My bad. I've jumped the gun and now he's going to be an asshole about ds (not totally unexpected either). He's going to learn very quickly that I've got my mothers genes.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Are you in the US at the moment? Are you wanting to re establish residency in the U.K.?

If so, he may decide to block you and if you attempt to go, he could try to pin abduction charges on you. Better to calm down, pretend all is ok, plan your escape in a few months.

Otherwise, you're potentially stuck in the US until your ds is old enough.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Mummyoflittledragon - Unfort yes he's already come to that conclusion. Which is fine cos I wasn't planning to rush off that quickly anyway and if he wants to take this tack, he will find out exactly what I'm made of. Normally I don't let anyone take the piss and I've let him do it far too long.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Good luck then in however you decide to play it. Personally I'd back down and go home for a holiday and establish residency in the U.K. If you can.

I say that as a top feisty bitch. I love the quote "Don't get mad, get everything."

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

This was coming sooner or later, so not mad. He's got another thing coming if he thinks he's coming out of this all rosy smelling.

[toptoe]

Find out if your young ds' place of residency is US or UK as you can't leave country of residency if one parent disagrees. Part of the hague convention to prevent dc being taken by one parent to another country.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

toptoe - yes already found all that out. Unfortunately all our residency is US based, and that boat had already sailed. But like I said if he wants to be difficult about it, I can be just as difficult in return. And somehow I don't think it's going to help him custody wise that he chose to go on vacation with his girlfriend instead of staying home for his ds birthday.

[stuckinny]

Are you married? If so, check out the divorce rules regarding children in your state. The child support amount (at least in NY) is far better than what you would get in the U.K. (how some people manage on such little amounts in the U.K. amazes me).
Also don't rule out moving back if it's something you're interested in. I have it written into my separation agreement, and hence divorce, that I can leave the US with DS permanently once I have given him written notice. It took a long time for me to get it but as I have no family here it was important to me that I had the option. You can have anything you want written into these agreements as long as both parties agree.

Good luck.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

stuckinny - Unfort live in a mother unfriendly state with caps on child support. Finances aren't a worry for me unless I can't get a job for a long time once I'm in a place where I have the permanent legal right to work and live. He doesn't have the permanent right to live or work either yet ... But the complication is that ds is American born. I'm anticipating going to court if necessary though.

[stuckinny]

Ahh, I'm sorry. I think that's one of the worst things about the US, there is no standard.
It may be worth getting ds a U.K. passport just in case. It's a lot easier than getting a US one. As neither of you are permanent residents I'm not sure that DS being American by birth makes much difference as his ability to stay is dependent upon your status. I'm sure there were some changes recently regarding US born children being a way that their parents could stay here.

Is your status dependent upon him? If so it might be worth a good look through the immigration website to see where you stand.

[FeelTheNoise]

Please be really careful, your potentially very vulnerable. There are mums overseas who have come out of situations like yours really badly.
Keep your temper in check, words I have to say to myself daily thanks to my utter bastard XP.
Think, plan and protect, then act and speak x

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Pretty sure there's no way to stay legally until after ds turns 21. my status here is a spouse visa so I won't be rushing any paperwork through til I've got everything lined up.
On the other hand, he doesn't have permanent legal status here either and may have to leave by end of next year anyway.
Have definitely lost the shakes and did manage to get sleep last night, now on to rational organizing and planning mode.
Btw, he thinks he can solve this with flowers (not even my favourite kind) and a letter trying to emotionally blackmail me.

[Atenco]

It certainly seems that a child's citizenship doesn't give the parents anymore rights in the US.

But you sound pretty clued up, OP. And re. the PP who suggested taking your ds back to the UK on holiday to establish residency. Don't do anything like that without good legal advice.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

atenco - went to see a lawyer a while back who specializes in international cases. the other parent can file to have the child brought back under The Hague convention - they would have to let the situation lie for a reasonable time for new residency to be established. Lawyer told me she knew of one case where the mother took the DC back to uk and were there for more than a year but still lost when father filed under Hague to return the DC back to US as the court ruled their habitual residence was still US despite having been gone that long. So no guarantees either way.
Lesson learned - never move to a place I don't have permanent rights to live/work on my own.

[Atenco]

Good you've checked that.

I just remember hearing a few years ago about a British woman divorced from a US citizen whose child was taken back to the US, while she was banned forever from that country. Every mother's worst nightmare.

[littleredpear]

I didn't want to read and run. I hope you are better tonight.

DM me if you want to rant or let it out on here.

Has he stopped seeing OW or was he just being an arse?

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

atenco - that's the one reassurance i have, only ds is a us citizen. So H has no permanent rights here either.

littleredpear - definitely better today. Have given myself tasks to do. Very tired tho, need to catch up on sleep. He's trying to backtrack but it isn't working - one time too many. As far as I know he stopped seeing OW but no way to know for sure - she is supposed to be in a different office (she's a colleague of his) and supposedly doesn't work with him anymore, but no way for me to check that. And yes, he continued to be an arse ever since I found out. I suppose I didn't want to look back and say (or have others say) I didn't try hard enough to give him a chance.