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What more can i do??(39 Posts)
I am totally at a loss & nigh on giving up on 20 years of my life, I'm a currently very confused man & would appreciate your unbiased opinions of where i am, what I'm doing & any advice given will be greatly received. I have been with my partner for 20 years, we have 3 kids who i love beyond the realms of possibility! We have a great lifestyle, 2 to 3 holiday's a year, I'm lucky enough to have a great job that means no money worries, i spoil my kids & partner with love, affection & they want for nothing either emotionally or physically. So what's wrong?? My partner shows no interest in me whatsoever, we have no physical realtionship, not even a cuddle which i crave more than anything else, i tell her regularly how much i love her to just receive an "ok" or "thanks".. I listen to her (& even feign interest when her stories are boring!!), i buy flowers, Iron, Hoover & generally help out wherever help is needed. I cant go on living this life, I'm unhappy, sad & don't know what else i can do, i may add I'm not a doormat or anything like that, we don't have full blown arguments just the odd irritating conversation which goes no further than that. I'm not an ugly guy & have had offers, well more 'hints' with colleagues, customers & ladies I've talked to on a night out with my friends etc, i am quite flirtatious & confident too yet this isn't something i want to explore further or should i?? Its all compounded by Christmas etc as whatever decision i choose to make wouldn't be until 2017. Thank you for reading this & hope you can advise, i will answer any questions honestly as i don't want to just give up on my family
If she isn't willing to engage then you should end it. Don't be tempted into an affair, do it properly.
She sounds robotic & you deserve better but, show her some dignity as you do it & don't explore other women until you've dotted the "i's" & crossed the "t's".
Others may say it's a lot to throw away after 20 years but, what's the point in a non sexual relationship?
What does she say when you ask her about it?
There is one thing you haven't said: have you talked to your wife about this?
If I were you, I would challenge / ask her about her apparent disdain and disinterest in you.
You will get a heap of abuse from people on here about your "hints' and being 'flirtatious' etc.. so just ignore them. I'm sure you just mentioned them to assure us of your virility (which is a good point.....my first thought was that you're a doormat, and you tackled that point).
My ex did all that you did. He earned lots of money, did loads of housework (mostly repeating what I had just done), organised lots of trips abroad. And he talked, and talked, and talked..... and bored me to death. His constant cleaning and talking drove me crazy. I just stopped fancying him. He may as well have worn a doily on his head.
I would seriously wake up on a Saturday morning and the house looked like a Chinese laundry because he'd been up since 6am and decided that all the sheets in the house needed laundering (even though I had done them the day before and all the beds were freshly dressed). I can't tell you how depressing it was to see the pile of clean sheets piled up on the dining room table and his look of utter triumph. Total turn off.
What is she saying to you about this?
You can't try enough for 2 to make up for your partner if they are not trying.
Call it a day, it doesn't sound like she is remotely interested in you and that's not fair, it's not a relationship, you are just co existing and co parenting.
Your bit about other women is just awful, so no, don't cheat, it's nasty.
After 20 years of marriage you should be able to approach her and ask her why she doesn't show you any affection or pay any interest in you. You should also tell her that you are not happy and that if things don't improve (suggest that you are willing to do what it takes) then you'll be leaving. If she doesn't care or doesn't change then as hard as it will be, you will be able to more forward. Sorry your going through this x
I didn't take it badly about other women it was added in as 'I don't think it's my face/body/confidence' not 'ooh women want me'. It's entirely natural to question what is wrong with you when you live like this and if you don't know, tempting to try explore other ways - but do not do this.
I can only echo what others have said - what does she say?
Sorry but you "feign interest when her stories are boring"? Have you ever thought that she may pick up on your lack of interest? Your post comes across as being materialistic and physical. Why do you feel the need to emphasise that there are "other offers"?
Please talk to her and let her know how you are feeling. It's very easy to take someone for granted after so many years together. My ex ended up cheating on me and he said it was cos he didn't feel like I loved him. I'm not sure if that's just an excuse and blame shifting but if it's true I would have loved the chance to show that I did love him and to try and fix our relationship.
I take it you want the relationship to work as you are clearly trying hard.
Thanks for the replies, Have attempted to discuss how i feel both in the past & recently too only to be met with the following...
" we aren't just together for the sake of the kids"
" Stop being so sensitive"
" It's not you it's me"
" i don't need sex / a physical relationship, anyway your 48 & too old for all that"
So that's kinda that! Oh & while i do help round the house I'm not exactly overtly keen to do so..😂
The main thing for me is ensuring my kids happiness irrespective of anything else.
From what she's said, she thinks it's over and she doesn't seem too bothered about that.
Staying together for the sake of the kids isn't a good idea; it teaches them bad lessons about relationships:
"citybumpkin".. perhaps feigning was the wrong word to use, i do listen to her & we have decent conversations too however i do find hearing about the latest bush tucker trial a tad tedious at times. As for materialistic & physical .. I'm certainly neither the 1st or indeed the 2nd.. i think i was merely trying to portray that whilst tempted i have never taken anything further
She sounds like a nightmare. At 48, you're still young & could have a fulfilling & physical relationship. She sounds hideous
She doesn't want a physical relationship with you, she's made that quite clear, why I do not know, only she knows that one.
If you want an intimate relationship with sex then you will need to call it a day on this one as it's nothing more than friendship.
Take it to marriage counselling? Perhaps talking with an independent party to mediate will get her to open up. It should also make her realise how serious the situation is from your point of view.
Are you asking all the right questions, like what is bothering her? Maybe you can then get to the root of the problem.
Divorce her. This is dead in the water.
Is she maybe withholding sex because of something you're doing or not doing?
Sorry OP but it sounds as though it's over for her. She's checked out emotionally and physically, she just lacks the decency to tell you that.
In your shoes I would be honest - say I'm not prepared to carry on with this sham of a marriage and insist on having it all out.
Would you be prepared to leave? If not, and you were to say you wanted to get to the bottom of it all, try counselling etc, and she were to flatly refuse......where would that leave you?
Think about what's a deal-breaker for you and exactly how much more of this you are prepared to put up with.
My husband is nearly your age. Your no way too old for that!! After Christmas. Sit down and talk. Away from the kids.
Tell her that you've had enough, you're finding yourself tempted by other people and that either you both work on your marriage or you call it a day.
My 20yr marriage was just as you describe (minus the holidays and any help from him around the house) and my husband gave in to temptation culminating in a 6 month affair that I caught him having. It has utterly destroyed me. I wasn't happy either but was in it for the kids, I also thought that one day things would return to how they used to me. That was never really going to happen, I accept that now. However, the thought of him actually leaving has made me realise how much I love him and how much I want us to have a future. That is unlikely to happen now as I can't get my head around the hurt, lies and deceit.
If you have anything left saving then you need to bring all this out in the open and be honest about your intentions to leave if it can't be worked on. Do not have an affair, she doesn't deserve that.
1. Is she having a midlife crisis? Is she depressed?
2. Other man?
3. Does she feel you both have different interests/opinions. Have you grown apart over time?
4. Was sexual relationship ever good?
5. Anything from the past that she cannot move on from and eventually detached herself from you?
I am in a similar boat as you OP - I am somewhat in your wife's position and DH and I have been working through getting 'close' again. All of the above were factors for me (I did not have an affair though, but was deeply vulnerable from dealing with the other stuff I mentioned).
I agree re Vikingwomans first point. I admit to having switched off slightly in my last relationship as I was depressed (my mum's terminal cancer diagnosis, difficulties at work and exDP always working). Apart from a rather insensitive Valentine's card, exDP didn't really communicate and when leaving declared that I didn't communicate. I was struggling alone, working, manning a house, caring for his ailing dog, travelling to see my family/mum. A bit different from your situation but people suffer from depression due to different reasons. My ex ended up leaving me after 9 years together. Didn't want to attend counselling with me and claimed there wasn't an OW. There was.
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