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Unsure of sexuality

(20 Posts)
CondensedMilkSarnies Wed 30-Nov-16 00:31:51

This is about my DD18. I don't want this to turn into an argument so please bear with me if I use the incorrect terminology as I'm not out to offend anyone.

Up until recently my DD has dated young men. Over the last couple of weeks she has become very close to a lovely young woman who is a lesbian . I have the impression that they are embarking on a relationship.

To make it very clear , I don't mind at all whether my DD is straight , gay or bi sexual. She has been out with a lad in the past who was horrible to her so all I care about is that she is loved and cherished by a partner whatever sex they may be.

I asked her if X is her girlfriend and she said she's not sure what's happening . She was fine with me asking this.

My question is has anyone been in a situation where they have been unsure of their sexuality ? If you started out dating men but realised you prefer women is there a part of you that still quite likes men ?

The way I see it if you find 'the one' it doesn't matter if that person is male or female as loving someone is so much more than their gender.

I'm not explaining myself very well.

I just wondered what others experiences have been if they are not 100% sure of their sexuality .

Cricrichan Wed 30-Nov-16 02:54:07

No personal experience but my friend always had relationships with males except for when she had a 7 year relationship with a female. In the 10years since she split up with her, she's only been with males. She says she's attracted to men but fell in love with her and she happened to be female.

I don't think you need to attach a label..

myoriginal3 Wed 30-Nov-16 03:05:44

Two of my best friends fell in love with each other. They had both happily been in heterosexual relationships previously. They must be about twelve years together now.

They are lovely. Together and separate!

The one thing that they were not comfortable with though has been children, which is so sad to me. They would both be wonderful parents.

As it is, they are both in very caring professions and have a massive insane love for their pets!

I imagine that in ten years time, same sex relationships will be so normal that no one would blink an eye at them having children.

PitilessYank Wed 30-Nov-16 03:11:37

I have dated women and man and in my twenties I thought of myself as a lesbian, mainly, although I slept with men on occasion. I have been monogamously married to a man for 20 years now. I now refer to myself as "Heteroflexible".

I think one's concept of one's own sexuality sometimes changes over time organically. It can't be made to change, nor should it, though.

My sister took the opposite path to mine-dated men on her twenties, and is now married to a woman, and raising a child with her. I appreciate that no one in our family blinked an eye when we had our various relationships.

PitilessYank Wed 30-Nov-16 03:12:00

women and men, not man

whaaaaat Wed 30-Nov-16 08:08:25

Another one here who has had relationships with both men and women and am now engaged to a woman. Have stopped trying to put myself into a category.

OP, why do you ask " My question is has anyone been in a situation where they have been unsure of their sexuality ? If you started out dating men but realised you prefer women is there a part of you that still quite likes men ?" I'm not sure why you're asking this. Is it because you're hoping that it might just be a fling and that there's still hope she'll go back to a man? If not, I really don't get why you're asking because everyone's sexuality is different. If I, or anyone else in the same situation, say yes, I still like men, it doesn't mean your DD does and vice versa.

My advice to you and your DD is, don't waste any of your type trying to over analyse. Your DD doesn't need to refer to herself as anything. If she is in love with this woman, then she should just enjoy this and relax. It might not work out and it might be her first and last relationship with a woman, or it might not. You don't know, we don't know and more importantly, your DD probably doesn't know.

CondensedMilkSarnies Wed 30-Nov-16 09:03:43

Whaaat I'm not sure what I'm asking really confused and I do agree Cricrichan about slapping labels on people . We are what we are and who's to say we should fit into any set category, especially when there are no set categories anyway.

My post was a bit clumsy and I'm definitely
not asking if she will 'grow out' of it , I just want her to be happy and settled.

We had a really really rocky time about 18 months ago and I thought I'd lost her (to crime and drugs) she went right off the rails , she's now a lovely young woman and we have a very good relationship , which I'm so grateful for.

In my mind an adult child's sex life is nothing to do with their parents so whether she brings home a male or female partner , that is who they are , their partner and all I wish for is that they love and respect each other .

CondensedMilkSarnies Wed 30-Nov-16 09:11:54

My DD and I could have lost our lives a few weeks ago in an horrific RTA. It has put everything into perspective , I seriously , seriously don't mind what her sexuality is , I'm just grateful we are still here for her to have a relationship of any kind at all.

whaaaaat Wed 30-Nov-16 09:25:43

OP, it didn't come across as clumsy to me, I just think you should ask yourself why you're asking the question. You're making out as though you're comfortable with it, so if that is the case, then what's the issue? If you're concerned about her being in a same sex relationship, then be honest. I'm not saying you are btw, I just really don't understand what you're asking if you're 100% fine with whatever her sexuality is.

CondensedMilkSarnies Wed 30-Nov-16 09:39:55

Hmmm I guess I don't want her to struggle with how she feels . I hear and read about people 'struggling' with their sexuality , I think it stems (maybe) from the horrendous year of when she went off the rails and I live in genuine fear of anything upsetting her equilibrium and sending her back down that road.

SquirrelPaws Wed 30-Nov-16 09:44:54

I also know a lady who, having had relationships with men throughout her adult life, and having had children, fell in love with the person not the gender and has been blissfully in love with a woman ever since. I think for some people it's more fixed and for others it's very flexible. If your DD is happy and her partner is kind to her, that's all you need to worry about, whether the partner is male or female.

CondensedMilkSarnies Wed 30-Nov-16 09:52:41

If your DD is happy and her partner is kind to her, that's all you need to worry about, whether the partner is male or female.

I absolutely agree

I quite like it when people make me really think about things (in a gentle way ) , I'm trying to get to the bottom of what my question is and why I'm asking it , I find it difficult sometimes to put things into words .

I think the bottom line is that I just want her to be ok .

whaaaaat Wed 30-Nov-16 09:56:11

OP, I honestly do believe that the reason so many struggle, is because people still make an issue out of it. Of course things are moving forward, but we've got a way to go.

I think, as her mother, you should tell her not to worry about figuring out her sexuality and just enjoy being in love\lust with a person. I wish someone close to me had told me this. I have wasted a good few years wondering"what" I am. It's a complete waste of time and head space. Trust me. Tell her this. Not only will she feel supported by you, but she'll be getting some very good advice.

CondensedMilkSarnies Wed 30-Nov-16 10:04:39

Thankyou , I will do that . They went out the other night and came back to ours , DD asked if I could give her friend a lift home and I suggested she sleep at ours . DD's face was shock and grin.

whaaaaat Thu 01-Dec-16 14:50:51

Good luck!

HOHOHOvariesBeforeBrovaries Thu 01-Dec-16 16:35:36

I was unsure for a long time, before coming to the conclusion that I'm not struggling with my sexuality, I'm just bisexual grin It may be that she comes/has come to the same conclusion, or that she prefers girls, or that she's just experimenting. The most important thing you can do is make her feel validated - don't say "so you're a lesbian now" or things like that unless she says "Mum, I'm a lesbian". I'm getting married to a man; it doesn't stop me being bi!

You sound very supportive and lovely smile

ChemistryGeek Thu 01-Dec-16 16:46:01

I've been married (and faithful) to a man for 15 years; still bi if forced to define myself. It does raise my hackles when assumptions are made e.g. a lesbian at work says things like "you heteros wouldn't understand x" or before I met him when I was in a longish term (2years +) relationship with a woman and her friends kept trying to split us up because "Chemistry is not a proper lesbian, she's just going through a phase"....

Apple1976 Thu 01-Dec-16 16:50:07

I was married for 16 years. We separated and I met and fell in love with a woman who I now live with. I was always more attracted to women I think.

I wouldn't worry too much. I'm also a teacher and young people seem a lot more fluid these days in terms of their sexuality and it being about the person rather than the gender.

PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel Thu 01-Dec-16 18:50:35

I was the opposite to some- came out when I was 12, identified as a lesbian even though I had drunken ons with men- then fell in love with DH! ☺

CondensedMilkSarnies Fri 02-Dec-16 00:41:23

Thankyou all for sharing , it all goes to show that like people in general , everyone is different when it comes to sexuality .

I wish that people didn't have to 'come out' as it seems like it's such a difficult thing to do. I didn't announce that I'm heterosexual , so why does a gay guy or lesbian woman have to announce it ( unless they want to that is). Why doesn't society allow people just be who they are without the need to make it so hard.

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