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To help explain how much damage it did

(23 Posts)
anxiousnow Wed 30-Nov-16 00:03:17

Does anyone have any recommendations of a book to give to a H who had an emotional affair? My H did, got found out and left but now sweeping all under carpet and 'can't remember' some of the truly terrible things he did to me in the midst of it.
I am fed up of repeating myself. I know it is common to rewrite history and easy to deny any memory of some of the terrible treatment but what if he truly doesn't seem to get it. He is sorry but I need him to get it.
Any recommendations- thank you

CockacidalManiac Wed 30-Nov-16 00:19:37

I'm sorry. I'm sure he really does 'get it', but just won't admit it. Either that or he's gaslighting you.
Save your energy for yourself.

Angleshades Wed 30-Nov-16 06:35:53

Op what is it you're looking for from your dh? Do you want him just to acknowledge what he's done with a 'sorry'? Or do you want him to cry and beg and plead for your forgiveness? If you are still so angry with him how do you expect the relationship to move forward for you both?

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry, you absolutely do but if you've decided to stay and work it out with him you need to work on a way of moving past your anger and go forward or your relationship will stall and it will end anyway.

Have you thought about couples counselling? Sounds like you need to talk about the ea but he's not really letting you.

Thisjustinno Wed 30-Nov-16 06:40:14

He gets it. He just wants you to get over it.

Bluntness100 Wed 30-Nov-16 06:59:16

I'm also wondering what it is you want from him? As others have said, I'm sure he does get it, but what actions do you need from him to acknowledge that for you? I doubt forcing him to read a book is the answer?

I'm assuming you want to move on with this man, but mentally are unable to do so, which will be further damaging to the relationship. Maybe councilling is the answer. Otherwise if uou can't move past this possibly you need to relook at whether it's possible to stay together.

Alfiemoon1 Wed 30-Nov-16 08:05:00

I could of written this so am interested in the replies. I am at a total standstill with dh. I feel he put a friendship above our marriage and therefore was an emotional affair on his part he insists as he didn't sleep with her they were only friends. I can't make him understand why I feel he crossed the line.

Simonneilsbeard Wed 30-Nov-16 08:45:22

Would he even read it?
It sounds like he just wants you to shut up and get over it.
He does understand what he's done but he doesn't want to be bothered with it.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 30-Nov-16 08:52:37

I've seen the Shirley Glass book Not just friends recommended on here before.
But as PP has said, will he even bother reading anything you get?

Olddear Wed 30-Nov-16 09:01:02

Of course he remembers. He'd just prefer you to forget.

aquamarine2 Wed 30-Nov-16 11:12:33

all my sympathies. my partner has had an affair which lasted a month. He slept with her. He is still with me and I was trying to move on. However, he wont talk after the initial conversation and prefers that we don't refer to it. Says I shouldn't keep throwing it in his face. But I have questions that need answering and fears that need addressing and he is the only person that can help with that.

He now says he is going as cant live like this and is leaving me.

I don't think a book will solve the problem and I agree with other posters, he/they are fully aware of the damage but will never openly admit it.

anxiousnow Wed 30-Nov-16 11:18:41

Thank you for your replies. To give a bit more info this has been going on too long. I am in limbo. He left in 2013.
I handled in very badly at the time. I am embarrassed to say that I just wanted him back so much I put up with a lot that first year. He ate dinner at ours everyday etc. He came and went as he pleased. I know I made these mistakes but can't undo them now.
Before his emotional affair he was suicidal at one point but failed to get help. I am not making excuses for him but truly believe he had some forms of breakdown. He is hardworking but hates his job. He is considered intelligent and very goid at his job, but it us what he knows. He is the type who can happily go for promotions within his current workplace but is too scared to take the step outside of it. He is the same if bills get in a mess, he avoids them until they end up in court and doubled. Yes, now he wants things to go back to normal. He admits he needs help. He eventually sort counselling but as is usual failed to follow through. I don't know if it makes sense but I can't begin to consider whether to have him back or not until he takes some positive action to resolve issues. The tables have turned and now I feel sorry for him as he only has us and is so broken and lost if not here. But then I get flashbacks of all the things he did and how lost I and my children were and then can't let him just slip back in without sorting himself out. He is basically here all the time anyway and outsiders would probably still think we are all together.

anxiousnow Wed 30-Nov-16 11:22:22

I don'the like the thought of not seeing him at all or him moving in with another family but am not prepared to just let him slip back. I have told him, he says he gets it, then carries on as normal. It is like he can't believe what he did either but tries to black it out instead of dealing with it. Our life is so busy it is easy to end up going along again.

Alfiemoon1 Wed 30-Nov-16 19:42:11

If it was 3 years ago I think u need to decide if u can forgive and forget and maybe arrange the counselling yourself or if u can't u need to walk away. Has he given u any reasons to be suspicious since then ? What triggers the flash backs? You could always go for counselling on your own if he won't go.

RandomMess Wed 30-Nov-16 19:51:12

It sounds like some of his current behaviours are still big issues.

Time and therapy for you is probably the healer for forgiving him. However if he hasn't really changed...?

Angleshades Wed 30-Nov-16 20:01:46

I think you're putting yourself in an impossible situation. Rightly or wrongly you now have exact expectations of how you want him to behave in order to prove how sorry he is. You can't force him to be sorry. He either is or he isn't and his behaviour will show this. If he's burying his head in the sand it sounds like he is shutting down and not willing to communicate.

Which means you are left with a choice. You either take him back as he is now as it doesn't look like he's willing to change. Or you show him you're serious and tell him to leave. Completely. No more cooking meals for him and letting him come and go as he pleases as there is no incentive for him to change if you do that. If you choose the latter and show him that you're moving on he may change his attitude and try harder to 'win you back' so to speak. If he still doesn't really bother then you have your answer. At the minute he's having his cake and eating it so he doesn't need to try.

It sounds like you're doing the 'pick me dance' hoping that he'll come back to you if you try harder at your relationship. Unfortunately some men then use this to their advantage which it sounds to me like he's doing. Trying to get him to read a book will not change this, it's not rocket science, he should know already his behaviour has upset you, he doesn't need a book to tell him this.

I have heard of so many couples where the dh gets depressed and then goes on to do such hurtful behaviour to the dw i.e. Affairs, emotional affairs, other inappropriate behaviour... and then blame it all on the depression. Depression is not an excuse to emotionally hurt a partner and to continue to hurt them. If your partner is treating you badly you have a right to walk away at any time regardless of whether it's intentional or down to mental health.

anxiousnow Thu 01-Dec-16 22:19:53

Alfie moon sorry you are in a similar situation.
Thank you all for your replies.
The thing is he was quite abusive during that period. Only on the lead up to, during and slightly afterwards but now it's stopped again. My fear is if it happened then it could happen again. Not only the affair but the abusive behaviour. I have to think of my children. If I fully let him back and he had the added responsibility again it could trigger it. That is why I need him to get help. Part of his problem is taking action. I honestly don't think it is because he doesn't want to, he just buries his head in the sand. I had been with him half my life and all my adult years and prior to this he was lovely. It's so strange how much time can go by just getting through the day to day family rush.

anxiousnow Thu 01-Dec-16 22:23:27

Sorry I meant to say, thank you, I do agree that I need to stop doing all the things I do for him. That was the massive mistake I made when he first left. It's harder to stop now he is being nice and has no one else to help him. But that is what causes the thoughts, as I think we'll he left me to struggle so why am I being so nice when everyone is telling me not to. I have even told him this.

Hermonie2016 Thu 01-Dec-16 22:43:27

How old is he?

What feelings are you having, anxiety, fear for the future, grief for your marriage? Spend sometime to look into what you feel.It will guide you better.

The reason I ask is that your focus is on him and nothing you do will make him change or have a lightbulb moment.He doesn't sound like someone who is open to learning and change.If he was he would be seeking help.

I think once a partner has been horrible to you and betrayed you it's truly hard to get that trust back.You didn't cause it, so therefore it's down to how he feels.As a result you'll walk on eggshells monitoring his moods to see if there is a likelyhood of old behaviour.That could be a miserable way to live so you need to ensure there are sufficient other reasons to stay.

Alfiemoon1 Fri 02-Dec-16 15:30:36

So when it first happened how did you and he react ? My dh is denying it was anything more than a friendship and refuses to see why I am upset about it. She has supposedly text him to say it's probably best the stop all contact and he has apparently agreed not seen this as he has deleted it and now he has put a passcode on his phone. We have been together 22 years since I was 17 but we can't seem to get passed this he just tells me nothing happened and I need to get over it so any advice op as it's early days for us

anxiousnow Sat 03-Dec-16 23:45:27

He's 37. Very similar Alfie. Together since 16 for nearly 20 years. I do have grief for my family. My friend. Scared of the future. Now I am the one stopping the united family the kids want. The united family I shared tears with them over losing. I know I could still play happy families and let him back but I was already a doormat and just letting him back without doing any thing I asked or looking into himself seems to naive. He yelled at me so many times in that first year that we were separated yet is very jealous of any men in my life.

I discovered he was texting. He swore on kids life he would cut contact, just friends, she was in a bad abusive marriage etc etc. 2 months after I checked phone bill for first time and found the extent of the texting. Literally hundreds. I lost it and phoned her H. That is what blew everything apart. He phoned my H and within half an hour my H walked out. I handled it all wrong. I was desperate for him to stay, our perfect family, my lovely H wouldn't do that unless mentally ill evil ow stressed etc. I let him do as he pleased. As I said before eat dinner watch TV. Everything. Massive mistake. I also continued to play happy families within and outside the home. To the extent that many still don't even know now. He could turn up late for an occasion, yell at me that he could do what he liked, make me cry, shout at me for crying and attention seeking even though I cried away from children locked in toilet, then I'd dish up dinner and sit round table with him and kids. Sounds crazy now.
If I was you Alfie I would have to try a way to find out if what he says is true. Has contact definitely stopped. How much contact was there? Were there talks of wouldn't it be nice to be together etc at least then you know what you are facing. Is there anyway of finding out?

anxiousnow Sun 04-Dec-16 00:09:18

Sorry to go on but I also think I wonder why he didn't realise sooner what a mistake he had made. Well over a year maybe 2 but I never really made him feel that I wouldn't just be there. Another massive mistake. When I did, he couldn't handle it. Super jealous, possessive acting heartbroken.

janaus Sun 04-Dec-16 07:06:42

I too, can not make H see or understand how much hurt I feel. This is 15 months later. So will be following with interest.

Alfiemoon1 Sun 04-Dec-16 21:50:48

I can only take his word for it that she hasn't phoned or text him as he set up a passcode on his phone he deleted the texts between them anyway. I blocked her on his facebook a week ago before he set up a passcode he will think she has blocked him and they still aren't friends on there so i presume they haven't spoken.

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