May have met someone?

[PeteSwotatoes]

I posted on here a few days ago because I wanted a hand-hold and some encouragement to get me to ditch my useless "ex" who never really committed to me anyway, and had forgotten my birthday for the third time. Everyone was lovely about it.

I have a different dilemma, potentially something happier, today. I was hoping wiser minds than mine might be able to offer guidance.

I'm a med student in my first year, despite being in my late 20s. As my exams are coming up soon, I signed up for a peer-teaching session, and was put into a group with this bloke. He's in the year above, mid 20s (couple of years younger). He gave me a lot of personal attention/tuition during the session, and his colleague taught the two other people in our little group. At the end, he mentioned some books he had on a topic I find really interesting, and asked for my email so he could send me the names of them.

I got an email a few days later with the book titles, and I sent something breezy back. He suggested we meet up before the next revision class so he could show me the books, and gave me his number.

So I met him today. I had lessons all day so he waited around 'til I finished at about 4, though I think he might have been studying, and we went over the books. I definitely felt some chemistry but I've been tragically wrong in the past about guys, and been rejected as "just friends", so I don't want to get the wrong idea here. We mainly chatted about other things, he mentioned an ex-girlfriend, we talked about where we were from, hobbies, interests. One red flag I guess is that he mentioned that his relationship wasn't a particularly good experience (with no real detail as to why).

I feel quite intimidated because he's ridiculously clever, is fluent in several languages, is one of the top students in his year, and also seems to be a nice person. So, I keep telling myself there's no way he could be interested in me. We have some common interests, as we both like outdoorsy activities.

When we said goodbye, he kind of touched my shoulder (friendly?) and said if I need any help with my studies to just text and he'll brush up on the topic and then meet to teach it to me.

Does this have potential? Is he just being kind to a new student? Any ideas?

[Lelloteddy]

You ditched your Ex a few days ago? Have I got that right?

[PeteSwotatoes]

We were never really together. He basically fucked me around for three years, promising I'd be his proper girlfriend, and I finally blocked/deleted a few days ago after trying about 10 times previously.

[TheNaze73]

Put the breaks on, it's reading like you're desperate

[PoldarksBreeches]

Slow the fuck down!!

[Costacoffeeplease]

Sounds to me like he's just being a nice guy, take it very slowly until you find out if he's really interested

[Northernpowerhouse]

Yes, I have to agree, slow down . I think he may be picking up on your vulnerability and is either a) being kind because he is a decent person or b) lining you up to make use of because he's not so nice/ has his own issues/ needs his ego boosting.
Time will tell. Your priority right now is you, your studies and your future.

[LesisMiserable]

Oh OP no. You HAVE to be able to be comfortable on your own before you start prospecting for someone else you really do. You obviously didnt have real feelings for your ex, so you need to digest why you stuck with him for so long before you move forward.

[BitchQueen90]

OP please don't rush into anything. I was in a similar situation to yours before with an ex who messed me around. My best advice would be to spend some time by yourself. You've found the strength to ditch your ex and I congratulate you on that because I know how difficult it can be. Now is your time to get back to YOU.

[PeteSwotatoes]

I had very deep feelings for my ex. He didnt have any for me.

[PeteSwotatoes]

And i have effectively been on my own for ages. The last time i saw my ex was may. We just spoke intermittently on the phone.

[LesisMiserable]

But if you had deep feelings how could you be looking at someone else that way so quickly. Literally no blame here. But still far soon.

[PeteSwotatoes]

Because I was in love with him for three years and he never loved me. I have essentially been trying to get over this for three years. I don't think it's fair to question the depth of my feelings when I struggled with them for so long.

[Potnoodlewilld0]

Your swinging from one like to the next.

You need to have proper no bloke on your mind single life for a while to get to know you and what you really want and what your prepared to accept in life. Otherwise you will swing from dick head to dick head because your not give yourself time to learn how to spot them.

Just because your new potential man is clever doesn't mean he isn't a dick.

Have some time on your own

[PeteSwotatoes]

Loving someone who is physically present but not emotionally (he is a coke/alcohol addict on top) is painful in a way I can't really articulate. But it's not like a loving normal relationship. It's like an extended period of mourning for something you never had.

[PeteSwotatoes]

I've been on my own for ages. I don't really see why it's weird to want to date someone when I'm in my late twenties. My friends seem to break up and then try someone knew. I thought it was normal? It's not like I've got into bed with him or am planning a LTR.

[LesisMiserable]

I get that. But you're given yourself 0% recovery time. Everything you say only adds to the conviction that getting involved with anyone else is a big no this soon for you. Flirting - brilliant,by all means build your confidence but leave it a that.

[Potnoodlewilld0]

I guarantee you Drag all your insecurities from your last relationship in to the new one because you havnt had to to look at why you let the old one carry on so long. If you were only on here a short time ago you've not give yourself much time have you?

[Stilltryingtobeme]

I'm going to go slightly against the grain, but only, only if you really are past the ex.

I had been living with my ex but couldn't stand him (was saving to leave). We had a huge argument one night and I walked out, and sofa surfed for a while. A few days later my current husband (who I'd already been friends with and was staying in the front room of his shared house, I was mates with everyone), asked me never to leave as he loved having me there. I moved into his room and we've never been apart. Eleven years and counting with technically a three day break. Just because I was living with dick head, didn't mean I didn't know myself. I knew exactly what I wanted. I'm the luckiest woman alive as far as I'm concerned and thank fuck I had no reservations! People gossiped, they got over it!

[PeteSwotatoes]

Thanks for clarifying, I think I was misunderstanding the advice given. My interpretation was that I should basically cloister myself away for years until I'm "ready" to see people again, but it seems that it'd be OK to flirt and date a bit, as long as I'm not plunging headlong into an actual relationship. Is that a fair analysis?

[PeteSwotatoes]

Just because I was living with dick head, didn't mean I didn't know myself

Yeah I kind of feel like that too. I feel patronised when people say I need recovery time, as actually my life is a fuck ton easier without him in it and I've nothing I feel I need to get over.

[Cary2012]

OP, only you know what you feel, and there is no law that says you have to grieve your past relationship. I 'grieved' my marriage before it actually ended and like you life improved from the minute it ended.

So, going from the premise that this isn't rebound, then you need to step back a bit, and see this guy not as a potential partner, but as a potential friend. If you see him again, don't read to much in to it, take it slowly.

I'm a firm believer that if something is meant to happen, it'll happen.

By taking things slowly, you are protecting yourself from further hurt, because you won't over invest. You are vulnerable, so you could be reading more into this guy, who may simply be a kind generous person who naturally helps people. Who knows? Just take it slowly, see him as a friend, expect nothing more, see what happens.

[Stilltryingtobeme]

Heh, I was sure I couldn't stand him and most definitely not interested but as I couldn't afford to move and he wouldn't we were at an impasse. So glad you're had a massive argument and I got my backside out. It was the best thing I ever did! By all means get to know this guy, see how it goes. As long as you're not proposing on the first date I'd sky you're OK! Only you know yourself. But if you still feel like you're mourning the ex don't. You do need to be yourself before you go out with someone else or they don't really know the real you do they? They only know the you in mourning if that makes sense?

[FinallyHere]

I would encourage you to go much, much more slowly. You have met a potential new friend, that's great. Get to know them as a person and let the relationship develop without the angst and drama of a potential relationship. Just enjoy the experience of being independent and enjoy the company of your friends. Let your friendship group expand. Just enjoy being free....

[PeteSwotatoes]

Thanks cary, that seems like wise advice. I am an overthinker by nature and try to suss things out rather than going with the flow. I guess it's a neurotic/introvert thing. It's definitely something I should work on.

I grieved the ex-boyfriend before this ex far in advance of breaking up with him, too. I remember I told someone I'd just dumped my ex, and she said my heart must be breaking. I actually felt nothing really, aside from relief. I then felt guilty about that. This is much the same for me. I'm glad it's gone, that I've stopped dancing that stupid dance.

Finally also wise.. being free is nice. I'm not full of apprehension every time my phone goes off, wondering if it's my ex.

I've always been the more reticent partner in a way. I wait for guys to ask me out, I'm never 100% sure if I want to start a relationship, and I'm always the one to end it. I think it shows I've maybe gone for relationships that didn't suit me. My friends always said I picked a weird type of man who shared none of my interests. So I think that's why this new person stood out a bit as he's a lot more "me".

I guess that's why I got defensive early on in the post (sorry about that) because this situation seems different and somewhat unlike the mistakes I've made before. But only time will tell I suppose. I'll protect my heart throughout the process, whatever happens.

[Cary2012]

See thing is OP, when I was much much younger pre-marriage, I was always flattered if a guy asked me out, because I had very low self esteem. So I would often go out with someone because I was flattered. Then I'd find myself in quite deep and finish it. Only the older, wiser me can reflect and see that I should have never gone out with them in the first place. So I get what you're saying, totally.

I have written countless pages on here about the break up of my marriage, and how deeply hurt I felt. However, I did have many, many happy years with my ex. We were together 22 years, only the last five were crap. We started as friends, our deep love grew out of that friendship and for me it was very different.

I miss that friendship terribly, more than I miss the love we shared.
So with hindsight I would say always build on friendship, because in itself it is a blessing.
Take care