Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The last straw or AIBU?

(23 Posts)
palmadillio Tue 29-Nov-16 20:05:00

DH takes everything on himself, Mr Helpful. To everyone but me.
Currently renovating the house and he has refused to call in any help, doing everything himself. He promised me we would have a bath by the end of the weekend. No bath. I'm having to travel 3 miles everyday to clean myself and my 2 young children each evening! One of them is being potty trained. It's a nightmare.
The woman I saw as a second mother to me is currently on her death bed and I'm making trips to the hospital daily for hours on end, DH keeps plodding on with this sodding renovation, refusing to get workmen in whilst working full time, he's knackered, I'm knackered and grieving and we all need a wash!
I ask him for sex and he tells me he's too tired, he's too tired to be fully there for me at this sad time.
Then today I completely lost it and called a plumber to atleast just fit the sodding bath. DH was furious and refused to let him in the house. I just need some normalty, come routine whilst I'm going through all of this. It's horrific and I can't even wash myself and my children. DH is just so stubborn and needs to do everything himself, there's no compromise. I don't know what to do. I feel like hes pushed mw too far. I've packed a bag but don't know where to go. AIBU?

Joysmum Tue 29-Nov-16 20:12:44

Maybe stay put for tonight and talk it through tomorrow.

Renovations are hard work and extremely stressful when you have to live in them.

You are not being unreasonable to call someone in to get tge bath in for the kids, especially given how much stress you have with your second mum's situation.

He can do what he can when he can but you need the basics in place. The fact they aren't means you are upset and he probably thinks you don't appreciate what he has done because you are rightly focussed on what he hasn't.

In the meantime, I know it's not the done thing but I'm offering up a virtual hug in any case.

Liara Tue 29-Nov-16 20:14:40

Sorry you are going through so much shit.

I'm afraid I understand your dh, though, but I am biased as I do all the plumbing in this house and would absolutely hate to have someone else come and mess around with my plumbing (have had to fix too many botch jobs - which is harder than doing it right yourself in the first place!).

Still, I think he does need to empathise a bit with what you are going through and get it done. I am sure he would appreciate it if you offered to give him a hand rather than giving him a hard time.

It sounds like the whole atmosphere is a bit too highly charged at the moment - is there any chance you can get a short term place (maybe airbnb or something like that) for a week or so to take off the pressure? Renovating a place you are living in is stressful at the best of times, with what you are going through it might just be a bit too much.

However, don't kid yourself. Having workers around doing the work right now would be just as stressful, if not more. Is there any way the renovation can be put on hold for just a bit (once you have a bath, of course!)

palmadillio Tue 29-Nov-16 20:19:22

That was the plan "we'll just get the bath in for now." However things didn't go to plan over the weekend and there were complications with the plumbing. Now DH is back at work full time this week and he tells me he can't fit the bath until next weekend now because he's so busy at work! Hence why I called a plumber just to fit the bath, I can wait for the rest.

Liara Tue 29-Nov-16 20:30:09

Thing is, if there were complications will the plumber understand what they are and not do something that will make them even worse?

I do sympathise with your situation, I really do, I just also empathise with what your dh must be going through too!

It's a really shit situation all round. I really would be tempted to find something short term to rent until such a time as the plumbing is sorted though, I did that quite a lot when we were doing ours (in the off season still worked out cheaper than calling in workers)!

SandyY2K Tue 29-Nov-16 20:56:27

Get some space from him, but don't end the marriage over it. I totally sympathise with you BTW.

Joysmum Tue 29-Nov-16 21:08:09

Yep, take a deep breath. You're both under so much strain at the moment.

He's doing what he can, as are you.

He will most probably see you getting someone in as being because he's not good enough, rather than that you just need a bath. You don't want him to be under pressure more than he has to either so it's a great bonus that he can be a little more relaxed this weekend because there's not the urgency for other jobs. If you frame it like that so it's not about him failing to get it done last weekend then he might take it less personally.

You both quite understandably have strong feelings and seeing the same thing from a different view.

LesisMiserable Wed 30-Nov-16 08:58:26

Maybe he is worried about the cost of getting someone in?

TheNaze73 Wed 30-Nov-16 14:01:50

I think YABU

Adora10 Wed 30-Nov-16 17:10:19

I don't think you are, you have to travel miles to wash yourself and your kids, that's just bloody ridiculous, he either sorts it by this weekend himself or indeed you call in an expert and get it sorted, obviously money is not an issue or you would say?

No need for it at all, water is essential!

happypoobum Wed 30-Nov-16 17:17:13

YANBU!!!! You are in a dreadful position here saying goodbye to a loved one, with no working bathroom and DC to look after? flowers

I would be off to a hotel - would cost more than a plumber (just) but at least you would get clean and be comfortable.

Adora10 Wed 30-Nov-16 17:21:06

He's doing what he can, as are you.

By ensuring she has to travel 3 miles every day to get washed and her children? The OP is also coping with visiting someone who is dying fgs, she does not need this on top!

I know a man like him, helps everyone but the most important people in his life, tell him you are going to a Hotel if he won't get it sorted asap.

TwitterQueen1 Wed 30-Nov-16 17:24:59

Wait until he's gone to work and then get the plumber back.

This is no way to live OP.

BestZebbie Wed 30-Nov-16 18:05:01

You don't know where to go? How about a travel lodge that has a bath, until your home has a bath.

OohhThatsMe Wed 30-Nov-16 18:08:29

But if they can afford a travel lodge for a couple of nights, they can pay for a plumber to come in! It's just ridiculous that he's making them all wait for no reason at all.

palmadillio Sun 04-Dec-16 20:17:04

Things have gone from bad to worse.

My mother figure sadly passed away on Friday, DH has spent all of today working on the house again. We finally have a bath, but nothing else, no sink or upstairs loo. I'm struggling with the grief and have begged him to let a professional finish off the Job. He has refused.
I really need some time to grieve and to spend with my family, but instead I've been solely looking after 2 young, niggly children all day. After putting them to bed, I've begged DH in tears to just let someone else come and finish the work so that I can have some support from him and time to grieve without worrying about the house. He wouldn't see my side at all.

Aussiebean Sun 04-Dec-16 20:39:00

Go to a hotel. Get your space and have a good cry.

Let him get the kids up In the morning and off to school with no bathroom

Doublemint Sun 04-Dec-16 20:46:59

Yep, get out of there and go somewhere to grieve. Stay a few nights of you can. Maybe near somewhere that was special for you and your mother figure. So sorry for your loss, and that your DH isn't being understanding at this horrible time flowers

Inertia Mon 05-Dec-16 06:52:03

I'm sorry for your loss.

You need a bathroom - it is beyond unreasonable that he is refusing to let a plumber in to sort this out. Can you arrange for the plumber to come back while he is at work?

Naicehamshop Mon 05-Dec-16 07:01:20

He seems to be putting your feelings last in all of this. sad

mummytime Mon 05-Dec-16 07:03:19

I am so sorry for your lose.
YANBU
I would be inclined to leave him with the kids and go somewhere to grieve. In the long term you might want to consider how much you can deal with being with someone who doesn't "have your back".

AllPartOfThePlan Mon 05-Dec-16 07:06:55

You must have married my ex husband. It ended us to be honest. sad

EsmesBees Mon 05-Dec-16 07:07:51

Could he not tell his work there has been a family bereavement and take a few days annual leave to sort the bathroom out?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now