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Living only for yourself at 35. Want to give up

(51 Posts)
Helloyou4 Tue 29-Nov-16 19:48:20

How to cope with living only for yourself.

I'm 35. I have been single for 2 years, no DC.

I have a nice life... my job is good, home is nice. Friendships are strong.

I volunteer, and find that helps me feel less alone. But it's not enough. I still come home to somewheee that's lonely.

Ive considered housemates but feel I'm past all that... I like my own space.

I've had enough. What's the point in earning money and having a nice home when you have no family? It's all I've ever wanted, yet I've ended up with a great career and no financial worries... but no family. I resent it all and don't see the point to anyfing anymore. Dreading Christmas and being with family just reminds me I'm the odd one out, driving over alone while everyone is coupled up with their little kids.

palmadillio Tue 29-Nov-16 20:09:02

I feel for you. Have you thought about travelling for a year and renting your house out? It can be very fulfilling. I guess you could always return to your career afterwards?

Helloyou4 Tue 29-Nov-16 20:22:45

Yeah I have thought about it. I don't have the money at the money but it's something I could do in a year or so.

I used to be so full of expectation and excitement for life and it's all just gone... I just feel so empty. I can barely remember who I used to be anymore.

justfor Tue 29-Nov-16 20:23:19

I could have written your post at 35, and I well remember the emptiness and the loneliness that professional success and financial security just didn't make up for. I'm now 44, with a lovely husband I met when I was 38, a fabulous DD who is nearly 3 (and 3 great DSCs to boot). I know it's hard now, but don't lose hope.

Queenoftheblues Tue 29-Nov-16 20:25:40

You're still young enough to meet the right guy and have children. Maybe focus on meeting that man, give yourself a year, get a self help book and throw yourself into your goal. In the meantime become the favourite aunt to the kids of your friends and family- offer to babysit, take them for days out. It takes a village to raise a child and their parents will adore you for it.

LadyMetroland Tue 29-Nov-16 20:27:54

Do you do internet dating? I've been to several weddings of folk who met online.

At 35 you are still young.

Personally I wouldn't go travelling as you just end up back at square one after a year away.

Joysmum Tue 29-Nov-16 20:30:04

You say you volunteer, is it in a way that taps into the core of who you are?

I say this because I volunteer a lot but since July I've found a role that's very me in a charity that appeals greatly to my wish to help.

Voluntary roles before this really weren't as satisfying.

You say in your last sentence that you barely remember who you are anymore, if that's the case then there's a good chance your voluntary work isn't tapping into the core of what makes you tick.

Perhaps now is the time think back and reflect on what used to make you happy and see how you can incorporate similar into your life in 2017. I say this having done the same thing myself going into 2016. I've achieved the cliche of 'finding myself' and have therefore been able to do things for others that is as much about nurturing me.

tygr Tue 29-Nov-16 20:31:06

I'm 39 and totally get where you're coming from. I'd love my own family but time just seems to be slipping away. Don't give up hope though.

This time of year doesn't help either I don't think

CatBallou2 Tue 29-Nov-16 20:37:42

Sometimes it seems very hard to see what the purpose is. I don't have any extraordinary answers, just the usual, volunteering, which you do, meetups, book clubs, counselling. If you like animals, maybe volunteer at a local rescue centre.

I'm in a similar situation to you. I am older and was in a very long relationship up to the beginning of this year, and have had a lot of emotional turmoil to deal with, but I've decided to be as positive as I possibly can and hope for the best. It's the only thing that works for me, as I'm determined not to go down the road of depression.

Things will get better for you, but you have to take care of yourself and know that you matter. Would you consider fostering or adopting?

Helloyou4 Tue 29-Nov-16 20:39:40

Thanks so much everyone!!

I agree that traveling for a year may not help. I'm a bit of a home bird ag heart too. Maybe a few trips away would help to get some space.

Joysmum that's a good idea. I need to properly think about all that. I know I used to feel so much better about myself. I used to have moments of panic or feeling down, but they were outweighed by things I got excited about, even silly things like I used to love buying a new mascara... I don't even care about my appearance much anymore.

I have tried online dating. I will keep doing it. People seem to latch on very quickly which makes me feel it's not genuine and then I just back away. Can't seem to find the right one.

Toddlerteaplease Tue 29-Nov-16 20:40:19

I could have written your post. I love my job and have some good friends and rent a nice house. I got two cats and they have made a huge difference.

Toddlerteaplease Tue 29-Nov-16 20:41:07

I've tried online but not had much success with it.

Joysmum Tue 29-Nov-16 21:01:31

Ok so if appearance has been of importance in the past then revisit that, see if it makes you happy still. If it does, look in to voluntary roles that can tap in to that for those less fortunate to make them feel better about themselves...if that makes sense blush

For me, I love being organised, logical and financially sound. So now I do that for a charity to provide a businesslike head and help them achieve their aims by having an understanding of their finances, budgeting and planning when others are more focused on people and support.

I guess it's time for you to look inwards for what makes you tick so you can then do that for others. It's more satisfying than just filling a role that needs doing but with which you have no deep emotional connection to.

MimiSunshine Tue 29-Nov-16 21:01:47

I just wanted to comment to say that I met my BF online dating and we're now settled down with a baby, don't give up, not all of the blokes online are sex pest weirdos.

But I found rather than trying to build some sort of connection / friendship through email chattingfor weeks it was better to just arrange to meet for a drink / coffee pretty quickly I.e. A week after connecting.

Not every great bloke is a wordsmith and not every bloke who is, is someone you'll actually connect with IRL.

Helloyou4 Tue 29-Nov-16 21:09:26

I would definitely consider adopting, and I wanted to have a baby on my own earlier this year.

I just feel so sad. I don't want to go to work tomorrow, or even watch tv. I'm not interested in things anymore. I just feel sad. I am coping in the sense of getting through each day like a 'normal' person, but I feel so detached from life.

I went through a phase of comparing my life with others on Facebook (bad idea, I know!), and looking at family photos and thinking god I want that so much. But now I don't even do that! I am numb to it. It's as if I have accepted that's not for me.

How to fill the void is such a big question when it's a feeling.

April2013 Tue 29-Nov-16 23:56:01

If I was you I'd totally revisit the having a child on your own or adopting thing, I am tempted to think how you feel is at least partly out of your control and just to do with an instinct to start a family - I know I certainly felt pretty similar to you. It sounds a bit like you have decided you aren't having a family and are grieving for that but I think you should seriously consider doing it alone.

Helloyou4 Wed 30-Nov-16 07:08:46

April I think I will.

I just feel as if my life is such a mess right now, it feels chaotic in that I don't know myself anymore.

I can't remember the last time I felt happy. I used to love Christmas, the tree, the music, the excitement. Now I'm dreading it all and can't wait for it to be over.

There is no joy left in life anymore. I don't want to face anyone anymore.

Blu3glasscup2016 Wed 30-Nov-16 07:36:52

If you really want a family

Have you tried internet dating / introduction agencies that you pay for ?
Listening to the radio the other day, they try to match you to the kind of person that you are looking for. I would sign up for a couple

I would also flirt with everyone and generally enjoy life, you never know who you will meet

Do you have friends or family that can introduce you to single people ?

justawoman Wed 30-Nov-16 07:37:07

Hello, I can empathise and feel much the same at 38.

I would investigate having children on your own if family is so important and you're in a position to do so. Sooner is better than later if you mean to try the IUI/IVF route as over 35 your odds start to decrease.

I do wonder if you might be a bit depressed? Might be worth a chat with your GP. The feeling detached, lack of interest etc can be symptoms. I'm not minimising your life situation, but as someone in a similar boat who struggles with depression I know that when I'm depressed things look utterly hopeless as you describe, and when I'm not depressed I can see some hope and I also just enjoy my life, even with the sadness of being alone.

Take care xx

Allovertheworld16 Wed 30-Nov-16 07:41:29

A friend of mine felt just like you and had her own child using donor sperm at the age of 39. There was no other way she was going to do it.

Why don't you find out more about the process and in the meantime throw yourself into online dating.

Helloyou4 Wed 30-Nov-16 08:06:04

Thanks for the replies. It's really comforting.

I will look into the options, at least then I feel it's more in my control and I'm actually doing something about it.

I think my job is a huge factor in all this as well, I had a change in management a few months ago and it's been awful since then. Been applying for jobs but the industry is so competitive, it's hard.

I think my main feeling is that nothing feels good right now and being alone, those things are magnified. Oh... and Christmas. Absolutely dreading it.

I worry I wouldn't get pregnant at 35 too

Allovertheworld16 Wed 30-Nov-16 08:09:53

That's why it's best to get on with things now. I had left it too late at 37. I will pm you.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 30-Nov-16 08:25:54

Like a PP, I have a friend who had a baby on her own.
She has a wonderful little boy now.
She started the process and had her baby at 39.
She is a fantastic mum.
Definitely look into your options.

I also agree it sounds like the start of depression so do make an appt with your GP and investigate that.

Milzilla Wed 30-Nov-16 08:36:11

I was in your position at 34/35.

What helped me?

Citalopram (low dose) definitely took the edge off feeling anxious/down and I was able to feel some joy again - maybe worth seeing your doctor?

My cats - love them to pieces, never feel lonely at home, always making me laugh

Initiating the process of starting a family on my own. Figured being a mum was something I didn't want to miss out on - would also take the pressure off meeting someone which can then happen anytime.

Good luck to you love. Fight for a life you want x

Milzilla Wed 30-Nov-16 08:37:56

Ps the family but can take a long time so consider starting the process (fertility treatment or adoption) soon if it's something you want to do.

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