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I appear to have been ghosted by my lifetime best friend :(

(25 Posts)
Hogwashhotpants Tue 29-Nov-16 19:30:36

I've known my best friend since we were 7yo, we're now both close to 50. Our lives have known many ups and downs along the way. We live far apart from one another and rarely see each other but when we do we pick up again like we've never been apart. Both of us have had big stuff going on in our lives. Hers was very messy early on, mine has been messy the last 3/4years but has lately settled down. We last spoke at the beginning of the year. In recent months I've txt'd and emailed and had no response. I thought I'd leave it and give it time but still silence. Then I phoned her home and it just went to answerphone. It seems I can't get hold of her at all. I'm sure she knows I've made contact. I'm hurt if she just wants to drop the relationship, I'd rather she was straight with me and just said she's outgrown it or whatever - if that's what's happened. I don't want to make a pest of myself and call her parents (who know me well & like me) as they're very elderly now and I don't want to cause any distress. There have been no 'incidents' between myself and my friend. I don't understand what's happened but it's been months now and she hasn't responded to any of my messages. I'm a bit heartbroken if I'm honest since we knew each other as children. What would you do?

BumDNC Tue 29-Nov-16 19:36:18

I would be quite worried if it's out of character. Call her parents it would only be out of concern

Cricrichan Tue 29-Nov-16 19:36:40

I've got 2 best friends who I've known almost all my life and if that happened I'd persevere and call any mutual friends or their family.

I must say that I have a very busy life as I've got children and they don't, so if it's a phonecall I sometimes delay it for when I know I've got a spare hour or so.

She may have stuff going on and either too busy or doesn't want to talk about it to her bestie until she comes to term with it.

Laska5772 Tue 29-Nov-16 19:37:07

But what make you think you are being ghosted? I would just call her parents .. maybe she is ll? just say something like: 'Hello , its Hogwash ..look this is so daft , but ive lost my phone and I am such a dunce without it , I simply cant remember xxs number ! Can you give me it?

Then chat chat , how are you , any news? how is she? They will tell you if anything is wrong and then you will know.. ..

Five2ate Tue 29-Nov-16 19:37:50

Oh how awful for you. I'm a similar age to you and have a close friend since the age of 12. We've had our ups and downs but would hate to be in this situation. If you've had no fallout as such I can think of two things that might be feasible. Mental Health issue, could she be depressed? Or menopause? I've been peri menopausal for a few years now and whilst fine at the moment I went through a very awful patch mentally where I really didn't want to amswer emails/talk on the phone/socialise.

Do you have a mutual friend or a family member you can contact?


Hogwashhotpants Tue 29-Nov-16 19:43:21

I am sure of her phone no. so no worries there. I am reluctant to contact her parents because they're in their 80s now and I know her dm has poor mental health. Her df is an abusive arse and I wouldn't want to stir things for the dm by speaking to the df. I don't have contact numbers for anyone else in her family. I did wonder if one of her parents had died but they seem to be still with us from online checks I've done. We never normally go this long without speaking, it's out of character. Total silence. She's always been so sorted, organised and reliable. I have a horrible feeling that maybe she's had enough of me sad Even though nothing bad has passed between us.

Stonebees Tue 29-Nov-16 19:48:27

When this happened to me, it turned out a horrible thing had happened to my friend. I deeply regret not making more of an effort to show I was there for her - as she later did for me. :-( I would suggest continuing to try to reach her.

JammyGeorge Tue 29-Nov-16 19:55:33

This happened to me and her abusive arse of a boyfriend had told her I'd been slagging her off. I hadn't said anything and had no idea. She totally blanked me for the best part of a year, I was perplexed.

Eventually she rang me in floods of tears as they had fallen out and it all came out. I was furious at him and hurt that she would believe I would do that.

Is there a 3rd party anywhere that could of stirred things?

Hogwashhotpants Tue 29-Nov-16 19:56:01

Eeeek, (grit my teeth) I bit the bullet and phoned her parents.... I do hope she doesn't take offence when she finds out. I tried to handle the conversation as well as I might as I know her mum is the nervous type. It appears all is well and normal with her, at least that's what they told me. She is 'very busy' bringing up her dc. That was it - nothing else. So I just wished them all well for xmas & left it at that. Still none-the-wiser confused

Hogwashhotpants Tue 29-Nov-16 19:57:56

No, there's no 3rd party around that I know of. We move in totally different circles and our extended families have no contact.

MistyMinge Tue 29-Nov-16 20:00:43

I'd be tempted to turn up at her house. At least that way you'll know for certain. Be honest - say you're worried about her, worried you've upset her, miss her etc etc.

BumDNC Tue 29-Nov-16 20:01:03

I'm glad she is well. I think at least now you don't have the worry that something awful has happened

HeyRoly Tue 29-Nov-16 20:02:08

Maybe try one last ditch attempt at contact and leave it at that.

Send a Christmas card with a paragraph saying you've been perplexed at her lack of response to texts and emails this year, and you're wondering if there's a problem. And if she just doesn't want to hear from you anymore, that's fine, you won't be in touch again.

Tone is everything here, so you'll have to be careful not to sound angry or guilt trippy or self piteous. But that's what I'd do. Clearly she IS ignoring you, so rather than upset yourself with continued attempts to get in touch, I'd give her one last chance.

tribpot Tue 29-Nov-16 20:03:40

Do you normally exchange Christmas cards? I think the next move is probably to put a note in saying you've not heard from her for ages and you hope everything is well, maybe suggesting something specific, like a get together at the end of February?

user1477282676 Tue 29-Nov-16 20:06:54

I'm thinking of my lifelong best friend and if she did this, I'd turn up on her doorstep.

If she didn't want to know me, then at least I'd know for sure and then could leave her alone.

But it must be awful OP! Sorry about this.x

Lorelei76 Tue 29-Nov-16 20:07:15

I'll be honest, I've never ghosted but I have broken off a couple of friendships
Likewise a couple of people have done it to me

I wonder if it's worth dropping her a line and saying "I think you don't want to be in touch but please could you drop me a line so we can be sure there's not been any misunderstanding and I haven't offended or upset you"

I think one of the people was trying to ghost me but after I dropped her a line saying that, she replied and said it's not you, I'm dropping a few people from my old life.

I'm sorry, I know it sucks even more when it's for such vague reasons, for a long time I thought it must be my fault. flowers

Sagacity Tue 29-Nov-16 20:07:27

I can sympathise as similar has happened to me. Phoned twice and spoke to her husband/daughter as she was out but she never returned my call. Sent text message suggesting meeting up - again nothing. So I'm a bit hmm.
So my plan now is to write letter, just saying I'm thinking of her and not suggesting any return correspondence or meeting. Then see what happens.
I know how you feel though. I always think it must be something I've done.
Anyway hope you get resolution.

elfies Tue 29-Nov-16 20:21:54

She could be on a bit of a downer and feeling depressed ,when everything is just beyond her .
Maybe a visit would be a tonic for her and cheer her up ,and be a big reassurance for you too

Liara Tue 29-Nov-16 20:24:07

Oh, gosh, I could be your friend to any number of mine.

TBH, I am just so unbelievably busy most of the time that I barely have time to breathe, let alone anything else. I am quite an introvert, so if I have had a lot of contact with others in the course of doing the things I have to do, I have no emotional energy to reach out even to people I genuinely love, I get all socialised out and need to be alone with what time I have available.

The friends I have kept over the years are the ones who understand and don't assume it is anything to do with them or take offence. When I get round to it I do get in contact, and with my genuine friends it is as if nothing had happened in between, even if it has been months or years.

sonjadog Tue 29-Nov-16 20:25:02

I would ask her straight. I think after all these years it is fair to ask. I can be a bit useless with friends. I have limited need for social contact and if I am busy, I can drop completely off the radar. I know I should reply, but time passes and I never quite get round to it... Maybe it is something similar with her?

wobblywonderwoman Tue 29-Nov-16 20:30:23

I have a friend who I went out with every weekend, she was bridesmaid for me abd friend for two years after my wedding when I had a baby.. She met the baby once abd never returned. I asked her to go on nights out, rang, no word .. Nothing.

To this day I don't know what I did wrong. But I wouldn't pursue it. She obviously doesn't want to contact you. Its hard but I would leave it now.

BantyCustards Tue 29-Nov-16 20:31:16

I have one really great friend. We've been friends for 30 years. If she just suddenly disappeared without some event between us prior I would be calling her nearest and dearest to make sure she is ok.

tiej Tue 29-Nov-16 20:42:27

wobbly, could your friend have had fertility problems? or been desperate to get married and have kids?

ChangedMyMind Tue 29-Nov-16 20:56:06

I got close to ghosting a best friend - it was all about my mental wellbeing (well lack of) at the time. Can't explain it but just couldn't deal with having some being "close" to me.

GrandDesespoir Tue 29-Nov-16 22:37:16

People seem to do this these days. IMO, unless you have done something unforgivably atrocious, it's mean and cowardly, especially if you have made attempts to find out why communication has ceased.

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