Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Screwed up my relationship :(

(21 Posts)
Mumtotwobuttons Tue 29-Nov-16 12:51:47

I'm new, hi smile Just had a baby daughter and also have a almost 3 year old boy. My partner and I have been together for 14 years (since we were 15 and 17) 5 years ago we grew apart, he went out drinking Friday - Monday, we literally just lived together. I started chatting to someone (started as friends, just someone to chat to really) I realised things weren't going to get better with my bf so I split with him and moved back to my parents. me and the other guy met now and again and kissing and oral happened, something I feel disgusted in now! Nothing happened when I was with my bf though. Anyway. We ended up getting back together because he started to actually be the guy I knew before and I love him so knew it was what I wanted. Fast forward to now and he's always gone on about how I cheated on him and this morning he had another dream about me cheating so at 4am whilst doing my night feed, he turned to me and asked if he can trust me, this turned into a argument about the past and starred questioning me about what happened and to swear on our kids lives that nothing more than meeting up happened. I couldn't do this because we kissed and oral once. This obviously made him really upset, calling me slag etc and has said he's moving out tonight and will see kids on evenings and weekends. He's said he wouldn't go on if it wasn't for the kids. I feel absolutely heartbroken that I have caused this much hurt and hate myself for hurting him. He won't listen to the fact we weren't together and I know it's no justification but he split from me numerous times and slept with other girls! I thought that us having children, building a home together would prove that I want to be a family with him and for years I've saud about getting married but he's been hesitant and I guess this is why. I've suggested counciling but don't think he'll come. Please has anyone been in this situation and been able to get their partners to trust them again or trusted your partner? Any suggestions or advice on how we can move forward and rebuild this?

SheDoesntEvenGoHere Tue 29-Nov-16 13:15:38

'he split from me numerous times and slept with other girls!'

Do you think his guilty conscious could be getting the better of him and hes deflecting?

Waltermittythesequel Tue 29-Nov-16 13:20:09

This guy is an utter prick and complete waste of space.

I'll tell you how you fix it: dump his sorry arse.

Mumtotwobuttons Tue 29-Nov-16 13:21:02

When I brought it up he said I'm just trying to get out of it. I really don't know, he said he keeps having the dreams of me cheating and so that day he'll be thinking about it.

Cricrichan Tue 29-Nov-16 13:23:38

What an idiot. Not only were you split up with him so what happened then has nothing to do with your relationship, but the hypocritical shit has slept with numerous girls every time you've split up.

Don't you dare apologise and justify to that idiot.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 29-Nov-16 13:35:30

I'll tell you how you fix it: dump his sorry arse
THIS ^^ with bells on.
Any bloke that can call the person he is supposed to love a slag and worse is s total and utter knob!
I think he's done a real number on you.
He can do it, and far worse, but you can't.
One rule for him and one rule for you.
NOT OK.
You are young.
Don't tie yourself to this dipshit.
Tell the hypocritical twat to fuck off and not come back.
Oh... and he doesn't get to play happy families evenings and weekends.
He has the kids one night a week and every other weekend.
Make sure you set that up and fast.
Don't let him just stroll in and out of your house and your life.
He wants to go so he fucks off and stays away.

I think you might benefit from doing the Freedom Programme.
Have a google. You can do it on line.

Happybunny19 Tue 29-Nov-16 13:44:04

Exactly as Hellsbells said. I'm actually seething for you. How the fuck can he go on like that while you're up in the night feeding his baby? He's an utter shit you're well rid of. He needs to grow up and I would imagine he's going to be flabbergasted when you've had enough and boot him out. Even if you want to stay with him, make him move out until he realises what an utter wankstain he is.

Mumtotwobuttons Tue 29-Nov-16 13:51:20

I think the issue is that I met him when we were together and we chatted and then things happened once I split up with my partner. I haven't stopped crying all day, thankfully my little boy has been at nursery today and my newborn doesn't understand anything. I can't get him to talk to me sad

StefCWS Tue 29-Nov-16 13:53:04

I would actually say to him, "your right, we should split up if you are going to keep going on about it and make my life hell" I think he is trying to punish you for something he is up to.

Tell him he is driving you nuts and his lack of confidence and wanting you to baby him is putting you off him

to have a go at you at 4am in the morning, he is trying to exhaust you and belittle you, tell him to fuck off

happymumof4crazykids Tue 29-Nov-16 13:55:21

Sounds to me like he is deflecting and trying to make you feel bad as he is either up to no good himself or feels guilty of his past behaviour. Either way it doesn't sound like there is much you can do about it.

Pagwatch Tue 29-Nov-16 13:55:26

He's an absolute arsehole.

Mumtotwobuttons Tue 29-Nov-16 13:56:23

Thank you all for seeing my side of it, was a little nervous that I'd be called all sorts. I would never have even looked at another person if I thought we even had any sort of relationship. I can't believe that 5 years later and it's done this amount of damage all over again, just as we've had another baby and Christmas around the corner. :' (

All I want is my family together and in spite of everything I thought we'd turned a corner and actually thought this Xmas would be the year we got engaged. He feels broken because I didn't say that I'd given this guy oral, but all he ever asked was whether we'd slept together (we didn't) and I can't see the point on sharing details because I know that details play on his mind!

Mumtotwobuttons Tue 29-Nov-16 13:58:39

I think some time apart is probably what he needs. Just going to break my heart explaining to my lb that his daddy isn't living here.

skilledintheartofnothing Tue 29-Nov-16 13:59:05

I would tell him to fuck right off to be honest.
What you did when you were on a break is no more your business than what he did is yours. Do you hold the fact he was shagging about over his head? No, Then he needs to do the same.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 29-Nov-16 14:02:16

I'm sorry but I agree with some of the other posters.
He is 'projecting'
He's making you the bad guy here when he is probably up to no good (AGAIN)
Honestly, you are well rid of this wankbadger.
Get some family and friends around you for support.

Reflection, hypocrisy. What a catch.

We ended up getting back together because he started to actually be the guy I knew before...

So, he became a 17-year-old again? I'm only kidding; most 17 y.os I know would he ashamed to act the way he does.

Sounds to me like you've moved on/grown up and he hasn't.

Deflection, not reflection. #badphone

Finola1step Tue 29-Nov-16 14:10:11

To steal a classic line..."You were in a break!".

It was 5 years ago. In your own head, you need to put this to rest. You did nothing wrong.

He has also had sexual experiences with others when you are not together.

You have not "screwed up" your relationship. He has.

His behaviour screams of guilty conscience. I would put good money on the possibility that there is already another woman. Who will be introduced in time to come as a good friend, or someone he has recently met.

He is behaving like this so that you feel like the bad guy. So he can walk away scot free. Sorry, but there will be much, much more to come. flowers

PenguinsandPebbles Tue 29-Nov-16 14:11:45

I think you should end the relationship for good.

It almost sounds like he is instigating a split so he can then go off and have sex with somebody else and justify it.

He sounds an arse of the highest order.

BantyCustards Tue 29-Nov-16 14:19:43

He's a hypocritical controlling arse.

The hills are over here >>>

ijustwannadance Tue 29-Nov-16 14:32:46

What everyone else said.

He is bullshitting you about the dreams. Emotional blackmail. Looking for an excuse to lay all blame at your door to give him a reason to split up again and fuck someone else. Don't fall for this OP. Let him leave and never let him back in.

Fucking, maniplulative, controlling hypocrite.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now