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Anyone here loose their mum when they were a child/teenager?

(37 Posts)
ringaling Tue 29-Nov-16 09:17:12

My mum passed away with cancer when I was 14,a week before Christmas and now here I am 30 still heartbroken.
I miss her so much.
I honestly still sometimes can't believe il never see her again.
She was the best mum in the world,and she was just taken away like that.
Has anyone here lost their mum?
How do you cope?
How do you try and not remember?
So many good memories of her and all I remember is the sound of the undertaker zipping her up and taking her away ..I just remember thinking how dare you take my mum..
Sorry for being so depressing,in 20 days it will be 16 years.
16 whole years...without her

Angleshades Tue 29-Nov-16 09:59:13

Op flowers for you. That is a horrible thing to go through and it is always going to have some kind of impact on your life. It wouldn't be normal if it didn't affect you in some way still, especially if you had a good relationship. Have you had any counselling for it? It sounds like you still have this gaping hole in your life where your mum used to be. You have all this love for her but no where for it to go sad

I noticed your other thread about the guy you're currently seeing. Perhaps the reason you are taking crumbs from him is because you need to feel close to someone. Maybe this is related in some way to losing your mum. I might be clutching at straws here but it might be worth exploring this with a counsellor and seeing if this is the reason you're giving too many chances to people who don't deserve them.

I lost my dad in my early teenage years. It turned my life upside down as he meant everything to me and was a wonderful loving dad. My mum couldn't cope and became an alcoholic within a year of him passing. My teenage years were extremely unhappy as a result. I can understand the effects of losing a parent so young can have on your life choices further down the road. I'm guilty of having made a few bum choices myself though don't know whether that's just me generally being impulsive and acting from the heart rather than the head.

My heart ache for my dad healed when I had my dd. She filled that yawning gap I had in my life. All my love I had for my dad I was able to give to her. I no longer have nightmares about watching him die and trying to revive him. It's almost like my life has gone full circle and feels complete again. Having my dd has been the best therapy for me. Not saying everyone who has lost a parent should have a child but just saying it helped me enormously.

Owllady Tue 29-Nov-16 10:02:31

I'm sorry about your mum sad
My sister died when she was young and it leaves a gaping hole that never really goes away. I had a bit of psychotherapy which really helped but it's normal to feel sad. It's a sad thing, so you will feel sad. It's also very isolating as its not something that happens to young people generally, so you feel alone with it.
I hope you are ok x

Sosidges Tue 29-Nov-16 10:35:13

It is 43 years since I lost my dad. I don't think you ever get over such a loss, you just endure the heartbreak. There are times of the year when it is harder than others. My biggest difficulty is that I feel so cheated out of his love. It is also hard, because only those who have suffered such a loss really understand. I send love to you at this time.

danTDM Tue 29-Nov-16 10:39:15

so sorry for your pain OP flowers

ringaling Tue 29-Nov-16 12:32:05

Thankyou everyone.
No I've had no counselling,I have had CBT for anxiety but nothing for my mums death.
Sorry to everyone who has also lost people.
There is a huge hole in my life and I think I just want to love someone and feel loved.
My mum was so affectionate and I'm an only child so I had all her attention.
Used to come home from school for lunch.
Before she got ill I was terrified I would loose her one day,I remember when I was about 7 sitting in class waiting for the bell for home time and would panic till I seen her outside the class waiting for me.
I don't think il ever get over it if I'm honest ..
When she was in hospital,she took one of my coats with her and put it on the door and said when she was scared she would look at the coat and feel safe because I was there..stupid things like that still upset me.
They say time heals most things but I don't think time will ever heal this.

TeenageCentaurMortificado Tue 29-Nov-16 12:35:56

Yep. Just turned 16. Week after Xmas.
She was 34 (I'm 36 now)
Totally out of the blue. She had 'flu'.

I grew up over night. I don't think I actually grieved properly until I was coming up to her age. Funny what the brain does to you.

My heart goes out to you my love

fruityb Tue 29-Nov-16 12:46:55

I was 15 and now 34 when I lost my mum. I spend a lot of time feeling cheated - my older sister had an excellent relationship with her. She was married and had kids and they further bonded through that. Whereas I was a teenager who had a difficult relationship at times due to struggling with various aspects of my life and never feeling like mum was there. My brother has SN though not too severe but he was very babied and I often felt I was passed over when I needed her due to this. As a result I've always been independent yet needy, struggled in situations where I do something wrong and don't know how to deal with it (I get very defensive very quickly), and can feel quite bitter about my past experiences with mum as she could be a tough woman who had high expectations and standards for me and I never felt any of my siblings got that. I used to get told off for washing my hair too much, wasn't allowed to shave my legs, had ridiculous messy hair that I hated as mum was never allowed long hair as a child (as an adult I've had a short style).

Yet as an adult I miss her dreadfully. I had a difficult time as a kid and think mum found my tom boy tendencies too much. She never liked my friends and always blamed them for any bad behaviour at school - which I found ridiculously frustrating! But mum never saw me graduate, never saw me create and develop my career and will never see me get married or meet her grandson. She would have been an amazing grandma and would have had the biggest hat at my wedding! I do a lot of things mum did - I sew, knit, crochet.... but I always feel cheated that our relationship ended and I never got to show her what I could become if she left me to it!

Wow. That was long.

TheTantrumCometh Tue 29-Nov-16 12:52:22

No I haven't been through that, but I'm very sorry that you have.

I lost my DF this year and I'm nearly 30 and it was still an enormous thing to deal with. I cannot imagine having to try and cope and work through those feelings at such a young age. It must have been unbearable and the anniversary must be a very difficult time for you.

If it still feels unprocessed then I would second (third?) what others have said about speaking to someone. I don't think it's like waving a magic wand but I think they're able to give you the appropriate tools to help you through, especially at difficult times. flowers

Owllady Tue 29-Nov-16 13:02:38

Fruityb, I'm pretty sure your mum loved you for who you were anyway x
My 15 yo thinks I get on at him. Aren't fair with him etc (middle child) I'm actually incredibly proud of him, he's such a lovely boy. Your mum will have felt the same about you, I promise!

weepingwillows Tue 29-Nov-16 13:17:11

You just had me weeping my eyes out!CAnt even see to type. My mum died when I was 14 too. And 29 years after it still affects me all the time. not to rubbish anyones else's experience but I think it is the worst age. Younger children might not remember and older are maybe able to understand and process it better but a teenager is at a very sensitive age. I was at a stage were like many teenagers was having issues with my parents and not having repaired that relationship as an adult means its like there is something left undone and that kind of stays with you. I think I went through a couple of decades in denial, partied and had disastrous relationships. I could never really commit to things because on one side I felt there was no point nobody cares and on the other hand
rebelling against being sensible and adult. I can see now that that is basically because in a lot of ways because of the trauma I stayed in that teenage stage of between childhood abandon and adult responsibility. I have had some therapy and I have kids but its still this big thing hanging over my head. after so long its not even about the person anymore as I slowly lost that memory of facial features, mannerisms, voice, smell. (that is hard enough to bear). its more the concept of not having someone in your life that loves you in spite of whatever. that will love your kids just because they are yours, that thinks of you, that understands you, that you don't always have to be polite to or 'normal' to. you know when you need to offload stuff. Christmas is always hard for me as she always made it so special. I struggle to try to make it something special for my kids but really I just want to make it all go away.
Anyway sorry OP probably not what you want to hear and I am sure others will have better experiences and can give you tips on how to have more positive experiences.

JessicaEccles Tue 29-Nov-16 13:20:45

''When she was in hospital,she took one of my coats with her and put it on the door and said when she was scared she would look at the coat and feel safe because I was there..stupid things like that still upset me''

That made me cry as well...... I lost my mither when I was in my early 20s- like you, an only child. Twenty five years later I still can't come to terms with it. It gets kind of worse as I get older as I just think she missed out on so much.

And like you, I ended up with some crummy boyfriends- just desperate for affection.

Stilltryingtobeme Tue 29-Nov-16 13:26:33

Not my mum but my dad died when I was 12. Sadly my mum was abusive too so I lost my only parent. I'm in my 30's and still a huge hole. I'll never get over it. And you know what? I think that's OK. I miss my dad and wish he knew my children. I think it's normal to feel that way.

ringaling Tue 29-Nov-16 13:28:20

Sorry for putting a downer on everyone..
I feel like when I do eventually have kids who will I have with me?
I'm so envious when I see women with their mums.
Il be in the supermarket and see the women in their 50s elderly mum in tow.
I'm even jealous of my Aunty and her daughter.
When my Aunty is worrying about my cousin,I'm jealous because my mum was stolen away..why my mum not my Aunty (I hate myself for thinking that)
I've never had that phone call from a mum worrying where I am or what I'm doing,or going over for a Sunday roast.
I go to the cemetery to feel close to her but I don't feel anything when I go there.
She isn't really there
I do believe she watches over,I have to believe that because if I didn't I don't think I would be able to put one foot in front of the other.

MySordidCakeSecret Tue 29-Nov-16 13:30:32

My mum died very suddenly when I was 12. Fine one day, suffering from headaches that was all, the next she suffered a hemorrhage and i got to see her for a short time, brain dead, on life support before they turned it off.

It took me a long time to grieve, pretty much all of my teenage years i suffered from depression, self harming, mental health issues and such. Became a mother at 17. Now I cope by just loving my children and trying not to think of what could have been, it only hurts.

I get scared sometimes thinking it could happen to me, and what my children would go through if i was to die. I get sad sometimes when I'm bustling around after my two children and i think, is this what it was like for my mum? because i feel more of a connection now with her as a mother struggling with day to day things. I found out some details recently which were very upsetting, i tried my best to process them, let out the grief and then "put it away" so to speak.

I enjoy speaking to my aunt about her, looking over pictures, talking to my children about her. It hurts op, it always will do. Death isn't fair, sudden or prolonged. I didn't find counselling helpful personally, but samaritans is really useful if it gets too much and you just need to talk about it with someone. Hope you are feeling better soon.

BurningBridges Tue 29-Nov-16 13:42:55

My mum died 41 years ago when I was 13 - I am now 54, the same age she was when she died, and my youngest daughter is 13. My childhood was unhappy anyway, and for this to happen to me, well, I feel I never stood a chance - I meet up with old school friends now and they say how sad they felt for me. I thought I'd managed my life very well since and had some achievements I am proud of, then I have DDs of course, but I think that early loss marks you for life. I've worked with marginalised people and drug addicts and in counselling usually every one of them can point to a loss like this.

Of course, not suggesting that's where any of us are going! But it is a terrible burden; I had no family support afterwards in fact very little family, this was the 70s and you just got on with it. When I compare my kids' life now to what I went through it really brings it home. They now also worry about me dying all the time- they see my mum's picture on the wall and know what happened, and they think well, this is the sort of thing that happens, it could be us next. My two best friends who were like favourite aunts to them also died around the same age - its put death firmly on their radar.

I was helped by EMDR therapy (have a google) through the NHS, and also by Hope Edelman's books which are often recommended on Mumsnet:

www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/reviews/book-of-a-lifetime-motherless-daughters-by-hope-edelman-1796022.html

(good review of it from the Independent)

and

Motherless Mothers - hopeedelman.com

- sat crying reading the latter going "YES!! that's how it is!!"

So sorry for everyone who has been through this, its not right and its not ok. sad My only comfort is that I can now experience it again almost through being a mother myself - means I make a lot of mistakes, after all I have no experience of mothering after 13!

Sosidges Tue 29-Nov-16 14:27:49

ringaling I do t think you need to apologise for posting. It is hard to talk about these things to other people who have not been through this. Here there is a little community who, while not really offering comfort or solutions, can give you a voice.

ringaling Tue 29-Nov-16 14:53:02

It's good for me to actually write it all down.
None of my friends have lost parents so they don't understand.
One friend tried to tell me she lost a goldfish and tried to compare it..how I didn't loose my cool il never jnow

TheCakes Tue 29-Nov-16 15:02:10

I was a bit older, 18, when my dad died suddenly, three days before Christmas. My whole world and sense of stability shattered into pieces and 20 years on, I still don't feel like the same person.
Fruity, I am also independent but needy. I was a hot-headed teen and pushed the boundaries, where my dad was strict. There was friction, that I regret.
It's frustrating, because I think he'd like to have seen how I turned out. He never saw me graduate, get married or have my two boys. God, I could have done with him during my single mum years.
It's good to hear people talk about this. I still talk to a few close friends but none of them have had the same experience.
OP, I get very wistful around Christmas but a few years ago my brother and I started a new tradition of going for a pint on his anniversary. That's a nice thing for us to do.

Vagabond Tue 29-Nov-16 15:06:42

Ringaling - your friend is an asshole. Although, to be fair, some people just don't know what to say and say stupid things in desperation.
My mother lost her mother during her birth - ie., she died giving birth to my mother. My mum has never really been allowed to celebrate her birthday and was shunned in many ways by her family.
Although she never knew her mother, it affected her (and us, her children) her whole life. She is now elderly and still grieves the mother she never had.
Your OP is not depressing at all, it's just incredibly sad. You are allowed to grieve and of course be affected by it. I would just urge you to steer away from my mother's path which has been to let it affect almost every aspect of her life.

SciFiFan2015 Tue 29-Nov-16 15:13:43

Yes. I was 8, she was 28. She died suddenly in an accident related to a long term medical condition she had. It's been 30 years this year. The grief never goes away and there are a multitude of milestones.
Having children brought new highs and lows. New highs because I understood how she must have felt about her children. Lows because the grief is new and you, once again, feel the loss.
Other people don't understand, unless they have similar experience.
I'll also never understand why the parents of my friends weren't kinder to me. If that (god forbid) ever happens to any of my children's friends I will be kinder and loving.

Zahraam86 Tue 29-Nov-16 15:26:06

I was 24 when I lost my mum my little sister was 14 our mum was only 46- this was 6 years ago. It crushed us- the pain never goes away but maybe time makes it hurt less. not a day goes by where I don't think about her and what it would have been like having her there at my wedding , having her be a grandma to my kids and just generally asking her for tips and advice on life. I miss everything about her but mostly just her warmth its never going to get easier but unfortunately we have to keep going. sorry for you loss OP

Blumkin Tue 29-Nov-16 15:28:43

I dont actually have any clear memories of my mum - she died when I was 6 but I've blocked out pretty much all childhood memories, my earliest clear lucid ones are from secondary school.

I'm now mid 30s and approaching her final age. And recently I've developed huge health anxiety, she was healthy and fit and then she wasn't.....

The fact that she died is not something I really talk about with anyone. Friends have known me for years, and I've never outright mentioned it - if they ever ask about my mum (e.g. Are you spending Xmas with her?) I'll answer honestly but if they don't bring it up then I dont either.

TheCakes Tue 29-Nov-16 15:53:22

I get the health anxiety too, as I enter my 40s. I think it's quite common for people in our circumstances. My dad died of a heart attack, totally out of the blue.
I was sent for some tests on my heart this month as an aside to another (non-worrying) condition I have and they've called me back to discuss the results tomorrow. I asked for them over the phone, but the GP insisted I go for a face to face appointment.
Trying to keep busy....

Caken Tue 29-Nov-16 16:04:38

When I was 12, it was sudden and unexpected despite having been unwell for some time. I was orphaned when she died as my dad had also died very unexpectedly a few months before. I'm also 30 and still struggle with it all; still so upset that I never got to have that mother/daughter relationship that so many of my friends have. And so upset she never got to meet my children, sad that as an adult I don't know her and in a way because I was just a child I feel like we never knew the 'real' each other.

Have some very un-mumsnet hugs, it's such a horrible thing to go through flowers

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