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Hung up on my ex

(17 Posts)
user1480394138 Tue 29-Nov-16 05:29:22

Hello ladies. I'm a very confused guy who needs some solid womanly advice.

After being apart for 5 1/2 years my daughters mom told me she wishes she was with me.

We were only together for 4 months but it was an amazing 4 months. She was the one. She was the one who after 5 1/2 years I have never been able to get over. Who every time I see her my heart beats faster and I feel those damn butterflies.

The time I was with her was the happiest time of my life. Then she got pregnant. The pregnancy while terrifying only made me love her more. Unfortunately for her she felt like her entire life wasn't in control anymore and she ended things.

She also told me if I had asked her to marry me the day before she says she would have.

I had always dreamed about what it would be like to become a dad. I always wanted to be a part of the pregnancy but I missed out on everything. Although she did allow me to be in the delivery room. ( I have new respect for women after witnessing that )

I've been a big part of my daughters life since she was born. And my world revolves around her.

Now the problem. My silly ex ran off and got married. She admits she was scared, angry at herself, couldn't look me in the eye. And didn't want to do it on her own so she married one of her oldest friends. As she put it the safest guy she could find.

They were married when my daughter was 8 months old. And they've struggled since the start. She told me that she has been in therapy for quite awhile.

What I'm struggling with is that they had a boy together last year.

I don't think my ex meant to tell me that she wishes she was with me. But she did, then she repeated it a few more times as we talked.

She told me once before that she had regrets. I assumed she regretted hurting me. Which she says she does and her confessing that was when the conversation started to snowball into the bombshell that she dropped on me.

Obviously her marriage isn't working. But dare I confess my feelings to her.

That night I gave her the most plutonic hug I could muster and told her that I forgive her for hurting me and that she needs to forgive herself. I was emotionally paralyzed after hearing that. I didn't know what to think. Now I'm confused. When she picked my daughter up after the weekend I cried like I haven't cried in years. Felt like my family was walking away.

This has freed me from the rejection I've been dealing with all these years. I'm a decent looking guy who has never had an issue getting girls. But I gave up on dating a couple years ago. There is only one woman I want to be with. But if I do try to get her back does that make me a terrible person?

Btw. I probably sound like a teenager but I'm 35 she is 34

Rubyslippers7780 Tue 29-Nov-16 06:16:35

Hi,
This sounds really hard and you have my sympathies but if your ex really wanted to be with you she wouldn't have had another baby with someone else and be with someone else. You have put your life on hold and are now not dating anyone else but she tells you she regrets not being with you but does nothing to be with you. You need to stop thinking you will be together and get out there and find someone who wants to be with you. You have a child together and you obviously have to deal with your ex over access etc but other than that cut her off. She is really damaging you. You have the rest of your life - you could meet someone really special and be happy but she is blocking you with this game she is playing. She doesn't want to be with you ( or she would be as she clearly knows how you feel ). Good luck - this is hard but she is not the one for you if she treats you like this.

user1480394138 Tue 29-Nov-16 07:08:28

I've never told her how I feel. I've kept our relationship amicable, we don't talk, we don't hang out, separate Christmases etc...

But she does text me every night with an update about my daughters day. I'm starting to see that it's probably not healthy that a text from my ex is the thing I look most forward to every evening.

I just want to tell her how I feel. Give her the choice then I'll have to learn to accept the outcome and if it doesn't go in my favour I'll have to shut down the daily texting.

AndShesGone Tue 29-Nov-16 07:24:25

The thing is, none of this is grounded in reality. It's all star crossed lovers, missed opportunities, love missed out on.

In short it's bollocks.

Anyone who tells you they'd have married you yesterday but they're dumping you today is being a right arse.

And hanging on to what you think is 'love' all this time is daft.

It's not love, it's a bad plot point.

By all means tell her you'd like to make a go of it. But ground it in reality, don't start some little hackneyed affair where you hurt the only victim in this - clue, it's the nice guy who married her and took on your kid.

Try to keep it real.

Itsmylife73 Tue 29-Nov-16 07:30:02

Agreee with the married yesterday dumped today. That is pure tosh.

I would work on finding a way to deal with your feelings and move on as there are thousands of people you could potentially have a happy life with.

She shouldn't be encouraging you either!

Bluntness100 Tue 29-Nov-16 07:32:26

Sorry, I think she's keeping you dangling. She obviously knows how you feel, even though you tried to hide it, mostly people can tell these things. She married another man and had a kid with him, and she's telling you just enough to keep you interested, which can be an ego boost to some. I wonder what she's telling her husband.

I agree, call her on it, then give it a time limit, then move on. Otherwise your going to wake up one day, look back and wish you'd done more with your life.

TheNaze73 Tue 29-Nov-16 08:12:31

She's manipulating you, stay well clear of her (outside of arrangements for your child).
They may have been 4 good months but, it was only 4 months & she binned you off after such a short time.

user1480394138 Tue 29-Nov-16 19:52:16

Thank you everyone. I feel I have more clarity now.

This has been a very hard confusing week for me. I have to tell her how I feel. But I don't believe it will change anything. hopefully it will bring me closure. I can't spend my life wondering what if...

BumDNC Tue 29-Nov-16 19:59:48

I would worry that she would never be happy. She seems to regret all her life choices which is worrying. I'm not sure you would ever feel very secure. I think it all sounds very romantic and amazing but reality for her makes her panic and want to run away. She hasn't changed because she is still doing it, now to her husband

user1480394138 Tue 29-Nov-16 20:46:13

I've been trying to write a letter to her. This is my first draft. Is it ok? I'm worried that I'm not thinking clearly.

Thank you for our conversation last week. It's helped set me free from the years of rejection that I've felt. But it also reopened a old wound.

I've been silently mourning the family I never had for the past 5 years. You can't dangle the thing that I want the most in front of me like that. The thought of what life would have been like or could be like is too much for me if your not going to follow through.

I've tried to suppress the longing for 'our' family. It's never gone away and I've never been able to imagine my life with anyone else.

I thought I was ok. I was ok with being single until I am ready. After what you told me I am realizing how much I've held onto our relationship. Every girl I've dated I've compared to you. Wishing and longing for the chemistry we once shared.

But I need closure. Either way I need to be able to look to the future.

I don't expect you to come back to me. But for the sake of my own sanity I have to give you that option. Either we try or we don't. You know what I want but I absolutely understand if you say no.

If we don't I will have to establish a new set of boundaries. I can't keep getting texts about M every night. I love it too much. That's the high point of my day but it's anchoring me to the past.

I have regrets too. I regret being a fool. I regret falling for you. I so wanted you to stay. I regret that we didn't have this conversation years ago.

I think we've both been living in the past for far too long.

I don't know if I ever told you this. But M's middle name Grace. I chose that because that's my promise to you. I will always forgive you. I will always have grace.

Hissy Tue 29-Nov-16 20:56:49

Good letter

Now burn it.

She bleated on about how unhappy she was in her marriage (typical cheat script anyone?) yet went on to have a dc with her h... even tho she'd had a difficult time with your dd?

I too shout BOLLOCKS. She doesn't need to text you every day under the cover of updates, she's keeping you on the hook.

Make all contact regarding collection/drop off of your dd and leave it at that.

She wasn't The One, she was A Right One who did A Number on you.

4 months in is when emotions are at their height, she threw your relationship onto the rocks and has strung you along for years.

You have wasted all this time on someone who is a liar. I'm sorry but she is.

Get distance. You've lost enough! Now go and find who you are, what makes you loveable and then find someone who loves you properly

You deserve all that and more.

Hissy Tue 29-Nov-16 21:01:35

Fwiw I got burned 2 years ago. Fell head over heels and he dumped me

3 times blush sad

After a very long, painful and determined slog, I think I have found the guy in supposed to be with. It's early days, so trying to keep a lid on things, but I'm there.

Had my ex texted me nightly I'd have still been on the hook. For sure.

This woman has treated you appallingly and has on a string, using your dd as the worm on the hook to catch you.

Enough.

Her poor husband deserves better too.

hmmmum Tue 29-Nov-16 21:04:20

She sounds kind of toxic. She loves getting the attention from you ... like she needs it as an ego boost to know you're there pining for her.
And the real give away is that when she dumped you she said she'd have said yes to marriage the day before? Eh??? No, if you want to marry someone, you want it for more than just one day in a row.
She wants drama, she wants infatuation and admiration, she wants to be sought after and pursued and romanced, but does she actually want to be in a committed relationship with you?
I would be very, very careful if I were you. Set some boundaries and find a way to move on.

Rubyslippers7780 Tue 29-Nov-16 21:40:59

Totally agree with His system.
By giving her this letter you are feeding her the attention she has been drawing from you for years.
You are a person - you do not deserve to be drained like this by someone who has no intention of being with you

user1480394138 Wed 30-Nov-16 02:49:46

You guys are right. I won't send the letter. I need to cut her off.

I have more peace with cutting her off than with trying to rekindle some irreparably damaged pseudo relationship

And I'm starting to understand about being on the hook. I'm her backup and she's been stringing me along. And before me her current hubby was her backup and she's unhappy because she settled.

If she came back to me she would be settling again. I don't want to be part of that cycle.

I'm starting to feel really bad for her hubby. He deserves better too but I don't know how he couldn't see that she was settling. I guess maybe he was also blinded by her life sucking evil powers.

I hope for my daughters sake that cutting off my ex will help her and her husband to work things out. From what I've seen he is a good guy.

Hard to give up on the dream of seeing my daughter every day sad Seeing how my daughter smiles when we are both there at her preschool parent days and stuff. That's so priceless. But my daughter deserves a dad who is happy and who is in a healthy loving relationship. Who can be a good example in that way too.

I'm still in the endless thought loop. I'm also starting to see how I've also led her on. By not moving on I've subconsciously left the door open. Plus I'm way to kind to her. We get along so well and always have managed to come to a compromise. I'm not going to start being mean. But I should have someone else there when we do speak about parenting stuff that would help keep the conversation from wandering.

I feel free and empowered. Like these are the first steps in moving on with my personal life. After all these wasted years I can finally see closure on the horizon.

You guys are better than my therapist.
thank you so much smile

Cricrichan Wed 30-Nov-16 03:11:01

Well done op and I completely agree with everybody's take on this. Realise that she's not a nice person. When I broke up with someone I cared about but was no longer in love with, I deliberately minimised communication and distanced myself until a few years later when he was happily settled with someone else. I knew he still had feelings for me and though I dearly loved him as a friend, I wanted there to be no doubt and no hope so that he could move on.

My best friend got strung along for years just like you did and it was awful to watch.

Move on and find a lovely lady.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 30-Nov-16 05:42:14

You guys are better than my therapist

Perhaps we should retitle this board "Hello caller, we're listening" grin

I started reading your proposed letter and did double takes at "I've never been able to imagine my life with anyone else" and "Every girl I've dated I've compared to you" shock as telling your particular ex any such thing would only lead her to believe that she can pick up where she left off with you any time.

In rightly consigning the ill-judged missive and the emotions that accompanied it to the bin , you've begun to take back the power you surrendered to her and it's unsurprising that you now feel "free and enpowered".

You may see "closure" on the horizon but you'll never achieve it if you fail to become proactive about detaching from your ex. With that in mind, I suggest you break the "endless thought loop" by allowing yourself 10 minutes in any 24 hour period to think about the past and reject all thoughts about her until the next 10 minutes rolls round.

To ensure you don't stray over the allotted period, set an alarm and decrease the time allowed by 1 minute every week until you only have sufficient time to think of her in terms of what you need to say at drop off/pick up times.

Be ruthless with your thoughts because if you don't start to control them you'll always been in thrall to this manipulative woman.

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